A Post I Never Thought I’d Write

I’ve written over 500 posts on this blog, but this one is definitely the one I’ve put the most thought into and it has been the most difficult to press “publish.”

As you may remember, we have been planning to do a frozen embryo transfer this coming January.  We had the appointment on our calendar and were making plans around it.

However, a few days after I wrote my last post about crying in church when the children were blessed, (and the night before we moved to a new house), I discovered that I was pregnant naturally- without any treatment.

Needless to say, we were shocked.  I almost passed out when I took the home test.  The only reason I even took one was so I could stop thinking that maybe I was pregnant.  Because after all, I’d never seen a positive home test so why would this one be any different if we weren’t even trying?  My husband didn’t believe it and made me take four different tests.

I will save you the details, but two betas later that week confirmed the pregnancy and I am now currently almost 10 weeks.

Honestly, one of the first thoughts that came to mind was, “How will I tell those who are still waiting?”  Because it doesn’t seem fair.  So many times I was on the other side the screen reading words like I’m writing.  Just wondering when it would be my turn.  Rolling my eyes at people who “weren’t even trying.”  And yet here I am.

We are overjoyed and thrilled, of course.  Yet there is also an awkwardness.  A feeling of survivor’s guilt, almost.  I have talked to some other women who have found themselves in similar situations and they experienced similar feelings.  (I’m not asking for sympathy, of course, but just trying to be honest about the mix of emotions that pregnancy after infertility brings).

I set private messages to many of you over the past few days, giving you a heads-up so this blog post wasn’t a complete surprise.  If you feel like you should’ve received one of those private messages from me but didn’t, please accept my apologies.  You weren’t left out intentionally.

As it was with my IVF pregnancy, this won’t change anything about my blog.  This will not become a mom blog.  I will not post bump pictures or ultrasound pictures.  I may post brief updates occasionally, but I’ll always give a warning at the beginning of the post.  This will remain a space whose main purpose is to encourage women who are waiting.

Much love and hugs to those of you who are still waiting.  I understand if you need to move on from this blog, but I pray those of who stay will continue to find hope and encouragement.

Quick Personal Update

Please Note:  This post discusses my pregnancy.  If you are not in the space to read this today, please skip this post.  I completely understand and will not be offended if you choose not to read it.

I’ve already posted on my Facebook and Twitter, but I realize some of you only read the blog and don’t participate in social media.  Tom and I wanted to announce the birth of our daughter.  She was born last Thursday, December 10 at 4:21am, weighing 9 pounds, 13.5 ounces and measuring 21.5″.  I gave birth to her via c-section after laboring for 12 hours and pushing for about 4.  She was just too big to come out on her own!

We’ve made the decision not to publish her full name or to post pics publicly online- not even on our personal Facebook profiles.  So we’ll just refer to her as “CJ.”.  We’re doing this because we don’t want to create a digital footprint for our daughter at such a young age.  We hope you understand!

Thanks for all your support the last few months.  As I’ve said before, this blog will not become a “mommy blog.”  It will continue to be a place of encouragement for those of you still hoping for your BFP.   My husband and I pray for all of you often, many of you by name, and we look forward to one day celebrating your BFPs, too.

Pregnancy After Infertility {Ask Me Anything}

This post is part of the Ask Me Anything” series. I answer reader-submitted questions about our experience with infertility and IVF.

A reader asks, “How does it feel to be pregnant after such a long journey? What sorts of thoughts and emotions are you experiencing these days?”

I haven’t talked much about my pregnancy on this blog out of respect for those of you still struggling for a BFP. But I received this question and, after giving careful thought, decided to answer it here in hopes that it will benefit someone who recently got a BFP or will receive one soon.  (If you would like to read regular updates on my pregnancy, I post them each week on my other blog).

I wish I could say that pregnancy after infertility feels great and that it’s everything I dreamed it would be. The truth is that while it does feel great, the happy emotions have been mixed with fear and anxiety.  This quote by Thomas Hardy sums is up beautifully: “The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.”

After dealing with three years of disappointment, loss, heartache, struggle, and frustration, it’s very hard to let all of that go. My therapist says when we go through something traumatic like infertility, our brains can get hardwired to automatically see the next potential problem in order to “protect” ourselves from potential hurt. I think this has definitely been the case for me.  Continue reading “Pregnancy After Infertility {Ask Me Anything}”