Each week I interview someone who has experienced infertility firsthand. This week I’m interviewing Katie from A Hundred Affections. I really enjoy her thoughtful blog, and I love what she says below about letting hope find her. Enjoy her interview!
Q. Tell us a little about yourself.
Q. How long have you been TTC and what struggles are you facing?
Right now, my doctor is trying to diagnose why I miscarried. After numerous tests, all they have discovered is that I am borderline/positive for an autoimmune blood-thickening issue. As a result, he put me on baby aspirin. At the moment, he has instructed us to try on our own or a month or two, and if no pregnancy, then likely, we’ll try Clomid and an IUI next.
The lowest point for me was probably after my second miscarriage. We had gotten bad news early on with our first pregnancy, and I really thought the second one would be different. We got bad news with the second one as well, and with both pregnancies, we prayed for God to do a miracle for us. It was very hard for me to accept that God could have intervened but did not. Not only was I grieving from the miscarriage, but I felt very far from God, too – and that only compounded my isolated feelings. It really rattled my faith in God. I didn’t know if I could be close to God, and I was scared that maybe He didn’t want to be close to me. I felt His comfort so strongly with my first miscarriage, but I didn’t feel that way with my second; it was just the opposite.
Also, my second miscarriage didn’t pass naturally. I had an awful experience with misoprostol. It still didn’t force the miscarriage, so I had to have a D&C. The miscarriage process dragged on for about a month, so I felt like I couldn’t move on, heal and grieve while the miscarriage was resolving itself. In essence, I felt physically, emotionally and spiritually stuck.
There wasn’t any trick to getting through it. I wasn’t feeling close to God, but I kept showing up. I kept praying, reading my Bible and doing what I knew to do, even though I wasn’t feeling better or feeling God at all. I just sort of went through the motions, hoping it would pay off. Eventually, as my heart started to heal and as I was just honest with God about my hurt and pain, I started to sense His presence again. And that is really how I’ve gotten through: God. Every day, it gets better and a little easier.
Q. In a recent blog post, you talked about how HOPE is going to be your word for 2014. How do you plan on nurturing your hope in the coming year?
It’s funny, because God really gave me that word “Hope.” I wasn’t looking for a word, and I didn’t pick “Hope.” But over and over again, I couldn’t deny that He was bringing that word to me. It was EVERYWHERE. So, my take on it is that I am not necessarily pro-actively seeking out hope but just keeping my eyes and heart open as to how God will bring that word to life to me. So, I sort of feel like that since this was His idea, I am letting Him reveal what Hope really means and specifically, what He wants it to mean to me. I’m excited though, to see how God will use this in my life in the coming year. Already, God has been speaking this word to me in so many ways, in so many places – and already, I’ve had some discouraging moments where I’ve been tested in either falling into hopelessness or choosing hope. This word keeps nudging me to the right response.
Q. What advice would you give to women who are currently journey through infertility?
I’m not sure if I’m qualified to give advice, but one thing I have learned through this is to relax. And trust. It is so hard, so counter-intuitive to everything we feel inside. But, I have come to realize that we really have so little control in this situation. We can do all the right things, but we can’t MAKE ourselves ovulate, we can’t MAKE the sperm find the egg, we can’t MAKE the fertilized egg implant in our wombs, we can’t MAKE it grow and develop properly. We can only do so much. Truly, only God is the author of life and every life really IS a miracle. And at the end of the day, it really is out of our hands.
So, this is a lesson I am slowly learning: to let go and trust God. He has a plan for our lives, for our futures, for our families. We just need to let go, embrace His plans and trust Him. It’s not easy, because we really don’t know what that might look like. So, my advice would be to have faith, have hope, do whatever you can to do your part, but ultimately – to trust. And enjoy life while you wait. We rob ourselves – and those around us – if we let our infertility struggles define us and dictate our lives. As huge as this is, chances are that there are still a lot of other things in our lives that are good and going right – and we should fully embrace those as well.
It was so nice getting to know you Katie! Praying for 2014 for you!
Yay! I love Katie! I don’t think I realized Katie, that you had the blood-thickening issue. To encourage you I had two friends who both had 3 m/c’s before realizing they had the same thing. Once they found out, they were put on shots, and ta-da, one has a one year old and one is 32 weeks pregnant! It was a quick fix and hoping that it’s the same thing for you! I tell you this to encourage you (I hope you see this). Thanks for sharing your story!
Thank you, Kasey, and Caroline, for reading and sharing in my story! Caroline – thanks for the encouragement! I’ve heard stories like that with that issue! Praying that is the same for me!!! All in God’s timing! 🙂
Thanks, Lisa, for the opportunity to share!
What a brave post! All the best to you on your journey!! Wishing you HOPE!
This is such a fabulous blog as somewhere for women to share their stories and encourage each other. I’m sure it blesses so many women. This is my first time visiting your blog – I’ve on over from the SITS Girls Comment Love event. 🙂
Thanks for the kind words, Mel.
Thanks for sharing your journey Katie! It was very brave of you.
Katie, sending out lots of good thoughts for you. Here’s to hope!
What a great forum for support and love. Wishing everyone here peace and love!
I love the comment about how she “kept showing up.” You do not have to be religious to take a message from that. We have to keep working at these things and not giving up. You have to stay grounded and keep doing what brings you closer to what you want. Hugs!
I recently discovered A Hundred Affections and loved it so this post was very interesting to me – meeting the blogger behind the blog. And now today via the SITS Comment Challenge that’s going on this week, I’ve discovered Amateur Nester and also love this blog. This was an excellent post! Thank you! 😀
So happy you found me, Marcia! I love A Hundred Affections blog!
Thanks so much for sharing Katie’s story. What a wonderful forum for support you have created here!
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal topic and creating a place for people to come together.
What a wonderful heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing. I don’t think people truly understand the effort that goes into infertility and this is a touching story.
I agree with Lisa. I have a close friend going through this right now and I feel so bad for her, and him.
Best wishes to all of you trying.
Glad to know you Katie! Always keep faith in God and stay safe always.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. It truly takes a brave person! I hope your strength helps other women.
Thank you for sharing your story Katie, I was on the pill for years and when I got married, I decided to stop taking it. After, I didn’t have my periods for a year. The Dr. didn’t know what was wrong and even after medication, nothing. He said I would never have kids. I took naturopatic and homeopathic remedies to help, it finally balanced my hormones and I started ovulating again. A year after, I gave birth to me daughter. I can imagine what you are feeling right now. Wishing you all the best and hoping a miracle will happen just like it did for me. You are in my prayers.I am from the SITS Girls Comment Love event. 🙂
I’ve had friends go through different treatments for infertility. I know how hard it can be. So thank you so much for sharing!
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m not actively trying to have a child right now but I hope in the future if/when I do that I can be as brave and strong as you!
I love that even though you didn’t feel like God was on your side, you still “showed up”. Thank you for sharing your story & I will keep you in my prayers!
What a wonderful place you’ve created for women to bond over something that often isn’t talked about. You are definitely giving women hope and encouragement!
Thanks, Madison.
It’s interesting how the word hope nudged you into choosing it.I can’t imagine how difficult this process has been and I won’t pretend to, but I care and I’ll pray.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure many other women can find HOPE through you.
Infertility can be a painful process and women need a very strong support system to over come it.
Such a beautiful story that I am sure will give many women HOPE…it’s refreshing to find a community that offers support during such an incredibly personal struggle.
It’s always really fun and interesting to get to know other bloggers! Thank you for being so open and honest! (stopping by from SITS!) xoxo
I think it’s really fabulous how open you are on your blog! I occasionally talk about my migraines and opening up about that can definitely be hard for me – especially because it’s not always pretty. I look forward to getting to know you better through your blog! {coming from The Love Nerds and SITS}
Thanks, Maggie! I just started following your blog, so I look forward to getting to know you, too!
Thanks for sharing such precious details.
SITS LOVE!
~Meegan
http://www.flatstoflipflops.com
It’s really great advice, but so hard! We have been trying to adopt for a year now and “letting go and trusting God” has been hard for me. I think it’s terrific that you’re sharing many different journeys on your blog!
Coming from SITS!
wow, inspiring post that hope is still such a big part of the future. best wishes for katie!
Stopping by from #SITSBlogging
Marie @
In Our Happy Place