Each week I interview someone who has experienced infertility firsthand. This week I’m interviewing Sara and Ryan from Making Babies the Bennett Way. I’m so excited to interview this couple for two reasons: This is my first interview featuring a woman AND a man, and this is also my first interview with a couple who chose embryo adoption. I hope you enjoy their interview!
Questions for Sara
Q. Tell us a little about yourself.
My name is Sara and I blog over at Making Babies the Bennett Way. My husband Ryan and I have been together over 10 years and we are celebrating 8 years of marriage in May. We always knew we wanted to be parents so after years of unsuccessful fertility treatments we moved onto the next best option for us – embryo adoption. We started our blog as a way to keep our family and friends in the loop as we traveled down this path.
Q. How long did you try to conceive and what challenges were you facing?
Our situation is a little different in the fact that we always knew we might have troubles conceiving because I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when I was 22. I had two surgeries, one to remove the tumor, which was the size of a large grapefruit, and the second was to remove my left ovary and tube because the majority of the tumor was attached to the left ovary and tube.
After we got married in May 2006 I stopped taking my birth control pills. It wasn’t like we were actively trying to get pregnant but at the same time we were not doing anything to prevent it either. We knew we wanted kids and figured if it happened, it happened. Things were going fine until the summer of 2008 when we found out my cancer had returned. I had a third surgery to remove only the tumors from my right ovary. I begged my doctor to save my right tube and ovary if at all possible because we wanted kids.
Shortly after my third surgery my oncologist connected us with a fertility specialist. She was concerned there might be something else attributing to why we hadn’t gotten pregnant yet. Therefore, after a battery of tests and blood work we started down the path of fertility treatments. I was taking my temperature every morning, monitored my cycles very closely and using ovulation tests to confirm I was in fact ovulating each month, which I was. After a few months of monitoring my cycles we moved onto Clomid, which was also unsuccessful. Shortly after Clomid, which I often call our “gateway drug” (because as many of you know once you start fertility treatments it’s hard to stop. You tell yourself just one more attempt, just one more try that’s all we need before we get our BFP). Shortly after our unsuccessful attempts with Clomid we moved onto IVF and subsequent FETs. All of which came to an end when my ovarian cancer returned once again.
By December 2009, after two rounds of IVF with fresh transfers and three FETs we were told it was too risky to move forward with another round of IVF. Risky because if during the retrieval procedure they punctured any of the tumors the cells within the tumors would be released into my abdomen which meant the cancer could spread anywhere. Yes, I wanted to have a child but more importantly I wanted to be a healthy mommy. Therefore, we made the difficult decision to have a fourth surgery to remove my remaining ovary and tube. All I had left after my surgery was my uterus, which is all you need to carry a child. Thankfully it was not compromised during any of the surgeries. We had three frozen embryos remaining from our last IVF so we were hopeful that after I recovered from surgery we could transfer our remaining embryos and finally get our BFP!
We transferred our remaining embryos in 2010 and yet again we were disappointed when it was confirmed they didn’t stick. I think this was one of the hardest ones to deal with because it meant I wouldn’t be having a child that was genetically related to me. I no longer had my ovaries or tubes which meant I didn’t have any more eggs to fertilize.
Q. You ultimately achieved a healthy pregnancy through embryo adoption. What led you to that decision?
After we came to terms with this, we started exploring traditional adoption. However, my yearning to experience pregnancy was stronger than ever. I wanted to experience being pregnant and wasn’t ready to give up just yet. We often get asked why we didn’t try donor eggs. We had discussed this possibility but since we didn’t know why our previous attempts didn’t work we felt it was best if we took both of us out of the equation. Meaning, we wouldn’t use Ryan’s sperm to fertilize any eggs.
After doing a quick search on Google for “embryo adoption,” my faith that I could carry a child was quickly restored when the search returned a number of results. Embryo adoption appealed to us for a number of reasons which included:
- I would be able to experience pregnancy – the good and the bad
- The embryos were coming from individuals that had been through the same struggles we had but they got their BFP and instead of destroying their remaining embryos or donating them to research they choose to donate them to another couple in need.
- The chances for a BFP were slightly higher because of the fact that there had been one or multiple successful pregnancies with other embryos from the same “batch.”
- You can choose to have an open or closed adoption, just as you can with traditional adoptions.
- Overall it felt like we had more control over the situation.
Q. What advice would you give to someone considering embryo adoption?
Do your research and be open to all options. There are a few different companies that specialize in embryo donation and adoption. Each company has their own set of requirements; some require you to have a home study, some require you to travel to their clinic, some require you to attend online blogs/classes to learn more about the process and some offer both “open” and “closed” adoptions.You will also want to make sure that you adopt embryos through a company that only specializes in the donation and adoption, you will want to be certain, before you take possession of the embryos, that you have written consent from a doctor that they will perform the transfer. There are some doctors that won’t perform transfers with adopted embryos because they are from a “third party.”Finally, I’d highly suggest keeping a pad of paper somewhere close to you at all times so you can jot down questions as you think of them.
Q. What was your lowest point and how did you survive it?
By far my miscarriage was my lowest point. It was our first FET with adopted embryos and our first BFP. We were over the moon and couldn’t believe it; we were finally going to be parents. Only to have our dreams crushed when we were told I had miscarried. We got this information just days before my 30th birthday. It was almost unbearable to go through each day knowing that I was pregnant but I wasn’t really pregnant because the baby had stopped developing; there was no more heart beat. I had a D&C scheduled and the days leading up to it seemed to go by so slowly. Each day seemed to last a week. All I wanted to do was move on and I couldn’t until after my D&C.I think the only thing that helped me move forward after my miscarriage was the fact that I, for the first time ever, was pregnant. Our faith had been restored. I no longer felt like a failure, for the first time ever my body did what seemed to come so natural to others. We now knew it was possible for me to get pregnant. Our next challenge was finding just the right concoction of fertility meds to help the pregnancy along during those first few critical weeks before the placenta was able to produce the hormones it needed on its own.
Q. Which books, songs, blog, verses, quotes, etc. inspired you during your journey?
I read many blogs and books throughout our journey but none of them mentioned anything about embryo adoption. Embryo donation and adoption is still very new in the world of medicine. As mentioned before, some doctors will perform transfers with adopted embryos while others won’t. This was probably one of the toughest things for me because I like to read about other people’s experience but this just wasn’t possible. This is also one of the main reasons for us starting our blog; we wanted to help education people. Even if we help only one couple, we’ve done what we set out to do.
Q. Can you recommend any good resources for more information on embryo adoption?
The two places I turned to the most were the National Embryo Donation Center (NEDC) located in Knoxville, Tennessee and ReproTech, Ltd. We adopted our first sent of embryos through NEDC. We did two FETs with these embryos. The first resulted in our first ever BFP and subsequent miscarriage, while the second was unsuccessful.
The second set we adopted from ReproTech. This was the set that results in our BFP and our miracle baby – Madelyn. We have 3 embryos from this set remaining. We know in the future we will do another FET in the hopes of adding another miracle to our family. This means Madelyn and her future brother/sister would be biological siblings – how cool is that!!
After we got our BFP with the adopted embryos from ReproTech we contacted NEDC and told them we wanted to “release” our other embryos to another family. We didn’t think it was appropriate for us to have two sets of embryos when there are plenty of other deserving families. Oddly enough that was an easy decision to make because to us if felt like we were helping another couple.
Questions for Ryan
Q. How did you handle the infertility diagnosis compared to your wife? Did you cope in the same way or differently?
Having been through quite a few medical diagnoses and surgeries myself, I have learned to take things in stride. Sara, on the other hand, seemed to take the diagnosis personal and thought it was somehow her fault. I would reassure her that she had done nothing wrong and sometimes things just happen which are out of our control. Having dealt with Sara being diagnosed with ovarian cancer while we were dating and being by her side for all the surgeries, I knew that we could get through this next challenge.
Sara and I coped with the situation differently. I internalized everything while Sara researched all the options, read blogs and started her own blog to get our experience out for others to learn from.
Q. Have you been able to connect with other men experiencing infertility? If so, how did you make those connections and what was it like? If not, what do you think would facilitate easier connections between men?
No, I have not connected with other men experiencing infertility. In my opinion, it doesn’t seem like a topic that would come up in conversation. I have been very open with family, friends, and even co-workers with regards to our embryo adoption. I want to make more people aware of the option of embryo adoption. Almost everyone I have told our story too has said the same thing “I did not know that you could do that!” I think having a support group or someone to talk to when going through the process would help. Being able to connect with other men to get their perspective about everything could not only help them but also help them connect with their significant other.
Q. Were you on-board with embryo adoption right away or did it take some time to get used to the idea?
Yes, I was on board with embryo adoption from the beginning. Because we had tried IVF multiple times with our own embryos without success and knowing that we no longer had that option, I was willing to try whatever we could to complete our dream of becoming parents. I knew how important being able to carry a baby was to Sara so embryo adoption was the best choice for us to achieve that goal.
Joint Questions
Q. How do you respond to people’s questions and curiosity about embryo adoption?
We have always been very open with our situation. We’re very comfortable sharing our story with others and answering any and all questions. All in the hopes of educating others, we would love to know that another couple received their BFP through embryo adoption after hearing about our story.
Q. What kind of responses have you received from friends and family?
We have an absolutely fantastic family and group of friends. All of them have been very supportive from day one. They cried with us when we shared the news of the miscarriage and then cried tears of joy when we shared the news that we were pregnant with Madelyn. We can count on them for anything and everything.
Q. What was the biggest surprise during your journey?
The biggest surprise to us was you could adopt embryos! Another surprise to us was the number of embryos that are available for adoption now. According to NEDC’s website there are an estimated 600,000 human embryos in cryopreservation just in the U.S.!
Q. Anything else you’d like to share with my readers?
We are completely and totally open to answering any questions your readers might have about embryo adoption because we know from experience it’s something that is rarely discussed. Therefore, if anyone has any questions they are more than welcome to email us at s_m_bennett@yahoo.com.
Wow! I’m so excited that Sara and Ryan were so open and forthcoming. I believe their interview will be hugely inspiring and helpful to anyone considering embryo adoption. Please leave a comment below to let them you know appreciate them, and don’t forget to stop by their blog!
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