Resolve to Know More About a Husband’s Experience With Infertility

Every Friday I publish interviews with people who have been affected by infertility.  In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW),  I’m interviewing my husband, Tom!  Enjoy!

Q.  How has infertility affected our relationship?

That is a long answer. If I am going to answer through a Christian lens, which I guess I must, it has affected us in an extremely positive way. At the risk of sounding cliche, it has absolutely brought us into deeper intimacy, vulnerability and forced us to mentally and spiritually be altered, which in a marriage relationship undoubtedly affects the other. I can easily say it has made us better.

Q.  How has this experience affected your faith?

Again, a very complex answer. It is affecting my faith because we are still in the midst of these experiences. I sit in awe that God has brought me from such low depths to where I am at this moment, typing this, where I feel so confident in who He is and what He has us doing. I am starting to see that if this faith is real (which it is), and God if is good (which He is), then our experiences are surely making us better and are bringing us into better relationship with Him. It has made me realize that I cannot manipulate God.  Rather, I am forced to realize my helplessness, my absolute need of Him, and then I am led to smile and take it day-by-day, minute-by-minute, and live as joyfully as I can.

Q.  How have you handled my emotional ups-and-downs? 

They have been difficult, but they were difficult before this since you have always been up and down. This has just worsened the highs and the low. But again, I see that this is an experience you are called to endure, and therefore I can deal with that better knowing it is part of the greater process. I feel as though I handle them well, balancing them with my own shortcomings and problems. As you know, I generally live pretty high, but my lows are very low, and that is a bad place. But I have realized that some situations are supposed to be difficult, and that you are allowed to have bad days. That has helped my patience. Plus, I am not the one getting injected in the stomach and/or butt several times a day, that knowledge usually helps. 

Q.  What was your biggest fear going into IVF?

Originally, my biggest fears were if it didn’t work or miscarriage. I’d say a close second was fearing how you were going to react as so much of my well-being correlates with your own. Now post-miscarriage, my fears have subsided a bit. There is always the fear of the unknown, but through therapy (which I’ve been doing for a few years now), I know that the best way to deal with anxiety and fear is to imagine the worst case scenario and come to grips with it by realizing life would continue. Well, I thought nothing could be worse than a miscarriage, and for a couple days, I felt like dying. But it subsided, and there is hope for the future, so we press on!

Q.  How has infertility affected your identity?

I have always defined myself as a hard worker and a raging optimist.  I see myself as someone who takes too much on and somehow, through God’s grace, accomplishes those things. Unless of course, those things are out of His will and then I crash and burn and learn. Infertility and IVF was such a blow to my identity because I had NO control, and I think God is showing me I need to let go and trust in Him. I used to struggle daily with the “why” and the “when” and the “how”, but I do much less worrying and more trusting. Like I said earlier, I refuse to believe that what we are going through is anything but good in the end, so in a way it has “reshaped” my identity. Like the great Jakob Dylan sings, “I ain’t changed, but I know I ain’t the same.”

Q.  What advice would you give to other men struggling with infertility?

I cannot claim to have come up with most of this because I am blessed to know many men who have been through IVF, so most of the following is a compilation of what they’ve shared with me

1. Don’t take the mood swings personally. The drugs and hormones are going to have an effect on her, so DO NOT let that get to you. You are bigger than that.
2. Have emotional outlets and trusted guy friends that you can confide in.
3. Even if your male-factor issues are the prime cause of your infertility, stay positive because it does not define you.
4. Love your wife so thoroughly it hurts. Offer foot-rubs, head rubs and whatever rubs your wife likes as often as you can!  This experience is no joke, so do whatever you can do to ease tension and stress, no questions asked.
5. Make sure that before all else, your marriage is bigger than children, IVF, or any other “thing”. Your marriage is paramount, you two are one flesh and that is what matters. I made sure every day for a long time to remind myself and Lisa that we are bigger and better than this.  Even if our IVF is successful and we have five kids, they will never be bigger than our marriage; we will always come first.

Q.  You were pretty open with our “real-life” friends and family while we did our first IVF cycle. Do you think you’ll be as open the second time around? Why or why not?

I will not be as open. That again was a major learning experience for me. By nature, I am an open person and I like to share good news. We had been trying for so long that when we finally got a positive pregnancy test, I couldn’t contain my emotion. However, that was short lived. I told my best friend we were pregnant literally a couple of hours before we found out we miscarried. It was rough. Therefore, I think this is something I will keep a little closer to the chest next time and will share when we feel we are comfortable, probably after a couple of months, if we are blessed enough for that to happen.

Q.  What do you think could be done to make more men feel comfortable talking about infertility, specifically male factor infertility?

I feel like I gave some time to this in an earlier question, but I will reemphasize. By the way, my problems are low volume and some abnormal motility. I have reduced alcohol intake considerably and gone on a gluten-free diet for almost two months now (down sixteen pounds!) to help counteract some problems, but our doctor said it probably would not help much at all. Eh, I stopped snoring so it was worth it.

Don’t be embarrassed, don’t be down on yourself, and definitely don’t think you are alone. One of the benefits of me being so open is I found out an incredible amount of men in my close-knit community suffer from this; it is very, very common. It would blow your mind how many dudes are near you and going through it so don’t be afraid, just press on and don’t be defined by this. Let your actions and your words define you, not a condition. Some of you will simply be unwilling to discuss this problem, and that is respectable. Just saying, finding support through church and study groups has been incredible for me, and it has blown me away how understanding others have been.

Q.  Anything else you’d like my readers to know?

Just this: keep your marriage strong. That is all that matters. No matter what happens, through trial or pain, your marriage is the best thing in life and the closest intimacy we can have outside of Christ Himself. It should be honored and glorified and blessed everyday, and nothing you can endure should get in the way of that. May your struggles only strengthen your relationship. Be blessed in Him!

Many thanks for my husband for letting me interview him, and for taking this crazy journey with me.  I’m a blessed woman!

If you’d like to learn more about infertility or NIAW, please check out the following links:

• Basic understanding of the disease of infertility
• About NIAW

All photos by Mark Kocina

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