Each week I interview someone who has experienced infertility firsthand. This week I’m interviewing Kristin from Infertile Job. Kristin has been through years of failed infertility treatments and other major medical issues, and she’s now in the process of adoption. I really appreciated her candor and I know you will, too.
Q. Tell us a little about yourself.
I’m pretty crazy. Wait… Did I say that out loud? By pretty crazy I mean, pretty awesome and crazy about my husband!
Q. How long did you TTC and what issues were you facing?
This question is so complicated. I have had a difficult time finding a loving, upstanding man, which is why I am twice divorced. I married my current husband Sept. 12, 2009.
My first husband and I tried to get pregnant starting in early 2001. After many BFN’s, I had my GP refer me to a RE over in Seattle. She loosely diagnosed me with endometriosis with all the endometriomas she saw on the vaginal ultrasound. After my first laparoscopy, she told me I had stage IV endometriosis. I started a horrible cycle of a laparoscopy, followed by 2 months of trying to “naturally” get pregnant, followed by either an IUI or IVF cycle, followed by a BFN, followed by another ultrasound which showed that the endometriosis has grown back. And repeat that process from 2001- 2007. In all, I had 11 laparoscopies, 4 IUI’s, and 3 IVF’s, and not a single positive pregnancy test in all those years. In April 2007, I had a total abdominal hysterectomy (TAH) at the suggestion of my GYN in Houston. From 2001-2007, I saw four different RE, and they all pretty much had the same thing to say: “Endometriosis was my enemy.”
Q. In addition to infertility, you’ve faced several other major health struggles. How did this affect your outlook on infertility?
I should have had stock in Virginia Mason Medical Center in Seattle. Over the course of three years, I had one catheter ablation (which went horribly wrong), one pacemaker implantation, three pacemaker revision surgeries, and two laparoscopies. I knew what food to not order from the cafeteria; I knew the good nurses in different departments, and I really gained a voice to advocate for my own body. Since 2001, I have had many surgeries: eleven laparoscopies, one catheter ablation, two pacemaker implantations, four pacemaker revisions, three colonoscopies, one TAH with bladder repair and bowel/ colon excision, one tonsillectomy, one septoplasty, one emergency surgery to stop bleeding down in my throat after the tonsillectomy and my first transfusion, two knee surgeries, one carotid repair in my neck after my carotid artery was severed trying to establish a central line and my second transfusion, one medically induced coma, and a partridge in a pear tree.
I had to start searching for a silver lining with everything. It was the only way I didn’t lose myself in a “Woe is me” mindset. When I had my first pacemaker implanted in 2003, I promptly named my pacemaker, “Sparky”. I would refer to “Sparky” as a part of me. I got stares when I was in the waiting room at the cardiologist, from the much older patients, like I was invading “their turf”. It’s pretty comical to have a staring contest with an 80 year old in the waiting room. My favorite is when I’m told that I’m “too young” to have a pacemaker or be in menopause. Costco has a fabulous refrigerated room in their warehouse where they keep some fruits and vegetables, and I got to know the employees really well when I visited on a daily basis just to get some relief from my insufferable hot flashes. I had my routine: walk in and get a cold drink from the concessions, say hi to my fave peeps on the way back, grab a good book off the book table, and find a half empty pallet to sit down on in my refrigerated room. I stayed in long enough to finish my drink and a few chapters. I would return the book to the book table on the way out and pick up the same book the next day to continue my reading. Silver lining= finding a way to cope with what life throws at you, when you’re already down. Or using my Costco membership to the best of my abilities. If I were really lucky, it would be a day with a lot of samples, so I didn’t have to worry about lunch.
The one thing I am grateful to my IF for is that I am no longer ashamed of my broken body, and I can talk to others about endometriosis, infertility, and surviving after a hysterectomy.
Q. Before your hysterectomy, you had multiple failed IVF cycles. What advice would you give someone who has also experienced multiple failed cycles?
Take a deep breath. Find an infertility support group. Have a difficult talk with your significant other about when to say that enough is enough, or else you will find yourself in so much debt that it literally strangles you. If you set a limit before you start, you will be on the same page when that stopping point comes. IVF doesn’t always work. So what is your next plan? Have a next plan. Don’t watch year after year go by and have regret. Change what you are doing. Insanity is doing the same thing time and again and having the same result. There are different protocols to try. Talk them all out.
I know that without a shadow of a doubt that I did everything possible to try and have a family, but my body had different plans. Take a break when you need a break. Be honest with your SO about how you are feeling.
Q. Which books, quotes, websites, verses, movies, songs, etc. have been an encouragement to you during your journey?
The serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage the change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” To this day, that prayer is on the backside of the visor in my car. It is a reminder that I only have control over so much, and that I have to turn that over to God. Only he knows what is in store for me.
At Advocacy Day in D.C., I met some of the most amazing IF friends, who were a big encourager to me. I started blogging about infertility, endometriosis and how to survive it. Those ladies send love and support via Twitter.
Q. Do you and your spouse cope with infertility in the same way or do you handle it differently?
My first husband worked his way through infertility. He was a go-getter, so flipping houses worked great for him. It also helped with the bills that weren’t covered by our insurance, which was all of them. Since my first laparoscopy had a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, the insurance kicked it back for being infertility related. So, 11 laparoscopies that were all out of pocket got to be expensive. Taking the profit on the flipped houses paid for those bills. He wasn’t one to talk about infertility, or medical problems, which was the demise of our marriage.
My second husband listened to me, held me when I cried ugly tears, and encouraged me to try again. Of course, he had a mistress on the side that I didn’t know about, so it was easier for him. By the time I married Dan, I was 2 years post hysterectomy. He has always been supportive and understanding. It did take awhile to get him onboard for adopting, but since then we have weathered the wait together sharing tears, waiting for the phone to ring and planning for the future.
Q. How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?
My favorite “treat” after my hysterectomy was Blue Bell Cookies & Cream Ice Cream. I could eat a bowl every few hours because my hot flashes were out of control. I started working out after my second divorce like there was fire under my ass. I lost all the ice cream weight and then some. Of course, I have since rekindled my love for Blue Bell since grocery stores in Virginia started carrying it.
I have been to therapy for years. Making the decision to have a hysterectomy was a difficult one, but with my therapist really laying it out for me, I came to a place of peace and acceptance, so I could go ahead with it. I was angry with my body for failing me for many years, and I mourned the loss of closing that door to a biological family. (Enter the Blue Bell)
Support groups have been a Godsend to me. I first happened across a Resolve infertility group when I was living in Washington State and to this day, I am still in a support group. I co-lead an adoption support group here in Hampton Roads.
Q. What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?
After my hysterectomy I went into a deep depression. I cried everyday for no reason at all. I was miserable and very angry with my body. My kick in the pants was divorcing my second husband, and needing the find the will to survive that. So I started working out like crazy, and got out of the house every single day.
Q. Have you been able to find a “silver lining” in your infertility?
No more horrifically painful 20-day periods! No kidding here. I could go through a Costco size box of super plus tampons in 6-7 days. My membership there has been well used ten-fold between the huge-ass boxes of tampons and pads I could get there, and the awesome refrigerated room in the back. I puffy heart love Costco!
Q. You’re currently going through the adoption process. What has been the most surprising thing about that process so far?
Do I have to pick one thing? The wait for a phone call will challenge your reserve in so many different ways than infertility treatments. It is a rollercoaster for sure, but in a different way. I know this is now the ONLY way for me to be a Mom. Regardless of circumstance, I have to have a level patience that I never knew existed.
The total lack of support from my family surprised me. I literally didn’t know how to react to them at first. Now after two years of waiting, I made a horribly difficult decision to not have them in our life at all. And it is something I am totally at peace about.
Q. Anything else you’d like to tell my readers?
I’ve been at my wits end plenty of times. I have literally died on the table and been brought back to life. I have been through so much crap that at times, it is overwhelming. God has a plan for me. God has a child for me, but everything is on his time, not mine. Stay busy while you are on the infertility or adoption rollercoaster or you will lose your mind. Reach out and find support. Advocate for yourself to your doctors. You know your body best. Advocate for infertility, endometriosis and adoption. You will be rewarded ten-fold just in the other advocates that you will meet on your journey. Infertility is a silent disease, but in talking about it, you knock down those barriers. Don’t give up.
Many thanks to Kristin for sharing her infertility story with us. Please leave her a comment below and let her know you appreciate her. If you liked this interview, you can see all my previous interviews here.
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