Each week I interview someone who has experienced infertility firsthand. This week I’m interviewing Justine from Ever Upward. I think you’ll appreciate her unique combination of professional and firsthand experience. Enjoy!
Q. Tell us a little about yourself.
I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator-Candidate (based on the research of Brené Brown) with a private practice in St. Louis, Missouri. For the last 14 years I’ve worked with clients using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Solution Focused Therapy in a straight-forward and non-shaming approach to create a safe space for clients to address concerns. I have extensive experience working with all ages on such concerns as anxiety, depression, relationships, infertility, addictions, eating and weight issues and common discontent.
In addition to my private practice, I am an adjunct faculty member at Saint Louis Community College, where I teach General Psychology. Additionally, I write as an expert therapist for the monthly publication St. Louis Health & Wellness Magazine. I also can be seen regularly on the St. Louis KMOV live midday show, Great Day St. Louis.
Q. How long did you TTC and what issues were you facing?
In high school I had to have two back surgeries, which included a year in a body cast. Due to these limitations of my body we pursued gestational surrogacy. Also, due to my back history it was recommended that we only do mini-IVF as my bone graft fusion is my last vertebrae, so the stimulation and developing follicles sit right at the fusion. Both rounds it was fine balance of keeping me from overstimulating and we never had great numbers. The first round we had two embryos to transfer. We had planned only one round, both emotionally and financially. But then you get that phone call that neither embryo implanted, you lose those two babies and it stops your world. With our broken hearts we knew we had to try another round. The second round was terrible with side effects for both myself and our surrogate and the numbers were worse- we only got one embryo. Two weeks later we received the crushing call that our last chance also didn’t take. I also have no doubt that my egg health is not great, as I was misdiagnosed for almost two years from the ages of 11-13, which meant a lot of unshielded xrays, MRIs, etc.
Q. What would you tell someone who is considering gestational surrogacy?
Go with your gut and just jump into the difficult questions. I knew right away when it wasn’t a good fit or I just wasn’t feeling the connection with a particular woman. I also think the situation itself it set up to foster you trusting your instinct because you must ask all the difficult questions (How many embryos are you comfortable transferring? Beliefs in selective reduction? Bed rest compensation? Etc, etc, etc??).
Q. How did being a professional counselor affect your own grief process during infertility?
I experience grief just the same as everyone else. But it is also so difficult for us to practice what we preach a lot of the time. I definitely hit my own rock bottom when we had to make the impossible decision to put down our first fur baby just a few months after our IVF journey ended, without the hoped result of course. Losing Maddie was the culminating rock-bottom I needed to reach out for my own help and seek out a new therapist myself.
Q. I love what you say about your blog: “…it is a blog about us all fighting for the redefinition of ourselves after struggle, loss, trauma and tragedy.” What would you say to someone who feels like they have lost their definition of self from infertility?
I think this is the biggest risk of infertility right now. Our shamed silence keeps us alone and therefore losing ourselves completely. First, I had to get back to the basics of my self care, getting my food, exercise, and sleep completely back on track. I worked with my therapist through the acceptance of our childfree life and continuing to grieve the losses of infertility. I re-engaged completely in my relationships, marriage included. And, I found writing. Really, I simply fought. Through all of this I I found a better me; I found my light again.
Q. People are often hesitant to seek out professional counseling during infertility due to cost or fear. What would you tell them?
Therapy is an investment in ourselves. If finances are a major concern definitely check with your insurance provider to see what coverage would be or contact bigger facilities that may be capable of offering sliding scales. We can feel the fear and still choose ourselves. Having someone who is trained in empathy and may even have been through a similar experience, like myself, to just be able to say I get it or to validate how hard things are for us holds so much power. We don’t have to do this alone or with only our doctors and our partner as our only support.
Q. Can you recommend any good books to readers who are struggling?
When I was on the trenches of treatment and towards the end, I found Silent Sorority and I’m Taking My Eggs and Going Home somewhat helpful. And of course, I’m going to recommend Ever Upward, my forthcoming book to be published by the end of this year. 😉
Q. Anything else you’d like to tell my readers?
Whether or not you are at the beginning, going through it, or recovering after infertility treatments, trust that owning your story is the way through it and back to you. No matter the outcome, we all can redefine, find and make our own ever upward.
Many thanks to Justine for sharing her story. Please leave a comment below to let her know you appreciate her, and please consider pinning this image so other people can find her story.
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