This is something that my husband and I have been wrestling with lately.
We both say that we want a child more than we want anything else in this earthly life. He says that he doesn’t want a child just because of his own desires, but he wants a child because he knows how bad I want it too.
As Christians, we seek to desire Christ more than anything else. Putting anyone or anything ahead of him is idolatry. But we also recognize that God has given the human race a deep, innate desire to be parents. We don’t believe that the desire for children is unhealthy in itself.
But at what point do all the treatments, tears, money, and anguish turn into something unhealthy?
I don’t know about you, but I think about having a child all day. When I wake up in the morning, I’m immediately aware of what cycle day it is. And I often wake up with a sense of loss and that something (someone- my child) is missing from my life.
I think about it at work. I think about it in church. I think about it all the time.
Part of me thinks this is natural given the circumstances I find myself in. Not thinking about it would be a form of denial.
But sometimes I feel like it’s taking over my life, my thoughts, and my emotions, and I wonder if I’m slipping into the area of idolatry.
Obviously, my concerns are influenced by my faith. But even if I wasn’t religious, I think I’d be worried as to whether or not it was becoming unhealthy.
Today’s beta confirmed BFN #20. I realize some of you may have way more than 20, and I just can’t imagine.
This cycle was a canceled IUI cycle, so I knew that just trying it on our own meant our odds were low. I didn’t respond well enough to Clomid for us to feel like the IUI would have provided an advantage. I did get a trigger shot and took Estrace and progesterone.
Yesterday, I took a HPT and wasn’t surprised when it showed a negative. Not surprised, but still frustrated and sad.
One of the most frustrating parts is that I’ve taken a HPT the day before my beta during each treatment cycle. So each time I go in for my beta, I already know I’m not pregnant.
I know, I know, there’s a chance the HPT might not show an early pregnancy. But my doctor requires it because of the possibility that the HPT wasn’t sensitive enough. Plus, I would never forgive myself if I stopped my meds based on a negative HPT only to find out later on that a beta would’ve been positive. But it costs me $130 each time I have my blood drawn, so each beta is just salt in the wound.
Fortunately, I’m on vacation from work this week, so I have the time and space to process things this cycle.