Q. How long have you been actively TTC?
This is always a tough question for me to answer. I can’t remember when we made the conscious decision start not caring if we got pregnant. It was within a few months of getting married. But I remember lying to people and saying we weren’t sure we ready. I think I was trying to outwardly downplay my ever growing desire for a family with Jesse, but still knowing motherhood was one of my biggest callings in life. I wouldn’t say I was embarrassed, but rather afraid of my friends thinking they’d lose Fun Lauren to motherhood. I’d say by roughly December 2011 we were all in. I had a weird autoimmune scare early in 2012. My mom has Lupus and I tested ANA+, and went through a rigorous run of blood tests and exams. I ended up not being diagnosed with Lupus. Thankfully. However, it instilled a fear in me. Like something else was wrong. I couldn’t shake it. I went in for my annual exam in June 2012, and expressed my anxieties over TTC. For some reason, she listened to me, and sent orders for a full work up for both Jesse and I, instead of insisting we wait the full year. I remember leaving and thinking we were jumping the gun. And I was almost convinced Jesse would be annoyed with me. Totally not the case. He was supportive and willing to do whatever needed to be done to put me at ease. So we went and got tested.
Q. What sort of infertility challenges are you facing?
After reading the above information you’d assume the problems were me. Me too. Even though my cycles were normal and never off too much, I was still convinced something would be found. Like CANCER!! Oh yeah, have I mentioned I am nervous nut?? I went through the HSG. Tubes clear. Progesterone check. All good. And then Jesse went in for his work up. Low sperm count. Low everything. Except his motility. Wait, what? He went in for another analysis. Same results. We were all, “Excuse me, what?” We were both so shocked when my GYN called and suggested we see an RE and urologist. It was surreal. She said our problems were all male factor related, and we needed to get to the bottom of that in order to find success in TTC. I distinctively remember her words to me at my initial appointment, when I expressed my fears of having a baby. She said, “I don’t want you to worry. We’ll just do a little work up. I’m sure everything will come back fine.” Famous last words.
Q. What’s been the lowest point in your journey? How did you handle it?
Lowest point. Ugh. There seems to have been several of them. I’d say one that has stuck out was me angrily calling Jesse at work after I dug in the garbage and found my empty bag of eaten caramels. Yep. I had set the bag of caramels on the counter earlier in the week, and finally decided to eat them. When I went to look for them, they had vanished. And I flipped my ever lovin’ sh!t. I proceeded to cuss out my unassuming husband (while he was at work) for eating them (how dare he!!), and cry uncontrollably into the phone. Over caramels. Yeah. That was a low point for me. Did I mention I dug through the garbage? I dug. Through. The garbage. But looking back, we can’t help but laugh. Those super ovulatory drugs do a number on me. I also went into sobbing hysterics another time when Jesse took a corner too sharp, causing my potato o’lays to fall out of their to-go box, and all over my lap and the floor of the car. Please note that most of my drug induced meltdowns are food related. Jesse maintains it’s only slightly worse than how I would normally act over food. I call BS on that.
Q. How has infertility affected you as a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual being?