I was scared it wouldn’t work and that I’d end up childless and broke.
Now we have our miracle daughter, and the fear is gone. Yes, we deeply want another child, but I know how lucky we are to have even one, and we will be more than content even if we only have her.
So now I’m not scared. I’m not sad. I’m just angry.
SO. FLIPPIN. ANGRY. about doing IVF again. Yes, frozen cycles are way easier than fresh cycles. But I’m angry that now I have to decide between a medicated transfer cycle and a natural transfer cycle.
We love our current RE. His office is 10 minutes from where we live, and we received excellent care from him. But he only does medicated cycles; he won’t do a natural cycle.
And guys, the thought of more Lupron, more Estrace, more heparin, and more prednisone literally makes my heart pound with anxiety. I’ve contacted Stanford Fertility to see about scheduling a consultation with them for a natural FET cycle.
It really ticks me off that I have to do this. I thought I’d come to terms with having to use reproductive technology to get pregnant, but apparently I haven’t. For about two days last month, I thought I might have been pregnant naturally, and I was so angry when I wasn’t.
So, my prayer in these upcoming months as we make our decision about a medicated FET vs. natural FET is that I would not fall into a pattern of anger and bitterness.
Like the quote says, “Bitterness is believing God got it wrong.” And I do not believe for an instant that God got my fertility journey wrong.
Oh, it definitely wasn’t the way I would have planned it. But I can honestly say I wouldn’t change anything. It led to my daughter and to so many other beautiful, rich things in my marriage, my faith, and even this blog!
If you’re looking for more encouragement during infertility, be sure to check out my book, 31 Days of Prayer During Infertility.
Photos courtesy of UnSplash