Each week I interview someone who has experienced infertility firsthand. This week I’m interviewing Chirleen from A Harvest Reaped. She talks about her infertility and stillbirth experiences, I’m so grateful for her vulnerability and bravery. A note to readers: Her story includes a stillbirth and she has included a picture of her son after he passed (it is not graphic). Please be aware if you are not in a place where you can read this.
Q. Tell us a little about yourself.
My name is Chirleen, I’m 33 and married my very best friend, Chris, in October of 2007. We own an almost 100 year old home near the coast of North Carolina and enjoy outdoor activities like fishing and camping. Chris is a surveyor and I am a technical writer for a company contracting with the US Coast Guard.
Q. How long did you try to conceive and what issues were you facing?
Technically, I have been trying to conceive since 2000 when I was previously married to my ex. I wasn’t diagnosed until 2006 but I knew early on that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). The symptoms clearly pointed to it but many doctors weren’t familiar with the disease and there wasn’t a lot of information on it yet. I was having very irregular cycles (sometimes 6-8 months in between) and after countless negative home pregnancy tests, I became convinced that I would never have a child.
Chris and I became pregnant while we were still dating but at 7 weeks, just 2 weeks after getting the positive test, I miscarried. We were heartbroken and felt completely hopeless. Eventually I started ovulation induction treatments; I took Clomid for several cycles, Femara for several more cycles, I used Ovidrel (the “trigger shot” to the stomach), and progesterone. Nothing worked. I was seeing an Endocrinologist over an hour away from home for well over a year with nothing to show for it. And then in late 2011, our first cycle off the meds, I became pregnant.
Q. You ultimately became pregnant but endured the stillbirth of your son, Caleb. How did you survive this?
I survived because the alternative was death. I mean, I had no choice. I had to survive for my husband and our families. But I’ll be honest with you, it wasn’t easy. There were days and weeks when I was afraid I might not. But Chris was always there to hold my hand, our families were always there to encourage us, and our faith was always there to protect us. We prayed a lot.
Q. What advice would you give to someone coping with a stillbirth?
Don’t give up. It may seem like the end of the world but I promise you, it is not. Life will never be the same, no matter what anybody says, you will forever be affected by the loss of your sweet baby. Normal no longer exists. But your new normal will… eventually. It will take time. Allow yourself to grieve slowly and passionately. Don’t let anyone tell you to get over it, to move on, or to forget about it. You will evolve into an entirely new version of yourself. You’ll find beauty in things you once overlooked. Embrace your grief and use it to your advantage. And don’t get too mad when others say stupid stuff!
Q. Why did you decide to blog about your journey?
It’s therapeutic. And I wanted a place where others would realize that they are not alone in their journey.
Q. How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?
I have to admit, the first year after Caleb’s birth and death, I did not take very good care of myself physically. I was emotionally and physically drained. But I fostered my faith and medicated my emotions. Yes, medication can be a VERY good thing! And prayer. Prayer has been an enormous factor in my healing.
Q. What led you to pursue adoption?
My husband had always been researching adoption. I was more apprehensive. I had huge fears about it. I was afraid we’d have a failed adoption, or that we were too broke to even try, or that I wouldn’t love an adopted child like my own. But when we were made aware of Gabrielle, all of those fears were swept away and we trusted God to guide us. And we dove in head first.
Q. What would you tell someone who is considering adoption?
Do not give up. Believe in yourself and follow your heart. And do your research!!! Be prepared for a mountain of paperwork, be prepared to have to wait, and be prepared for the most beautiful, incredible life you ever dreamed of. It will be worth it all in the end.
Q. Anything else you’d like to tell my readers?
I’m honored to have the opportunity to share our story with you all. While we have experienced one of the most difficult, heart-wrenching things ever, Caleb’s death placed our hearts in a place at the exact moment it would need to be there, so that we were open to welcoming Gabrielle into our lives. I would never trade one child for the other but I know that God’s plan is so much bigger than us. It’s so much bigger than our dreams. I want to share something that my sister shared with me. I keep it posted next to my monitors at work.
“Persist” by Ralph Marston
The only way to fail is to give up. Whatever comes, whatever happens, keep going.
Fix your eyes on the goal and persist. Your vision, your commitment, and your actions will take you there.
When you can make big strides, make them. When you can only take small steps, take them.
See every moment as the opportunity that it is.
When the wind is at your back, keep going and when the wind is blowing against you, keep going.
Make good and effective use of whatever you encounter. Tap into that positive value that is always there.
Know precisely where you wish to go and why. Keep going and you are there.
Many thanks to Chirleen for sharing her story with us. Please leave a comment below to let her know you appreciate her, and consider pinning this image so other people can read her story. You can see all my other interviews here.
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