Beta Hell

I usually don’t post twice in one day, but I need the support today!  This is not the update I hoped I’d be writing.

For those of you who don’t want to read the long post, here’s the summary.  I got two positive betas, but on Wednesday my 3rd beta stayed the same.  No increase, and it stayed low at 21.  I’ll most likely miscarry.

Here’s the full story:  Last Friday, we had our first beta.  My RE holds the results until the 2nd beta.  So on Sunday, we went for the second draw and before he even took the blood, he told me the first beta was positive.  It was low (HCG of 8), but he said I was “definitely pregnant.”  I burst into tears and the RE had a hard time drawing my blood because I was so emotional.

About an hour later, they called us back and told us that their blood machine (I don’t know what it’s really called) had stopped working right after we left, so they couldn’t process the blood.  We ended up going to the local hospital and having the draw repeated there.  Two hours later they called us back with the good news that the beta had increased to 21.

We were ecstatic.  My husband picked me up and twirled me around in the RE’s parking lot.  We called our parents, our siblings, and I called my best friend.  My husband called a bunch of his friends. He ran up and down the street fist pumping the air.   I took Monday off of work to let it sink in.   I downloaded baby apps for my phone.  I let myself walk through the baby section at Target.  I pinned stuff to a Pinterest pregnancy board.  I even took a home pregnancy test just so I could see that elusive second line!

On Tuesday morning, I started to feel a bit nauseated.  I was thrilled because I thought it was the beginning of morning sickness. Our appointment for the third beta was at 12:15, and we felt very confident going in.  I went back to work to wait for the results and made the HUGE mistake of Googling beta numbers.

This is when I realized my results were very low compared to others.  I began to get a very bad feeling and was almost sick to my stomach waiting for the phone call.  A teacher stopped by my desk to talk to me, and of course, my cell phone rang.  I excused myself and ran outside to take the call.  I could tell by the nurse’s voice that it was bad news.

My beta numbers had not increased.  They were exactly the same.  She said this usually indicates that my numbers will start to go down and that a miscarriage is imminent.

I went back to my desk where the teacher was still waiting for me.  I have no idea what she said to me.  When she finally left I called my husband and went home.

My husband had already been home and when I got there, the floor fan we had in our living room was in pieces.  Apparently he kicked it over and broke it in anger.  We were both devastated.

The worst part was calling our parents.  My mom cried.  My dad cried.  That was horrible.  I’ve only seen my dad cry one other time.

I have to go back for a 4th beta on Thursday.  I know God can perform miracles, but I don’t know if I have the energy to pray for one, so I’m asking you all to do it for me.

I had pre-scheduled all of my blog posts this week, and when I realized that today was the Compost post, I was keenly aware of the irony.  I do believe this has a purpose, but I have no idea what that could be right now.  This is a new low for us.

  • Oh friend, I intimately know what this feels like. I mean I’ve never had a positive, increasing second beta, but I’ve had abysmally low first betas and seen the writing on the wall. I’ve known what it feels like to continue meds when you’re 99% sure it’s over. And I know what it feels like to want a miracle, but not have the energy or the heart to pray. I assure you that in your weakness, He is strong, and the Holy Spirit is groaning on your behalf. I’m SO incredibly sorry that this is happening. “A new low” pretty much sums up these feelings. I’m praying for good news, but I’m certainly here for you if things go badly. Sending hugs!

    • Lisa

      Thank you, Amanda. I know you’ve been there, too, and that the Holy Spirit is groaning on behalf for both of us. Hugs.

  • I’m sorry. This whole part of TTC sucks. I just hope there was an issue with your blood work, and not a miscarriage. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

    • Lisa

      Thank you!

  • No no no!!!! I am so sorry this is so incredibly hard I am praying for you you’re in my thoughts.

    • Lisa

      Thanks, Karissa!

  • I’m so sorry you are going through this. I had the same beta problems with my last pregnancy. Low starting level & very slow rise. Then it stopped & went down. It’s the worst feeling & I really wish you weren’t going through this. You have my email if you want to chat. Hugs. xx

    • Lisa

      Ugh, so sorry you had to deal with this, too. I appreciate the offer to chat.

  • Jenn

    Oh no, I am so sorry 🙁 This is devastating.

    • Lisa

      Thanks, Jenn.

  • Jenny

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. I just went through the exact same thing last month. You are in my thoughts.

    • Lisa

      So sorry you had to go through this, too, Jenny. Hugs.

  • I am so sorry 🙁 Praying for you and your husband during this time. I know how hard it is.

    Ashley
    Man and Wife and Two Fur Babies/a>

    • Lisa

      Thanks for the prayers, Ashley.

  • Amy

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I was so hoping and praying for you. You and your family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

    • Lisa

      Thanks, Amy. I appreciate the prayers!

  • Praying for you!!

    • Lisa

      Thanks, Crystal!

  • Oh no- praying for you.

    • Lisa

      Thank you, Adrie!

  • Oh, dear Lisa! I just now had a chance to read this! Bless your dear heart! I am SO very sorry. Wish I could just reach out and give you a big hug, but I know Jesus is very near to you during this, and His arms are wrapped around you. You can be sure I will be praying extra hard between now and tomorrow. YES, God surely can do miracles and turn this thing around. I have no doubt. May He carry you extra close to His heart and allow this to turn out the way you want it to. Love you, dear friend!

    • Lisa

      Thank you, Cheryl! I know you’re praying and I so appreciate it!

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  • Heather Teske

    I miscarried myself just a few days after I learned I was pregnant. One of the hardest parts was having to continue to go in for progesterone level checks knowing that the numbers were going down 🙁 You’re such an amazing and strong woman for going through so much!

    • I’m so sorry to hear of your miscarriage, Heather. You’re right. Going in for the blood checks knowing the numbers were going down was so hard. Best wishes to you!