The past 10 days have been a mixture of anxiety and joy, fear and hope. I wasn’t quite sure when or how I should write this post.
On Wednesday, March 25th I had my first beta. It came back at 67, but I didn’t find that out until I went in for my second beta on Friday. That one came back at 207. On Sunday, it had increased to the upper 500s. Our fourth and final beta last Tuesday came back at 1183.
So, I’m pregnant! I’ve felt everything from elation to utter fear and anxiety- especially during the 48 hours between the betas. Honestly, the elation has only lasted for about 5 minutes after the getting the good news for each beta. Then my mind immediately starts worrying about the next step. I’ve been having some light spotting (which I know can be normal), but it’s been contributing to anxiety.
My husband, who is generally a much more optimistic and hopeful person than me, is encouraging me to let my joy be complete and not guarded. He knows that we’re not out of the woods yet, but he’s been able to fully celebrate each step and not get too worried about what’s next. I haven’t been able to really do that yet. People who do know about our news want to tell me their pregnancy stories and talk about names, due dates, or nursery plans. But I don’t want to do that yet. I feel like I know too much. Like infertility has robbed me of being able to enjoy the fact that I’m pregnant.
We have an ultrasound scheduled for April 14th, and I’m hoping that I’ll be able to celebrate a little more if we see a heartbeat.
My blog tagline says “Inspiration and Encouragement During Infertility,” and I intend to keep this a blog about infertility. This will not become a pregnancy blog. Here’s my plan:
- I will keep posting my regular schedule of interviews, essays, and encouraging posts.
- I will give very brief updates on my progress, but I’ll always put a warning before doing so.
- I will not post bump pictures, ultrasound pics, etc. Once I get to the point where I’m feeling a little more confident about the pregnancy, I may post updates and pics on my personal blog. I may periodically mention that I have an update on my personal blog, and give a link for those of you who want to read it. For those of you who don’t want to read about it, I completely understand and will not be offended. The main point I want to make is that I don’t want you to worry about coming to my blog and being surprised by pics or posts that may cause you pain.
If you know me offline or are friends with me on my personal Facebook, please do not mention the pregnancy there yet. I know that by posting it here on this blog, I’m technically “going public.” However, I’m not quite ready to go fully public by putting it on my personal Facebook for all my acquaintances and colleagues to see. Also, I do have several people I’m connected with on my personal Facebook profile who are going through infertility themselves, and I don’t want their feeds bombarded with my congratulatory posts.
I’m so thankful for all the support and encouragement I’ve received over the past week or so. I haven’t known how to respond as I was waiting to see if the betas continued to grow. Please continue to send us prayers and good thoughts!