It’s a weird thing to think about trying for a second baby when you’ve already had one as a result of doing IVF. On one hand, I’m no longer an IVF newbie. I know what to expect from it. I know what it takes. And I know that when it works it’s absolutely worth every penny, every tear, and every injection.
I also know that when it fails, it feels like your whole world is over.
Except this time around, as we are gearing up to try for baby #2, I no longer feel that pressure or the sense that I may never recover if it fails.
I am well aware that I’m one of lucky ones. We have multiple frozen embryos. The odds are in our favor. And I have a beautiful, healthy daughter, so even if I don’t get pregnant, I am beyond blessed. I would be sad, yes, but still immensely grateful that we were able to have a child at all.
Also, I feel like I’m just now getting back to being myself after having our daughter. I struggled with some mild postpartum depression, and our family has been through some major changes and transitions since she was born. My husband changed jobs twice (both were promotions, so it was a good change, but it still was stressful), we sold our house and are currently living with our in-laws until our new house is completed in October, I’ve struggled with balancing self-care and childcare, and we had to euthanize our beloved cat, Hemingway. Oh yeah, and we also endured an extremely stressful cross-country trip that involved everyone getting a stomach virus, missed flights, traffic tickets, torn ligaments, bladder infections, and puking on the airplane. (We keep telling ourselves it will make a hilarious family story in ten years).
So the thought of doing another IVF anytime soon just makes me want to say “No thanks!” But I’m 36 and I really don’t want to be 50 years old with children in elementary school, so we need to get moving. Honestly, if we didn’t have the frozen embryos, we probably wouldn’t be doing this again. I don’t want to take the drugs again. I don’t want to do the monitoring again.
On yeah, and I’m terrified to do it all again while caring for a toddler full-time.
But we are / I am doing it nonetheless.
All this to say that I’m feeling really neutral about it this time around. Almost ambivalent.
Again, I’m well aware that ambivalent is a very fortunate place to be. I remember the not-so-ambivalent feelings I had while trying to conceive my daughter. I know that so many of you reading this probably want to kick me right now. You’d give anything to do IVF without feeling pressure or without feeling like your world will fall apart if it fails. Oh, how I remember, dear friend.
I guess I’m just trying to say that I’m tired of infertility. I’m tired of it for all of us. For those of us trying to conceive baby #1, and for those of trying to conceive subsequent babies.
Thanks for reading this far! I that the Lord would comfort and sustain you wherever you are in your journey.
P.S. Some of you may remember a recent post where I talked about possibly doing a natural FET at Stanford. Despite my numerous attempts to contact them, they never returned my calls. Other clinics in the area offer natural cycles, but none that would do long-distance monitoring or would let me become a patient without re-doing certain tests. So, we are staying with our previous RE (whom we adore, but he doesn’t do natural cycles). His office is less than 15 minutes away and we feel we can be successful there again.
If you’re looking for more encouragement during infertility, be sure to check out my book, 31 Days of Prayer During Infertility.