On the Journey With... Violet

This week’s installment of On the Journey With… features Violet, aka @ShyLittleViolet on Twitter. Violet’s interview is a combination of an email she wrote me and then I wrote her back with some questions to answer. Here’s her story…

I’m 34, DH is 45 for another month, and we have been TTC since we got married in July 2010. When DH proposed (June 2010), I asked if he REALLY wanted to have kids and do all that messy, crazy stuff and he was totally into it. I’d already been only on Natural Family Planning, so was no stranger to charting/fertile times etc. We got married & blithely assumed we’d be parents by the next year or so. I got pregnant that October 2010 and lost it almost immediately, and that’s been as close as I’ve gotten since. At the time, my rational brain kept asking myself “Why are you SO upset? You can have a baby, you’re only 30, this is a common experience, there was probably something wrong with it”. I didn’t get why I felt like the sadness was due to that being the only baby I’d ever have been able to carry. Now I do!!

After years of careful monitoring/timing, natural remedies, healthful eating, supplements, Accupuncture/Chinese medicine, “trying not to try”, “just having fun”, cough syrup, Clomid, peeing on this & that stick, joining baby/ttc/having a hard time ttc/infertility boards online…I am getting pretty jaded. DH has repeatedly said he’s going to get checked, but that’s as far as it’s gone. I have always had a distaste (not for the individuals, but the entire notion/practicality of ) for elderly parents, and while our median age isn’t old, I am uncomfortable with the notion of DH being in his late 50’s with small children to care for, etc. This, plus the fact that DH is somewhat opposed to adopting, means that I’m essentially declaring a timeframe; This next year or so, it happens, or I’m DONE.

Part of that is the sheer pragmatist in me (over 35 health risks etc) and it’s partially to allow myself a mental “finish line” to all the agonizing craziness. I miss our sex life *terribly*, and I don’t know if we’ll ever get it back. Although I have NEVER said anything too overt, like “hurry up and let’s do it, I’m ovulating!!” even after TTC for this long, there’s an unspoken “taking one for the team” feeling that is radically different than the people who had a good 5+ years of trying NOT to touch each other and failing, over and over (long story there…). The tension and resentment in our house is…not nice, and I honestly think it’s really badly affecting us both.

I feel like a failure, since this is both our second marriage & we really got married because we wanted to have a stable family to raise them in. At the same time, we are both highly creative/artistic people with lots of interests. DH has made most of his work at home for the purpose of “being at home with my family like my dad wasn’t”, and I work p/t from home and gave up my wedding planning career in one of the top 3 locations in the USA…to get married and have babies and make paleo casseroles off Pinterest or whatever moms do! The irony of all that isn’t lost on me. I’m trying to sift through the wreckage & give other women hope, so I will say this; EVERY wedding I do and a shocking amount of coworkers are brushed by my “fairy dust” (seriously I warn new co-workers to double up their bc around me)…So if you’ve tried the rest, I am the Good Luck Chuck of uteri 😉

Q. What advice would you give to other women who are struggling to conceive?

The infertility ‘journey’ is so different for EVERYONE. I have traveled to jungles, forests, deserts, mega-cities where one feels lost and small and as though you’re starring in a feature all at the same time. Likewise, it is truly impossible for me to give any blanket, one-size-fits all outlook on this reproductive jungle we call trying to create a family. I have my beach-town/adventurer/Southern California worldview, and it slants my outlook, admittedly. I tend to be a realist, on the positive side. For me, yes, a positive attitude is key. Yes, you will feel bad sometimes, you NEED to own those feelings and move on. YES, I sobbed in my bathroom two days ago and HELL yeah, am I enjoying my fresh grapefruit greyhound at the moment, since I have my period. A positive attitude DOES NOT equal a baby, on own merits. This is not a Lifetime movie, this is real life. If you and your husband decide, together, to move on to aggressive (ZIFT, GIF, IVF, etc) treatment(s), that is your decision and I support you, wholeheartedly. If not, I also support you, wholeheartedly.

Q. Have you found a “silver lining” in your struggles?

Sleeping in/staying up late. I’m serious!! I spent 27 years as a serious insomniac; I appreciate my sleep these days!! Also, I think my boobs are still pretty decorative for their vintage. I’ve got spontaneous compliments and everything (which I save in my mental “Hope I Remember in a few years” chest), which I happily and honestly admit is SHALLOW AS A FREAKING PIZZA PAN. Guess what? I’m a girl, my husband is boy. I WANT to be attractive, specifically to my husband. If still having a great natural rack at 34 makes me shallow or fascile, I’m good with that. As long as he is still into me, and wants to be intimate with me, that’s great. Silver linings for my personal situation; every time someone posts a whiny FB rant about the pregnancy aches n’ pains. kids, spouse, etc…I get to “check out”. Now, that may not sound like much, but guess what? By REFUSING TO REACT, I empower myself.

Q. How do you take care of yourself emotionally, physically, and/or spiritually when you’re at a low point?

I care for myself emotionally/spiritually with a mixture of spiritual a) In the Bible, Hannah, Sarah, Elizabeth, Jesus’ aunt, were all called “barren”, or infertile. I have read and re-read those accounts, and therein are listed EVERY emotion we infertile/fertile-y challenged women go through; -anger, grief, sarcasm, depression, jealousy, suicidal/worthless ness thoughts, humour, callousness, surrogacy/adoption…the whole gamut. Those emotions, and the scripture in Proverbs 30 that says: “The leeches have two daughters that cry, “Give! Give!” / There are three things that do not get satisfied, Four that never say, “Enough!” / The Grave and a barren womb, a land that is deprived of water, and fire that never says, “Enough!”

So at least there’s a Scripture that PROVES that we infertiles, although we may move on in our lives, out of sheer necessity, there will be a part of our hearts that are always a little bit broken.

And b) with my own personal brand of sarcasm/irony/Twitter rants and a few trusted dear friends who I will owe, forever, for being my confidants, my hearing ears, my sisters, my drinking buddies, my loves.

And most importantly c) I AM fertile, mentally speaking. I AM a very good auntie. I ENJOY mentoring my neighbors’ kids. That is why they are pre-signed over to my husband and I. My art, my writing, my calligraphy, my floral designs and extensive planning for weddings, the many places I have traveled to and the many more I’m longing/planning to see. Those are all expressions of my very feccund mind….I don’t need babies and children to display that. I WANT them, on their own merits. My husband is an insanely talented sculptor, designer. He has built homes and designed his own furniture. We don’t *need* a family to validate our creativity, or our value. We just *want* one. It’s irrational, absurd, messy, imperfect, loving…just like any other family.

Personally, I am CLEAR on the facts;
-infertility does NOT define me
-infertility sucks donkey balls, but it is NOT the end of the road for some. For others, it is
-just the start of our new lives.
-the way they find a Cause (adoption, fostering etc)
For me, infertility is a chapter in a book not written. It is NOT “The End”.

Many thanks for Violet for sharing her story. If you’re on Twitter, send her a tweet to let her know how much you appreciate her sharing her story.

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