On the Journey With…Salina

This week I’m interviewing Salina from Heart Reflected.  I was so touched by her story and I hope it will bless all of you, too.

 Q. Tell us a little about yourself.

Hi, my name is Salina, and I’m 42 years old. My husband and I will celebrate our fifteenth anniversary in July, and out of those fifteen years, a little over ten of them were spent TTC.

I was raised the oldest of nineteen grandchildren, so it seemed like I was always carrying around and playing with babies. It just seemed a natural part of my life that I would carry children of my own.

I didn’t meet my husband until after college, so I was 27 when we married. I knew right away I wanted children, but in my mind I had a cut off date; I wanted to have at least two by the time I turned 35. It seemed like a good age to me, so that goal was set.

Q. How long did you TTC and what fertility issues were you facing?

We began actively TTC when I was 29 years old and my husband 33. My younger sisters got pregnant right after I got married. Being the oldest, I thought I would be the first to have a baby, but since I married later, I was okay with that. They delivered their sons five days apart. It was exciting for me because after all, my family were baby-making machines. My mom was the oldest of ten, and now both of my sisters had children. That’s how it works, right?After a few years of trying to conceive, I began spending a lot of time online looking for tips. We tried pretty much everything. I was taking my temperature, charting, buying books, trying to eat better, etc. Thinking it was just going to be a matter of time, we continued to try on our own for four years. In 2005, I saw a fertility specialist and along with an assortment of tests for both of us, I underwent a laparoscopy exam.This is an excerpt from my blog about receiving the results of the laparoscopy.

“I was home alone when I received that fateful phone call from my doctor. As I stood there in the middle of my kitchen staring at a stack of dirty dishes, the news caused the final piece of my heart, the piece that was already so bruised and battered, to completely succumb to the dark pit that would hold it captive for so many years.”

To spare you the details, I had very damaged fallopian tubes. The fimbria on each side, in the doctor’s words, “looked as though they had melted together.” He said one side was completely closed and the other was almost 90% closed. The chances of me getting pregnant on my own were very slim to none.

Q. What was your lowest point and how did you handle it?

You know with infertility it’s really hard to pick a low point because there seem to be so many of them. For me, I am one of those people who constantly dream and remember their dreams in vivid detail and color. I was always dreaming of my child. I can still see his face in my mind and I can still feel his touch. That was really hard.The other problem was having to constantly endure comments from others. Things said such as, “I’m the most fertile person in the world, why if I stopped taking my birth control pills I would instantly get pregnant,” or “When are the two of you going to have a baby?” or the absolute worst “You have no idea how lucky you are to not have children.” I can tell you right now that the word lucky and infertility have never, nor will they ever be a good combination.Seeing pregnant ladies in the grocery store, newborn babies, being invited to baby showers and birthday parties, Mother’s Day, being in church on Mother’s Day when the pastor asks all the mothers to stand, were also painful times.

In all honesty, I didn’t handle it very well. I found myself retreating further and further from people. I became bitter. On the outside I looked happy, but on the inside I was rotting away. I felt like no one understood me. I felt like God had deserted me. I felt alone, and to be blunt, that’s exactly what I wanted, to be left alone.

Q. Which verses, songs, books, poems, etc. encouraged you during the tough times?

During all of this, I was trying to finish my Master’s Degree in Education. For my last semester, I took a class called “Death & Dying.” I took it for an easy A, but it ended up saving my life. It opened my eyes to how I had been living. I began reaching out to God and realized He had never left me…He had been there all along. I clung to (and still do) the following verses.'”For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” ‘ (Jeremiah 29:11 NLT)’So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.’ (1 Peter 1:6 NLT)

‘Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.’ (Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT)

Q. What advice would you give to other women who are currently struggling with infertility?

Of all the things infertility does to us, the biggest is that it causes us to feel alone and empty. I wish I had had someone say to me, “I see you, I may not understand exactly what you are going through, but I recognize that it’s hard, that it’s painful, and if you want to talk about it, I won’t say all those cliché comments about how it’s all in God’s timing, or maybe it’s just not meant to be.”My advice to you is to create a support system with people who are willing to listen to you. It doesn’t have to be someone else going through infertility, but it needs to be someone who will listen without condemnation. Also, cling to God with all your heart. He is there, and He understands your pain better than anyone else.

Q. Were you able to find a “silver lining” in your struggles?

I’ve learned what’s truly important in my life; the people who are in it. While I was stuck in the bitterness and anger of wanting a baby I spent too much time letting my life pass by. When I got to the point where I said enough is enough, I prayed for God to remove some of my pain and replace it with something else. Not long after that, I developed my love for writing. My three closest friends are also childless. My heart breaks for them as much as it does for myself, but at the same time we are a wonderful support system for each other. (We get a free pass to use all the sarcasm we want on every Facebook posts that says things like “Until you are a mother, you will never know true love.”) Isn’t that a ridiculous statement? LOL.  One of the fun things I’ve learned to take advantage of is to simply have fun. Instead of thinking about Disney World as a place just for kids, a best friend and I went a few years ago. We had a blast riding the rides, and having our picture taken with the characters. I have plans to go again this fall with another best friend.

Q. Anything else you’d like to share with my readers?

No matter how many years I have left on this earth, a piece of my heart will still be missing. The hurt and pain will always there, but I have acceptance now, and that has really been a relief. I’ve learned to live my life differently than what I had expected. My plans were not His plans, and although I may never know exactly why, someday I will see how His plan was much better than mine.

No one will ever be able to tell you how long you should keep trying to conceive. There’s no magic answer. My experience is different than yours, just as yours is different from everyone else’s. Follow your heart, but know that with a baby or without, you are valuable, you are whole and you matter to me.

Please feel free to contact me through my website. I would love to chat with you, pray with you, or answer any questions you might have.

Many thanks to Salina for sharing her story and her heart with us. Please leave a comment below to let her know you appreciate her.

Looking for more encouragement during infertility? Be sure to download my free infertility prayer calendar.

 

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