Each week I interview someone who has experienced infertility firsthand. Marlo Schalesky is an award-winning author of Empty Womb, Aching Heart, a book about her infertility experience and several Christian fiction novels. Marlo lives in the same town where I grew up. Although we’ve never met, I’ve been vaguely aware of her story for years through mutual acquaintances and grapevine stories. When I began my own infertility journey, I found out more about her story and I’m honored to share it with you here today.
Q. Tell us a little about yourself.
My life and journey through infertility has been a crazy one! After 20 years on the infertility journey and six miscarriages along the way, I now live with my husband, six young children, eight horses, six cats, two parakeets, one rabbit, one rat, and two fish in a log home in Salinas, California.
When I’m not cleaning critter cages, scooping horse poop, doing outreach events, or folding laundry, I love writing books, sipping Starbucks white mochas, reading the New Testament in Greek, and talking about finding the wonder of God in everyday life.
Speaking of books, I’m the award winning author of nine of them, including the upcoming Wrestling With Wonder: A Transformational Journey Through the Life of Mary (Zondervan, Sept 2014), as well as my book on infertility, Empty Womb, Aching Heart. Some of my novels include RITA finalist Shades of Morning, the Christy Award winning Beyond the Night, and ACFW Book of the Year winner, Veil of Fire.
I’ve also had over 800 articles published in various Christian magazines, including Focus on the Family, Today’s Christian Woman, In Touch, Marriage Partnership, and Decision. I have contributed to Dr. Dobson’s Night Light Devotional for Couples, Tyndale’s Book of Devotions for Kids #3, Midday Connection’s Tending the Soul, and Discipleship Journal’s 101 Small Group Ideas. I’m a speaker (I love to speak at women’s retreats and conferences) and a regular columnist for David C. Cook’s Power for Living.
I’m also a California native, a small business owner, and a graduate of Stanford University (with a B.S. in Chemistry!). I’ve earned my Masters in Theology, with an emphasis in Biblical Studies, from Fuller Theological Seminary.
But mostly what I’ve been thinking about lately is how I want to do things with God, little things, big things … everything. I want to want every day hand in hand with him like a little girl with her daddy.
Q. How long did you try to conceive and what issues were you facing?
We tried for 10 years before getting pregnant with our first daughter (surgery, IUI), and then continued with another 10 years (20 total) on the journey through infertility (with multiple failed IUIs, IVFs, FETs, etc). We were facing many different issues including endometriosis, ovarian cysts, one deformed (and later removed) fallopian tube, misshapen sperm, and unknown factors as well. Ugh.
Q. You experienced multiple miscarriages and IVF failures. How did you get through this?
Not as well as I would have liked! I spent many hours crying my eyes out while playing solitaire at my computer. But a few things that helped was that we had a treatment plan before we started the IVF’s. We decided we would try 3 fresh cycles and then as many frozen cycles as would be possible to give every single embryo a chance to develop and born in the safest way possible. So, with each failure we knew what was next and where the end of treatment would be so we could just mourn instead of having to mourn and also make further treatment decisions at the same time.
Spiritually, though, there was one thing that helped me so much and that was turning toward God in my anger, grief, sorrow, frustration, doubt, and pain. There were so many times when I (spiritually speaking) beat on his chest and cried out all kinds of accusations and shouted all kinds of doubts (“How can you say you love me?!!?” was one of my favorites) and God had no problem with that. He met me with compassion and transformation, not with scorn or shame. And it was through that bleak honesty with God that I feel he was able to transform me through my journey … so that all that pain, all that struggle, all those doubts and fears and hurts weren’t in vain. God brought me through it all and changed me, healed me of things more destructive than even infertility (like gauging the truth of His love by my measure of happiness).
Q. What advice would you give to women who have experienced multiple losses and treatment failures like you did?
I would say to keep turning toward God. Don’t be afraid to pour all your doubts and fears and frustration and hurt onto him. He can handle it. Don’t turn away from Him in anger. Just keep coming to him in all the brokenness. Remember that the goal of your journey is not a baby but to draw closer and deeper into the heart of God, and be changed there. Nothing is wasted by God. He knows your journey; He loves you; You are not abandoned or cast aside.
Q. What led you to write a book about your experience with infertility?
When my husband Bryan and I first started down the road of infertility and infertility treatments, we found a lot of information on the more intellectual side of the journey – on medical interventions, ethical issues, possible causes and tests. But those weren’t the issues I was dealing with every day. There were no pamphlets or books telling me how to cope with the monthly cycle of hope and disappointment that was tearing me apart, or what to do when I walked down the toilet paper aisle at the grocery store and cried when I saw the diapers, or when I opened the paper and saw an increase in teen pregnancies and abortions and cried out “It’s not fair!”
It was only when I met others struggling through infertility that I found they dealt with the same issues I was struggling with, and some even invaluable insights that helped me so much in my own journey.
And that’s why I wrote Empty Womb, Aching Heart – to share the stories, wisdom, and insight of Christian men and women who have traveled the road of infertility and found hope and deeper relationship with God in the midst of it. I wanted to share the stories that helped me.
Q. You’ve also written several fiction books. Does your experience with infertility affect your fiction writing?
Yes! One of my books, If Tomorrow Never Comes, is about a couple’s journey through infertility (and so much more!). It’s one of my “love stories with a twist!” (a supernatural twist). But all of my novels explore topics that have come out of my infertility journey (facing fear, leaving behind regret, finding God’s love in dark places, finding hope in the storms of life) and have at their core a journey into wonder … despite difficulty, hardship, and and a life that isn’t turning out as the characters planned. The things that God has taught me through my struggles come out through my characters and stories in what I hope is a fun, creative, and engaging way!
Q. In addition to being a writer, you speak at women’s events and writing conferences. What’s the one thing you try to convey about your story when you speak?
I try to convey that it is in our darkest moments, our driest deserts, the most painful and difficult parts of our journey, the places that God seems most absent, that He is doing His most intimate work in our hearts and souls. I want to tell women that hope isn’t found in dreams-come-true (whether it be the hoped-for baby, a dream job, a desired relationship), but true hope is found in transformation — that nothing, absolutely nothing in our journey is wasted by God. But He uses everything to help us become who He’s dreamed us to be. We are God’s masterpiece; He delights in us, and will stop at nothing to make us beautiful. That is hope!
Q. You were ultimately blessed with six children! What surprised you most about motherhood after infertility?
My mother-in-law says that mothering is the hardest job you’ll ever love. And she’s right! The chaos of the days, the struggles with discipline, the questions, the challenges, the temper tantrums, and yes, even the laundry, are much harder than I anticipated. But the wonder of seeing my children grow and mature, discover new things, and learn to love one another and love God far outweighs the sacrifices.
Also, my children are such a beautiful reminder of God’s goodness and grace. I find as they discover God, I rediscover Him along with them. When their eyes are opened to who He is, what He’s done and His love for them, I see God in new and deeper ways, too. So, they’ve added a deeper level of insight into the wonder of our loving God. I love seeing Him anew through their eyes!
Q. Is there anything else you’d like to share with my readers?
I hope those reading this will pick up my newest book, Wrestling With Wonder, when it releases in the fall. In it, the full story of my infertility journey is told and integrated into Mary’s journey with Jesus, from the first time the angel appeared to her to beyond the empty tomb. I think readers will find this book both very encouraging and also transformational. For those who feel like life has gone awry, who are struggling, hurting, confused about a life where their dreams aren’t coming true … this book is for you!
Readers can keep up to date on my books by subscribing to my newsletter (see the front page, right hand column of my website) and/or following me on Facebook or Twitter, where we talk about finding the wonder of God in everyday life.
For more help and resources for your own infertility journey, please see my nonfiction page.
Many thanks to Marlo for sharing her story with us. Please leave a comment below to let her know you appreciate her, and consider pinning this image so others can find her story.
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