Each week I interview someone who has experienced infertility firsthand. This week I chatted with Becky from Love Everyday Life. She shared her experience with PCOS, a miscarriage, and her participation in RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day and Walk of Hope.
Q. Tell us a little about yourself.
My name is Becky – I live in Northern Virginia with my husband Ben who I’ve known since first grade. (Don’t worry, we haven’t been married *quite* that long). I’m an avid reader and knitter, and love love love handmade – although if you made me choose between Etsy and Target I might cry. I firmly believe restorative yoga and a sassy shade of nail polish can do wonders to improving a mood, and I’m a big fan of finding joy in life’s everyday moments.
Q. How long have you been TTC and what issues are you facing?
We have been trying to expand our family for four years. I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) which is one of the leading causes of infertility. I’ve charted my basil body temperature, I’ve tried cutting out gluten and processed sugar, I’ve taken pills, and I’ve given myself shots. We have done two Intrauterine Inseminations (IUI); the first one did not work, the second one did, but resulted in a pregnancy loss at nine weeks. Right now we’ve taken a step back and are working through grieving the loss of our daughter.
Q. You’re a miscarriage survivor. What advice would you give to someone who is facing miscarriage?
Hmm. The only “advice” (and I’m hesitant to even call it that), I have is it’s different for everyone. I can share what I went through, but that doesn’t mean you will experience anything like that. It’s so easy to compare your story to others, but that’s also the fastest way to start doubting yourself, your partner, and everything you’ve gone through. This is your journey. If it hasn’t been as bad as you expected, own it. If it’s the worst thing you’ve ever experienced, own it. Don’t listen to people who tell you how you’re supposed to feel – the only one who gets to decide that is you.
Grief is not a linear process. You sometimes take two steps forward and then three steps back. Since we lost our daughter there have been times when I’ve felt happy and like myself again, only to encounter an unexpected trigger and find myself in the parking lot of Target, sobbing in my car. The feelings might be horrible, but let yourself feel them, because otherwise they’ll come back magnified at the worst possible time.
Q. Which books, quotes, websites, verses, movies, songs, etc. have been an encouragement to you during your journey?
Okay, so I was an English major, which means finding quotes and meaningful things in writing is one of my favorite things. I’ll try to only give you a few!
Books: Carry on, Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton, Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed, and An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken.
The one by Elizabeth McCracken I’d highly recommend for anyone who has experienced a loss, but the other two I think everyone on the planet should read. The writing is raw and vulnerable and even when it’s not about infertility, it’s relatable.
From Carry On, Warrior: “Love is not warm and fuzzy or sweet and sticky. Real love is tough as nails. It’s having your heart ripped out, putting it back together, and the next day, offering it back to the same world that just tore it up.”
From Tiny Beautiful Things: “You will never stop loving your daughter. You will never forget her. You will always know her name. But she will always be dead. Nobody can intervene and make that right and nobody will. Nobody can take it back with silence or push it away with words. Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal. Therapists and friends and other people who live on Planet My Baby Died can help you along the way, but the healing – the genuine healing, the actual real deal down-on-your-knees-in-the-mud change – is entirely and absolutely up to you.”
Other quotes I’ve clung to:
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord. Plans for your welfare, not for woe.” – Jeremiah 29:11
Q. What made you decide to blog about your journey?
Infertility can easily take over your life. While Ben and I have tried to live as normally as we can, infertility, and what we’re doing to fight it, has become such a big part of our lives, it felt weird not talking about it. I appreciate writers who are authentic and vulnerable, and that’s what I try to do in my writing. It’s cathartic for me, but I also hope it’s helping someone else not feel so alone.
One of the reasons I have chosen to be so open is directly credited with the amazing readers and commenters of my blog. They have created this wonderful community where it’s safe to share feelings (good, bad, or in between), and they are the most fabulous cheerleaders! I’m very grateful for their continued support.
Q. How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?
Experiencing a loss has completely re-defined self care for me. I just let myself do what feels right. It sounds silly, but there were times when I felt like I “should” be feeling this or that, and I made myself shove those thoughts out the door. Writing and talking it out have always done wonders for me. I saw a therapist a few times who specializes in infertility and loss, and that was one of the best things I could have done.
I’ve learned how to be kind to my body. For a long time I blamed my body for not doing what it was supposed to do – it’s strange to feel so disconnected from yourself. I never realized a miscarriage was such a physical experience. I had a d&c, and for weeks afterwards I was monitoring my temperature, experiencing cramping, and going in for blood draws to make sure my hormone levels were declining. Slowly but surely, I’ve had to re-build that trust with my body.
I’ve also let myself lean on others. I’ve always been really self-sufficient, but when I had to rest or didn’t have energy, I found myself texting friends who had offered help and asking them to bring food, or could they do this or that. We were met with an abundance of love (and food!) and we are so grateful to have an incredible group of friends and family.
Q. Have you been able to find a “silver lining” in your infertility?
If I were going to identify a silver lining it would be that I know now what I’m capable of. I know I can let my voice be heard about this disease that affects so many. I know I can give myself shots, and when I play fun music (i.e. Pat Benatar’s “Hit Me with your Best Shot,”) I laugh instead of cry while I’m administering it. I know I’m able to find humor in a lot of things, some of which are probably inappropriate but having that trait has served me well.
Becky and her husband, Ben
Q. You recently participated in Advocacy Day. Tell us a little about your experience.
I am such a huge fan of RESOLVE – the National Non-Profit for Infertility. I didn’t really find out about them until the end of last year/beginning of this year, and it was when I was searching for…something. I needed to do something, to find a way to channel my feelings and feel like I could take back control. I found Advocacy Day, and signed up immediately. I had a couple of freak-out moments beforehand and I was definitely nervous that morning but it was incredible!
RESOLVE makes appointments for you with the offices of your Congressional Representatives and you go to Capitol Hill to meet with them to discuss current infertility legislation. We spoke about the Adoption Tax Credit Refundability Act, the Family Act, and the Womens,’ Veterans, and other Healthcare Improvements Act.
I think what surprised me the most was the response in those meetings. The Virginia delegation was one of the biggest groups there, and in every meeting that day I felt that we were heard, and acknowledged – I didn’t feel like anyone brushed us off. I was exhausted at the end of the day, but I felt so empowered.
I also recently participated in RESOLVE’s D.C. Walk of Hope. I formed a team, raised money, and was blown away by the number of people who were walking that day. It’s only a mile walk, but it was so uplifting and again, empowering to see all the people infertility has affected, and all the people there supporting them.
Q. Anything else you’d like to tell my readers?
Find what works for you. There are a lot of options out there – find what’s right for you and don’t worry about what others are doing.
If you’re supporting someone dealing with infertility, just listen. It’s natural to want to fix it, but the best thing you can do is offer a shoulder to cry on and a safe place for them to talk. (If I had a nickel for every time I heard, “I’m sure it’ll happen if you just relax,” I could pay for a dozen fertility procedures).
Last but definitely not least – infertility does not just affect women. I so appreciated friends who would ask how I was doing and then say, “how is Ben?” I think the only thing worse than dealing with infertility and grieving is watching the person you love the most in the world go through it as well.
Many thanks to Becky for sharing her story with us. Please leave a comment below to let her know you appreciate her and be sure to stop by her blog. Also, please consider pinning this image so other people can find her story.
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