A few weeks ago I interviewed Katie from Mommy Dreaming. She graciously offered to write a guest post about how IVF changed her for the better. Enjoy!
IVF Turned this Girl Into A Woman
Here we go again.. I am about to embark on my 3rd round of IVF. I would have never guessed back in my younger years that it would not be until my mid-30s that I would finally be trying to conceive a baby. You see, I was one of those girls who thought I’d have four kids by the age of thirty. There it is.. “girl” I am not a “girl” anymore am I! Never have I ever been so proud to say those words.
I am not a “girl” anymore
One year ago this month I embarked on my first round of IVF. Exited, nervous and scared I just knew that I would get pregnant the first try. Things always seem to go my way. As I stood in my bathroom with all the medication spread out on the counter I didn’t know how I was going to be able to inject myself with a large needle. “Do I have to do this?” I thought to myself.
After a phone call with a doctor on-call I hung up the phone, wiped my tears, and decided I had no choice. The idea of IVF was different than the reality of crying in my bathroom at 10pm. Long story longer… I did it and never looked back. I have injected myself dozens of times to-date and don’t mind it one bit. I feel proud to be so strong and know how hard it was for me that first night.
I did get pregnant! It was a wonderful time. We put back two eggs and saw one sac then one sac with a fetal pole and heartbeat! It seemed as though there was no defining moment of ‘Yes, you are pregnant!‘ It felt hard to celebrate ..or maybe we somehow knew. At about 11 weeks I got violently ill. I was up all night throwing up for seemingly no reason. Two days later we found out the baby stopped growing and had no heart beat. We were devastated beyond belief. A piece of me died.
The idea of having a baby was something I wanted since I can remember. I waited so extra long and had to go down this awful path to find out I needed to have a D&C. After the surgery was over I just wanted to sleep and sleep for days. I fell into a depression / soul searching / life-limbo that lasted about 8 months. This was the lowest moment of my life (I did seek out therapy as soon as two months), but I came out the other side enlightened!
Enlightened, loved, accepted and best of all, accepting of myself, my relationship, and my life. Being faced with the fact of losing a baby and possibly never becoming a mom made me think about myself deeper than I thought possible. Who am I really? Am I ok not having children with my husband? What would my life be like and what do I have to offer the world? My relationship?
Well.. the answers I found amazed me and positivity has poured into all areas of my life.
So here we go again.. I am about to embark on my third round of IVF and I have never been so exited. It may work this time or it may take another try after that. Who knows? But I plan to enjoy the whole process! I am thankful for the little things and grateful for life itself. I have soul searched and realized I am not a “girl” anymore and I do not want the same things I did when I was younger. I want one baby, not four. It’s amazing I had the time to see and figure this out. I am healthier than ever, and I’m the woman I have always dreamed I’d be.. happy, healthy, positive and fulfilled.
*** Looking for tips on surviving IVF? Check out my post, 10 Practical Ways to Prepare for IVF ***
Connect with me on {Facebook} | {Pinterest} | {Twitter}| {Instagram}