You may or may not know that I’m struggling with infertility. I need to tell you some things in order to preserve our friendship.
I am truly happy for you, but I may need to distance myself for awhile.
One of the nasty side-effects of infertility is jealousy. It really is possible to be genuinely happy for someone, but also extremely envious. I experience this even more intensely if I know you got pregnant very quickly or weren’t actually trying to get pregnant. It’s not that I want you to suffer from infertility, too. But it’s almost unbelievable to me that people actually get pregnant without assistance. It really is very easy for some people, and that’s so foreign to me.
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This jealousy causes me great distress and guilt. It’s a terrible feeling when I realize I’ve spent the past half hour ruminating over how unfair it all is. I should be celebrating the new life you’re carrying. So, it’s easier for me to be happy for you if I don’t have to see your bulging belly or hear about your morning sickness. Is that wrong of me? Perhaps. Honestly, I don’t know. But I do know it’s often what’s necessary to maintain my emotional state-of-being. Please be patient with me if I disappear for a bit.
I’m probably not your only friend struggling with infertility.
Please send me an invitation to your baby shower, but don’t take it personally if I decline to attend.
One of the hardest things about infertility is that it’s a very isolating experience. I feel like I don’t fit in with my fertile friends, and I’m missing out on all the experiences that come along with pregnancy. When a friend neglects to invite me to her baby shower, it just adds to the feeling of isolation (even if she withheld the invite to try to spare my feelings). Please send that invitation!
That being said, baby showers are brutal for someone going through infertility. Plus, even if I could muster up enough courage to attend, I’d be worried about getting emotional and taking the attention off of you. So, I probably won’t come to your shower, but at least I know you’re thinking of me. Besides, an invitation means you’ll get a great gift from me!
I care about you and your baby very much. I know you care about me, too. Thanks for listening and being there for me. I hope you’ll let me be there for you to the best of my ability, too.
P.S. Are you looking for more encouragement during infertility? Be sure to check out my free infertility prayer calendar and my 31 Days of Prayer During Infertility series.
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This is perfect, my friend, just perfect!
I love this. Just absolutely love this.
So true!
Good post. I tried to explain the conflicting emotions to someone recently. The best I could manage was that she should fully enjoy her pregnancy. If that means posting belly pictures, do it. I told her that my sorrow should not detract from her joy, so she should soak up her joy while understanding that I may not look at baby bump pictures and so on.
That’s a really good way of explaining it to your friend, Davy. Well-said.
Amazing honest post. I can totally relate as an IVF patient with many friends with newborns.
Oh, how I love this post! Totally relateable.
It’s so nice to hear others going through the same emotional struggle. In January I had to attend a friend’s baby shower while I was in the throes of a miscarriage. What a difficult day that was! I chose to leave the party early and felt so guilty for doing so (and I think it upset my friend, as I’ve not heard a peep from her since). Thank you for sharing your own emotional battle with this!
Oh, Sarah, I can’t imagine attending a baby shower while experiencing a miscarriage. My heart goes out to you, and you are such a rock star for going to that shower! Hopefully your friend will come to an understanding of just how painful that must have been for you. Blessings and hugs to you.
Thank you for this post. I’m coming from the other side of things and I appreciate this perspective as some of my childless friends have pulled away from me when I have been pregnant or with a newborn and I haven’t understood why. This gave me a lot to think about and a new sympathy for what they are experiencing. Thanks again for sharing.
Thanks for the thoughtful words, Bridget. You are a good friend for trying to understand why your childless friends sometimes struggle.
Beautifully said! And oh so true.
Great post!
Thank you, Lisa!
So true, thank you for posting!
I’m glad you shared where you’re coming from – its an important thing for your friends to know. BUT, not all childless women are jealous when their friends get pregnant, or find baby showers to be sad events. I had my first child very late, and then had a miscarriage after that. I was always 100% delighted to hear friends’ baby news – and it greatly saddened me when they would tell others but not tell me for fear of causing jealousy or grief. If I couldn’t have a baby of my own, I wanted to be able to *enjoy* their happiness – and excluding me from the good news was simply hurtful. We have a friend who was pregnant along with me when I had my miscarriage – I LOVE seeing her little one (who is just the age mine would have been) grow and passing along hand-me-downs to them that we couldn’t use. For me, it is not a sad thing that THEY have a baby to hold, just because my little one is in Heaven now.
You’re right in that not all childless women experience jealousy or struggle with sadness. My intention was not to imply that all childless women do. I just wanted to give voice to those of us who do struggle. It’s wonderful that you’re able to enjoy your friends’ children without feeling that. Best wishes to you!
Hello,I am, Well past bearing children now, but I want to say two things,Firstly I had a friend who was pregnant the same time I was and I miscarried. I have the joy of seeing her daughter grow and live life and I rejoice. Also, it is God who opens and closes the womb, and I wonder if Hannah felt this kind of jealousy you experience?
I hope and pray you will one day have a child to hold! Blessings, Roxy
Thanks, Roxy.
I remember watching several of my best friends get pregnant with their first children, and then their second children…..and I was still waiting to get pregnant with my first! I remember being happy for them but sad for me.
I never distanced myself from them though, and I loved playing with their babies. It sort of was like a balm to my wounded heart. I also worked in the nursery at church and loved those babies and dreamed about when I’d get my own someday.
But after several years of infertility I got to a point where attending baby showers was more difficult. Infertility is like the death of a dream every month. I remember wanting to slap a gal who was complaining about not getting pregnant because she’d been trying for “three whole months” to have a baby and I said “Try struggling for three whole years!”
Oh, and all the “helpful” advice from people who NEVER struggled to have a baby and got pregnant their first try and all the “Are you SURE you want a baby?” comments from tired moms. I actually have an infertility post in my drafts and all this talk has reminded me that I need to finish it!
Sorry I’ve written a book here, lol! I do pray that one day soon you will find yourself pregnant! Thank you for sharing your heart and being so transparent. Also, thanks so much for linking up to “Making Your Home Sing Monday!”
Thanks for the prayers! I’d love to see an infertility post from you. Finish that draft! 🙂
I know exactly you feel regarding the advice from people that have easily fallen pregnant ? Really hard to take on board.
Thank you for hill your trufyhtjk haul posts, so nice to know we’re not all alone in this hard joinery. X
I have also noticed how completely insane it seems that someone could just get pregnant by having sex with their husband. This to me is equivalent to climbing Everest. Boggles my mind.
Right? It’s like magic. I told someone recently it’s like going to Hogwarts and failing all the exams! 🙂
Been there. It was really difficult for me to go to showers and first birthday parties. Let your friends know that you are happy for them, but do whatever it is that you need to do for you right now. Thinking of you!
Thanks, Jessica! I appreciate the good thoughts.
This is a beautiful way to explain a difficult journey. Heart Hugs, Shelly <3
Thanks, Shelly.
Thank you for sharing your heart at The Weekend Brew!
My pastor and his wife are struggling with this as well. I almost feel bad when he asks about our kids, because I can see it in his face, he’s trying to be supportive, but it pains him that he may never have any of his own.
Wow, how difficult for your pastor. The church is one of the hardest places to be when you’re struggling with infertility, and I can only image that it’s amplified for a pastor and his wife since all eyes are on them, and they can’t disappear if they need to. You’re a good friend for recognizing their struggles. Let them know you’re praying for them and that they’re in your thoughts. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Beautiful, thoughtful, sensitive post.
After our baby died due to growing in my fallopian tube, I attended a friend’s baby shower. I was on edge the whole time, as I was about 2 months out from our loss and the grief was very fresh. But I wanted to support her. In the end, it may have been bettter had I stayed at home. When it came time to write out a blessing to the baby, My heart broke. I just wanted to write, “I hope you stay alive.” when it came to reading our blessing (which I had composed a more socially acceptable blessing), I couldn’t get the words out through tears. I handed it to my friend, ran to the bathroom, and wept for the next who-knows-how long. When I emerged with bloodshot, swollen eyes, she hugged me for a long time, and I tried my best to pretend that outburst hadn’t really happened. I definitely felt like I placed a burden on her to comfort me, when she should have been carefree celebrating her baby.
The next shower I attended was one I hosted for a friend. She had undergone a miscarriage and failed adoption, and it was “easier” to celebrate. The harder part was that another friend of mine there had recently announced her pregnancy.
Today, I attended my third shower in 2.5 years, and I only attended because I hosted. Unfortunately, last week I had my third miscarriage (fourth pregnancy loss) in a row. The hardest part of today was actually a guest who came with a big bump. I mostly stayed “busy” in the kitchen hostessing, did not participate in the games, and barely watched the presents. My mother-in-law who was helping me took on the hostess role for a bit so I could deal.
Sorry for the novel. I just relate. I’m surrounded by pregnancy. While we do conceive, we suffer early loss. We have one biological daughter who barely made it out of my womb alive. I guess because my infertility “looks” different than primary infertility, I feel like I’m supposed to be better able to handle the triggers. But I’m not. Loss is loss. Grief is grief. And at least for tonight I can say, I survived another baby shower.
Rachel, you are my hero for even attending a shower so soon after a loss. I haven’t been to a shower in over a year because I just couldn’t do it. You’re right- loss is loss, whether it’s before conception or after conception. Blessings and hugs to you.
Ijooooo Lisa, I could not have said it better. Thank you for being the voice for so many of us. Its not even about being jealous its a constant reminder of what you long for and your loss!!!!!
I am a childless married woman. We have been married for six years, but we are just beginning to talk about and explore the possibility of infetility. I don’t know if we are infertile yet because we have not gone through any testing. However, I am grateful for your feature on SITS today in the event this beomes our reality. Happy SITS Day and many prayers to you.
I sincerely hope and pray you don’t have to walk this road, Cajun. But be encouraged that there’s a wonderful infertility community online if you do. Many blessings to you!
This post offers so much insight and your blog is beautiful, well written and a wonderful resource for many people. I wish you happiness in your journey. This advice can be applied to so many of lifes situation’s – I’m glad I had an opportunity to read this today. Happy SITS Day.
Thanks so much, Susan! I appreciate you stopping by and leaving such kind words.
Hi, visiting you via the SITS girls. Your post is moving. This is a problem that is becoming more and more common. Some couples are infertile, others cannot have children because of health issues. My mom almost did not have my sister and I, her problem was that she always miscarried. It was just as painful, or even more so, to find herself elated because she was pregnant and then lose it a little while later. I share this with you to show you that your story is shared by many women, and those who know, are in complete heart-sympathy with you. Not having a child does not make you less of a woman than others, and your marriage is just as special as any other that is full of children. You are of value for who you are. I hope your blog can comfort and encourage many women around the world who are traveling the same road that you’re on. Wish you the very best!
Thanks so much for stopping by from SITS and leaving such a thoughtful comment!
Wow, reading this has given me a new perspective on a relationship I have with a friend who is struggling with infertility. I understand a little more why she has been distant now. Thank you for this.
JoAnn, I’m so glad it was helpful. That’s one of the reasons I blog- to help spread awareness about infertility to friends of family of those going through it.
This is a great post. I believe part of the reason infertility is becoming more common is all the stuff in our environment that wasn’t there 40+ years ago…GMOs, chemicals like dioxins, parabens, BPA endocrine modulators in our food supply & cosmetics mean a lot of women are estrogen dominant, not always picked up by general hormone testing. Endo and PCOS are unbelievably common, myself included. Not to mention the effect estrogenic compounds have on male fertility and sperm quality. It is amazing to me that anyone can get pregnant at all with all the odds stacked against us. Functional and Integrative medicine can be very helpful in addressing the underlying reasons for hormonal imbalance in the body. I am going to a functional doc next month to address my endo.
I bet it’s so hard to watch others going through what you are trying so desperately for. My best friend went through ivf three times and years of trying before that it was the hardest thing for me to tell her I was pregnant twice before she did finally get pregnant herself. I never took it personally and understand why she didn’t want to be involved. I am sure your friends and family understand too! If not, I hope your lovely post here will help them. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme
This is a really thoughtful and interesting post on a very sensitive subject.
I totally get it – although I have never experienced fertility issues my first child was Stillborn at 41 weeks, a year later his father left me and it was a further 4 years before I met my now husband and we had our eldest daughter. Through those years I found it so hard to deal with pregnant friends (or even strangers). Bitter doesn’t quite cover it.
I was asked to be godmother to my cousins baby just a year after my son had died, the whole process was awful.
People really don’t understand do they?
Posts like this really will help to educate people to think a little more about the people around them. Now I am lucky enough to have two children I always try to think of others.
#sharewithme
Thanks so much for sharing this. I do not have fertility issues but I have experienced the longing for a baby or to be pregnant whilst surrounded by pregnant friends. I know that is hard so your journey must be infinitely more so x x x
Thanks for sharing your post. I realize it’s over a year ago this was posted, but it helps me in knowing how you and others feel. I can relate in some points of your post, such as the announcements and baby showers – we had a miscarriage last October and shortly thereafter a friend from work announced she was pregnant. She was very thoughtful in how she broke the news to me, and yet I still had feelings of jealousy and envy. Then came time for her Baby Shower, just a few days before our Baby was supposed to be due… but anyhow.
I want you to know that I’m praying for you – I read your about section and pray everything will go well for you and your family.
Again, thank you so much for sharing, this post is so valuable in helping us “others”.