Infertility is sometimes called a hidden disease. According to RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, it affects approximately 10% of the population. Odds are you know someone dealing with infertility now or in the past. During my own battle with infertility, I’ve realized most people have no idea that asking certain questions can be very painful to those suffering from the disease. Obviously, the majority of insensitive people have no malicious intent; they simply lack awareness. I used to be one of them. In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week 2014, let me suggest three situations in which you need to be particularly sensitive to the possibility of infertility.
You want to know if a new acquaintance has children.
I once visited the home of a middle-aged couple who had been married over 30 years. I noticed they didn’t have any pictures of children or grandchildren in their home and asked about it. The wife said, “It just never happened for us,” and quickly changed the subject. Years later, I cringe as I look back on that moment. It was obviously a very painful question for her. Instead of directly asking a new acquaintance if they have children, consider saying something like “Tell me about yourself and your family.” This takes the emphasis off of children and allows people to talk about their spouse, parents, siblings, and other important people in their life. If they don’t mention children- don’t ask.
You want to know when someone is going to have children.
Honestly, it’s none of your business (even if you’re their mother or their best friend). It can be very surprising for couples when they have trouble conceiving. They may be embarrassed, afraid, or ashamed, and may not want to talk about it. Even if a couple ends up having no trouble getting pregnant, it’s still a private matter between two people. You wouldn’t ask someone about their sex life under other circumstances, so why is it any more acceptable just because there might be a baby involved? If you must ask (and really, you shouldn’t), don’t do it in front of other people. Ask gently and in private. Be prepared for them to give an awkward answer, or for them refuse to answer all together. However they respond, don’t push them for more information or offer unsolicited advice.
You want to know if someone struggling to conceive has tried [insert your own remedy here].
“Have you tried relaxing?” “Have you tried going vegan / gluten-free / Paleo /?” “Have you tried going on vacation?” “Have you tried Reiki?” “Have you tried putting your legs in the air after sex?” These types of questions may be well-intended but they imply that the reason the person hasn’t been successful is because they’re doing something wrong. Sure, we all know someone who got pregnant when they went on a cruise, started eating better or attending weekly yoga classes. But that doesn’t mean the same thing will happen for everyone. And for couples suffering from a diagnosis like polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), premature ovarian failure, or endometriosis, the suggestions are downright insulting. If you want to give advice to someone who is struggling to conceive, feel free to do so after you’ve been asked. Otherwise, please keep your remedies and suggestions to yourself. Let the couple do their own research and ask their own questions when they’re ready.
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All great points! Thanks for sharing!!!
Thanks, Caroline!
Great post. You give some good tips. I used to hate it when people would ask when I was going to have kids. Now I hate it when they ask me when I’m going to have my *next* one. Ugh. I’ve learned to tell them that we hit the jackpot with the one we have so we are stopping. Sometimes I blame my husband so that they leave me alone. I tell them that he says he’s too old to have any more kids. 🙂
I love the response about hitting the jackpot with one!
Great points. I love the last two especially.
Thanks, Kim!
Hi Lisa! Great suggestions. It is even hard for me (an infertile) to broach the topic. We are all curious when/if someone has children, but there are very few polite ways to ask.
I agree. It’s such a common question in our society that it’s almost an automatic reflex to ask. However, I’ve discovered that if someone has children, they’ll usually end up mentioning them eventually.
Beautifully said. I like the suggesting of asking someone to tell you about their family – great idea!
Thanks, Lara!
Great suggestions, I can definitely relate to being asked when are we having kids. Im finding that friends that know are making the worst suggestions ever, I was just offered my SIL’s next baby if it was a girl.. How is that helpful at all?
Wow, that’s not very helpful. I’d be tempted to say, “Great, I’ll take her!” and see how they respond. Haha!
Well said, Lisa.
I have passed through a phase where people stopped asking us about when we were going to have children. That exclusion, especially when in the company of young fertile/trying couples was a pincher in itself.
I like the fact that rather than just criticizing, you have also suggested an alternative.
Found you through the Resolve blog posts list – GREAT post. “…they imply that the reason the person hasn’t been successful is because they’re doing something wrong.” YES. So much to this!
I’m so glad you stopped by, Becky! I’m looking forward to following your blog, too.
I agree with all of this! I do try a lot to be thankful that they care enough to want to fix my problem with advice. The problem is they don’t care enough to take the time to research and give me real advice. 🙂
Great advice! My husband and I have had trouble conceiving and I got so tired of people asking me “when we were going to start trying” or “Are you pregnant?” At the end of February I had a miscarriage and it was completely devastating. I would never wish it on anyone. The good that came out of it was that people quit asking me when we were going to start a family. Unfortunately though for awhile we were the recipients of ridiculous remarks and advice. Many people act like they know exactly how it feels when they are absolutely clueless. Someone even told me after I bought a fish “Oh it would be great if you could have a baby! Then you wouldn’t have to buy fish!” I was dumbfounded… equating a baby to a fish is like saying I would trade my husband’s love letters for a roll of toilet paper. I appreciate you for stating the things we all wish someone would say! Thank you!
Becky, I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I can’t believe what that person said about your fish. Ridiculous. I wish you many blessings in the future. Hugs.
I hope this gets around and really is an encouragement to those who need it most. Pinning this!!
Thanks for the pin and kind words, Judith!
Such a sensitive issue! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Resolve to Know More About Being Sensitive to Infertility 4 years of infertility, a 30 week preemie, a full term fetal death, 2 years of infertility, and a 35 week preemie = I can relate! thank you for your article! Even the most well meaning people often say the absolute worst things!
and 6 miscarriages 🙁
Thanks for the comment, Angela. You’ve been through the ringer yourself. Blessings to you.
Great post! I also think that if people have children they will end up talking about them, so there’s no need to ask. As to the question “why don’t you have children?” which I’ve been asked quite a bit? Do people really want me to answer that, and possibly burst into tears, in public in front of lots of people? There are only two reasons I can think of for a couple not having children:
1. Because they’ve not been able to (probably the most common reason)
2. Because they’ve chosen not, either indefinitely or for a time. Again, no one else’s business.
Of course, for some it may be medical/genetic concerns that have led to them deciding not to. But whatever, it’s not a question that should be asked. Whenever people ask me if I have children, I literally just say “No.” I don’t want to encourage them to continue with the conversation.
One of the Bible studies I was in started the first session with a “get to know you” type of thing. We all went around the room and were asked to say our name and how many kids we had. I was really upset by that. The lady who was leading obviously didn’t mean anything by it, but I wish she had been more thoughtful. It can be painful if you’re one of the only people in the room who doesn’t have kids or are trying and currently unable to.
You’re so right that being the “odd man out” can be very painful. I think this is why it’s so important to share our stories. Most people are not malicious or ill-intentioned. They just don’t know that these types of questions can be very hurtful. The only way for them to understand is for us to talk about it. Best wishes to you, Amanda.
This was a great article. I found your blog through a pin on pinterest. Sometimes it isn’t even the questions people ask but the unasked questions and the look you receive. I know some people must think “what kind of Christians are they? They don’t have children, so they must not like kids.” I always try to be gracious when answering questions that are asked, but it’s so hard.