Each week I interview someone who has experienced infertility firsthand. This week I’m interviewing Candace from Our Misconception. Candace and her husband have been through 6 failed IVFs (the last one was documented for national TV) and are currently pregnant through a surrogate! I was so moved by their willingness to share their personal story with the world and I’m thrilled to feature her here today.
Q. Tell us a little about yourself.
5.1’ on a good day, I’m a Taurus and I like long walks on the beach. I kid, I kid. I love my husband (hus-friend); we do everything together. I love my family and friends. Most of all I love my wine. What? You have to get through IF the journey some how, right?
Q. How long did you try to conceive and what issues were you facing?
We started trying to conceive nearly 7 years ago. I had thin lining and Chris did not have a full swim team of swimmers but we could still make some damn fine embryos. We would even be able to show off to our embryologists and grow 5-day blastocysts every time without losing any along the way. For the about 4 of those 7 years we were in the very frustrating “unexplained” category until they discovered complex hyperplasia after a hysteroscopy I received. The RE would remove it and it would promptly return like an unpaid bill. I was then referred to an OBGYN oncologist where we would give me a “bandaid” treatment to give me one last Hail Mary shot at IVF before he would strongly advocate for me to get a hysterectomy. That final IVF was my 6th one and the one we closed the door on our prospects of IVF on national television. There was so much riding on that last one. Funny how things happen for a reason.
Q. You faced other health hurdles as a couple in addition to infertility. Did that change how you approached infertility?
Yes, yes and unfortunately, yes. Chris and I are no strangers to being the financiers of the entire healthcare profession. Less than two years into our marriage, hardly out of the newlywed stage, we found out Chris had a brain tumor. We named it (the tumor) ‘Phil’ and started our journey to do some serious tumor fighting. This was a genuinely terrifying time in our lives because my I watched my husband fight for his life and there was nothing I could do but watch.
There is this one moment I will ALWAYS remember. Some say on their wedding day time stood still or at certain life events their brain captured a moment that would never be erased. Mine was after his first of two craniotomies. He was in the ICU and literally fresh out of surgery. The neurosurgeon grabbed me and rushed me down to see him. I did not know what to expect. The surgery was high-risk and we went into it knowing there could be loss of deficits, functionality, memory and the most I feared, life. So I prayed. I prayed every second until the doctor walked me into the room and that’s when time stood still. Chris opened his eyes and reached out his hand. He couldn’t talk and he could hardly move but just that one small gesture reaching for my hand assured me that he had his memory. He knew who I was. It is a small thing but I knew then it would all be ok. So fast forward a few surgeries and long recoveries, Phil the pesky tumor was gone.
It did change how we approached infertility. The brain tumor was the catalyst because it made us realized life is short, and that tomorrow is a gift. We wanted a family together. That instantly made creating one become first priority. It also helped us navigate the medical system better too. We learned quickly that if you do not advocate for yourself no one will. Doctors are not infallible. They can overlook things. They in fact, are human. So we always questioned, asked for change and learned every step of the way. We also took with us that laughter and positivity will get you through any life circumstance. That was and will always be our approach.
Q. Can you share a little about your experience being on MTV’s True Life? What kind of reactions did you receive after it aired?
So they found us unsuspectingly. The casting producer stumbled across our blog, loved a picture that we were in of our “Ugly Christmas Sweater” party ensemble and the rest was history. They were great people too. They genuinely cared about our story and did a TON of research on infertility. They also cried with us. The moment we came out of the bathroom and laid on the bed both cameramen were wiping back tears. I asked them later what the hardest show they have ever filmed was, and hands down both said this show, this topic. It was different for them. They typically capture people putting themselves in bad situations or are still growing up and battling adolescent issues. We were the good people that bad stuff happened to and all they could do was capture it through the lens of their camera without interference.
After the showed aired it was insane. We did not expect to get reactions we received from so many strangers! The most shocking were from our friends and family. Before, we would tell them what we were going through. We wrote about what we were going through but at this moment they saw it. They witnessed the highest of the highs on camera and then watched us plummet into the all too familiar BFN valley. At that point they understood that infertility was disease and not just something that a bit of relaxation could solve. Jenna and I got a little flack for saying “implantation” versus transfer but that was to help a general audience understand. I also was asked the infamous “ why don’t we just adopt”. Many did not realize that about 20 hours off footage was taken of us going full bore into the adoption process. I am glad we exposed ourselves because it help bring awareness and that was the only reason we agreed to do the show.
Q. How did you take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your treatments?
I did everything. EVERYTHING. Yoga, meditation, pray, eat like a hippie, eat like a caveman, gluten, no gluten, warming foods, herbs, acupuncture, uterine massage, foot soaking, pray some more, pineapple core, no alcohol, fertility diets, flat shoes, bed rest, weird candles, trinkets and juju, and throw in more praying.
At the end of the day, the best and only thing that really and truly worked was keeping hope and humor throughout all of it.
Q. What advice would you give to someone dealing with multiple IVF failures?
Learn something every time. Change your protocol and approach. It is not always the law of statistics. In the words of Albert Einstein, Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Yes, we did 6 rounds of IVF before we threw in the towel, but every single time we tried a different approach and protocol. We researched and ask for different tests. We advocated for ourselves.
Q. What’s been the most challenging part and the best part of your surrogacy experience?
NO CONTROL. I have someone carrying my baby 1 city, 10 miles, 20 minutes away from me. I have to trust that she is eating right. I have to trust that she is not lifting heavy objects and taking jello shots at the local bar. It is silly right? Our gestational carrier is great! She has carried many healthy babies and has been a surrogate before, but yet I worry. There lies the problem. I am, we are, the biggest challenge in the surrogacy.
Q. What would you say to someone who is considering going the surrogate route?
Surrogacy is not impossible. We fundraised and saved the majority of the surrogacy ourselves so it can be done. Once you do start to embark on that journey, communication is the biggest part. Always communicate and talk about every situation as uncomfortable as they may be. Once everyone understands expectations and is on the same page it is a very happy party of 3.5.
Q. Anything else you’d like to share with my readers?
Hope and persistence. If a door closes in your face, kick down another one. With a little humor and hope in your heart, the path the parenthood may not be how you envisioned it but you will have the family you are destined for.
Many thanks to Candace for sharing her story here today. Please leave a comment below to let her know you appreciate her and be sure to stop by her blog. Also, please consider pinning this image so other people can find and read her story.
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