Infertility is sometimes called a hidden disease. According to RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, it affects approximately 10% of the population. Odds are you know someone dealing with infertility now or in the past. During my own battle with infertility, I’ve realized most people have no idea that asking certain questions can be very painful to those suffering from the disease. Obviously, the majority of insensitive people have no malicious intent; they simply lack awareness. I used to be one of them. In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week 2014, let me suggest three situations in which you need to be particularly sensitive to the possibility of infertility.
You want to know if a new acquaintance has children.
I once visited the home of a middle-aged couple who had been married over 30 years. I noticed they didn’t have any pictures of children or grandchildren in their home and asked about it. The wife said, “It just never happened for us,” and quickly changed the subject. Years later, I cringe as I look back on that moment. It was obviously a very painful question for her. Instead of directly asking a new acquaintance if they have children, consider saying something like “Tell me about yourself and your family.” This takes the emphasis off of children and allows people to talk about their spouse, parents, siblings, and other important people in their life. If they don’t mention children- don’t ask.
You want to know when someone is going to have children.
Honestly, it’s none of your business (even if you’re their mother or their best friend). It can be very surprising for couples when they have trouble conceiving. They may be embarrassed, afraid, or ashamed, and may not want to talk about it. Even if a couple ends up having no trouble getting pregnant, it’s still a private matter between two people. You wouldn’t ask someone about their sex life under other circumstances, so why is it any more acceptable just because there might be a baby involved? If you must ask (and really, you shouldn’t), don’t do it in front of other people. Ask gently and in private. Be prepared for them to give an awkward answer, or for them refuse to answer all together. However they respond, don’t push them for more information or offer unsolicited advice.
You want to know if someone struggling to conceive has tried [insert your own remedy here].
“Have you tried relaxing?” “Have you tried going vegan / gluten-free / Paleo /?” “Have you tried going on vacation?” “Have you tried Reiki?” “Have you tried putting your legs in the air after sex?” These types of questions may be well-intended but they imply that the reason the person hasn’t been successful is because they’re doing something wrong. Sure, we all know someone who got pregnant when they went on a cruise, started eating better or attending weekly yoga classes. But that doesn’t mean the same thing will happen for everyone. And for couples suffering from a diagnosis like polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), premature ovarian failure, or endometriosis, the suggestions are downright insulting. If you want to give advice to someone who is struggling to conceive, feel free to do so after you’ve been asked. Otherwise, please keep your remedies and suggestions to yourself. Let the couple do their own research and ask their own questions when they’re ready.
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