Please note: this post isn’t aimed at any specific bloggers or tweeters. It’s a challenge to the infertility community as a whole (including myself).
There’s been a lot of drama in the infertility blog-o-sphere and Twitter-land lately.
It seems like a large amount of women who have been struggling with infertility for years found themselves pregnant last month. Some of them were very active on their blogs on social media during infertility and they have continued to be active during their pregnancies.
Some people stuck on the infertility roller coaster don’t like to see former infertility patients posting about their pregnancies. I completely understand this, yet I want to encourage our community to reflect on some things.
A few months ago, I interviewed Emily. She had been very active on Twitter during her battle with infertility and she recently gave birth to her baby after going through IVF. In her interview, she said something that struck a chord with me:
Pregnant women are not the enemy. Infertility is.
Anyone who has suffered through infertility will no doubt be overjoyed when they finally conceive or adopt. Yet, we all know that wounds and scars from any kind of significant pain do not heal quickly or easily. Many of the women who are currently pregnant are still dealing with the doubt and fear that lingers when we know too much about loss. Those of us who are still in the trenches of treatment need to be careful about “killing the wounded,” as blogger/podcaster Chris Locurto puts it.
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I’ve often said that infertility is a bittersweet sisterhood. We are very good at sharing in each other’s struggles, but it’s apparent that we need to improve when it comes to sharing in each other’s triumphs.
I don’t believe that joy and sorrow have to be mutually exclusive. We can rejoice when someone conceives, and still be simultaneously sad that our own wombs are still empty.
So by all means, un-follow someone if it makes you too sad to read about their pregnancy or see their bump pics. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. But please think before you publicly put someone down on the internet.
If we cannot build each other up, let’s at least refrain from tearing each other down.
This is fabulous! I’m not on twitter or instagram so I wasn’t aware of the backlash, but if it’s going on, it’s just sad. I think you addressed the issue beautifully. This community is incredible and has some many points worth celebrating, but I find that I have to be careful of being involved in too many “clubs” or “message boards” or “Facebook groups”… the bitterness can swallow you whole. I certainly wrestle with jealousy and I’ll admit that I rarely react as I should when I see another announcement on Facebook, but fertile couples are not my enemy. They may say things they shouldn’t, they may not understand my pain, but demonizing someone that I want to be is just dumb and juvenile. How much more so should we be cautious to tear down our sisters who fought so hard? A great post and a great reminder!
Love this!! Jealousy and envy will get us no where. It will only cause more heartache in life
Yes, absolutely!
We’re deep in the trenches of secondary infertility (my husband inexplicably having become azoospermic following the normal and straightforward conception of our son) and I’ve come up against the “it’s not REAL infertility” more times than I care to recall. I also write about infertility on what was primarily a pregnancy and parenting blog. I’m proud of this, because I like to think that I’m sharing infertility with those who wouldn’t give it a second thought when it’s never happened to them. Spreading the word is good! But it hurts that some people refuse to acknowledge my experiences because I already have a child – and write about him too.
Of course secondary infertility is completely different to facing the prospect of not having any children at all, but it’s still painful in its own way, and in some unique ways – there is no getting away from small children when you have one of your own, or the relentless parade of people with the children the same age getting pregnant with their second… Third… Fourth babies. And strangers who wouldn’t ask a 30-something woman shopping alone in a supermarket when she is going to have a baby think nothing of asking a 30-something woman’s hopping with her toddler child when she is going to have another because “you shouldn’t leave it too long, you know.”
As you say, infertility is the enemy. Every single woman and man will have a unique experience on their infertility journey, but we all know what it feels like not to be pregnant when we really want to be. That is the commonality we should focus on.
That said, jealously and envy are totally normal when other people achieve it – even infertiles – but those are emotions that should be addressed in private, or with those not directly involved, and by choosing to look away when you need to.
I love that line. Pregnancy is not the enemy infertility is. I can say that I used to get jealous of people that get pregnant easily but every single time one of my TTC achieved pregnancy it felt like a win for us all. Not that its okay to be jealous of anyone but I justified it that way. Now I know pregnancy is a blessing to all who are capable even if they don’t see it.
I do wish we were better about celebrating each others joys as we are about sorrows this post hit home for me. Thanks for sharing.
Oh, Lisa! What a wonderful post! I am not too heavily involved with social media, so haven’t read any of the disparaging remarks. But, you addressed this with so much wisdom and tact. Your gentle spirit shines through, and it is such a blessing. May God’s word flowing through you accomplish healing and bring peace. Praying for you!!
I love this line: “Pregnant women are not the enemy. Infertility is.” I think that goes for even the “fertile” women that get pregnant easily. It’s so hard to rejoice while we are still deep in the trenches of infertility, but there is so much peace when we are able to. Thanks so much for sharing!
This was a much-needed post! Scripture does call us to rejoice with those who are rejoicing and to weep with those who are weeping (Romans 12:15). Having been part of those suffering from infertility, I understand the sensitivity of women whose hearts break when they continue to have problems getting pregnant, or never get pregnant, and others around them just seem to blossom with babies.
When I was in this exclusive group of women–there were few in my younger days, your hopes ride the emotional roller coaster each month. I am much older now with two grown, adopted sons that God gave us as the answer to our prayers for children.
I would just caution those who are getting pregnant to be sensitive to those who are still fighting the battle or who have hit bottom. While you are rejoicing, please continue to weep for your sisters as they continue to struggle. God has a plan for each of us. Be an encourager. Be the one who gives them hope that no matter how God works out His plan, they will one day be filled with joy!
Blessings to you all,
Janis
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your wisdom, Janis!
We went through a miscarriage and then what felt like endless months of TTC before getting pregnant. During that time I found an online group of women going through the same thing, and one by one we became pregnant. One thing you may not realize is that pregnancy after a miscarriage is not like a normal pregnancy. For many women, it’s filled with constant fear of loss and anxiety. Women who have struggled with miscarriages or infertility, who then find themselves expecting, still need support and positive thoughts. Just another perspective. Thanks!