Note: I know that some people don’t like the term “infertiles.” I’ve gone back and forth about it myself. But I’ve decided that for me it’s just a descriptor, an adjective. Also, I use it for brevity’s sake. It’s just easier to say “infertiles” instead of “people suffering from infertility.” By no means do I mean to offend anyone by using this term. For an excellent article on the debate, check out Creating a Family’s recent post.
I keep the pictures of the embryos from our failed IVF cycle.
My clinic gives us pictures of the embryos right before they’re transferred. We’ve had two fresh cycles and one frozen cycle which produced a total of 6 embryos. We could debate for days about whether those embryos were “babies” or alive, but at the very least, they had potential for life. And so far, they’re the closest thing to baby pictures we might ever have- especially the photo from the cycle where we had a chemical pregnancy. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to throw them away.
Envy is a daily struggle.
Keeping the envy at bay is one of the hardest aspects of infertility. The longer you deal with infertility, the more you find to be envious about:
- I’m envious of people who had kids without infertility treatments.
- I’m envious of people who had treatments but whose insurance paid for it.
- I’m envious of people who had treatments and could easily afford to pay for it themselves.
- I’m envious of people who had IVF work on the first try.
- I’m envious of people who had IVF work on the second try.
- Etc, etc, etc…
It takes a lot of emotional and spiritual work to keep yourself from getting bitter with envy. Some days I’m more successful than others.
I’ve overcompensated for my infertility by spoiling my pet.
I’m aware of it. I admit it. I don’t care.
We got our cat right before we started our first IVF cycle, and that little ball of fur and affection has brought us so much joy. We have more pictures and videos of the cat than we do of each other. The other day I was in the bathroom with the door shut so my husband thought I wouldn’t hear him in the other room whispering to the cat, “You are such a beautiful cat. I love you. Yes, I do.” I laughed and teased my husband about it, but the truth is that I do the same thing.
My infertility radar is always on.
I recently stood in the craft store checkout line behind a set of identical ‘tween girls and their father. He appeared to be in his mid-50s. (They called him “Dad,” so I knew he wasn’t their grandfather or another older relative). I immediately wondered if the girls were IVF babies and how many tries it took. This happens almost every time I see a set of multiples or parents of young children who are closer to their 50s than their 30s.
Can you relate with any of these “infertility confessions?” Do you have any to add? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
Image via Canva.com
We got our first dog in Febrary of 2009 a year later we started trying. Our 2 best couple friends got pregnant 2 years ago and then last year (after they had their babies) we got another dog. If they have any more kids we’re gonna keep getting more dogs. :$ Our dogs are definitely our temporary babies. I can’t think of any more confessions to add. But I definitely agree with you. 🙂
I am the exact same whenever I see multiples. It’s so funny to realize the mind of an infertile operates on the same level as other fellow infertiles.
And I don’t mind the term infertile. There is a sense of unity in it. A special bond unlike anything else. When I meet another one, I know I am understood and cared for. 🙂
Keeping photos of your embryos is totally normal… I would definitely hold onto those. What’s probably slightly more questionable is keeping the ultrasound photo from the transfer. We didn’t get photos of our embryos, but I still have both ultrasound photos of the little blip of light. I don’t think I’ll ever throw those away.
Oh yes, I have the ultrasound photos of the blip of light, too. If that’s as far as you got then I think it’s completely normal to keep those, too!
Where to start?
-Sometimes I am having a great day & I see a “perfect” little family having fun & it makes me want to cry.
-I am actively involved in my best friends pregnancy, but haven’t told DH she is pregnant yet. She got lmarried in July. I am exactly between ecstacy & aunguish. DH will be crushed.
-I secretly hope /wish I was taller, much thinner & prettier so that I could have the tiny satisfaction of being the envy of a few moms for once. Being depressed about infertility has added a good 15-20 pounds to my frame. (ewww)
I have a running list if bitchy retorts that I don’t use. For the ever present questions we all hate.
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I have a running list of retorts, too! I don’t think I’ll ever be gutsy enough to use them, but I like being able to at least say them in my head.
All so true, my embryo pictures will always be some of my most treasured items. They are all I have of the never to be’s. Thank you for this post, it was spot on! Justine
Thanks, Justine!
I’ve not done IVF so can’t relate to that bit. I can imagine I would probably keep the embryo photos though. I defnitely relate to the envy and to having an infertility radar too! As far as the term “infertilie” goes, I think we all have to use what we’re comofortable with. It’s definitely a shorter way of saying it. I’m not at all offended by it, if you feel ok with that. For myself though, I prefer to say that I’m going through infertility. That’s because I think that we can be fertilie in other ways and so I don’t like to describe myself as “infertile” I don’t consider it to be part of my identity. I’m not saying that you do, just explaining my logic of why I say it that way.
I definitely agree that we are fertile in other ways. Infertility doesn’t define us at all. I just basically use the term for brevity’s sake. Thanks for sharing how you feel about it.
I swear sometimes I think you have a direct link to my brain. That or its proof positive that us “infertiles” have more in common than we realize. I saw myself in each of your “concessions”. Your posts are always incredible and I look forward to reading each one of them!
Aw, thank you for such kind words, Brittny!
I haven’t been through IVF yet, but every confession is relatable and such a great example of why this journey is so hard. We are constantly in the trenches. Whether we’re cycling or taking a break, the “infertile” mind is always present and interprets everything for us, good or bad.
Great post Lisa. Honest and true. I not only have my embryo Picts but a box of syringes I can’t seem to let go of. I totally relate. And even though my donated embryo has worked there is envy of people who didn’t struggle etc etc. Always something. You do a beautiful job at channeling your feelings and being so positive. It’s remarkable.
Thank you, Maya! Funny, I have a box of syringes, too. I’m not holding onto them on purpose, though. I just never took them back to the RE’s office after our last cycle and I don’t want to go to his office unless I have to!
I’ve kept photos of my embryos from each transfer. And I have a pair of memory boxes from the miscarriages, because I just needed somewhere to put the embryo photos, the ultrasound photos (from the first one) and other stuff. I didn’t want to throw it out, but I also didn’t want to come across it in a desk drawer or something unexpectedly.
My confession: I destroyed a beautiful board-book copy of “Good Night Moon” I bought right before my first miscarriage. I was surprised by it in my closet when I wasn’t in a space to deal with it (I was looking for a sweatshirt) a month or so after the miscarriage happened and found myself so angry and upset that before I knew it, I was sobbing and started pulling it apart because at that moment all I could think was “the baby I bought this for doesn’t exist anymore”. Not one of my prouder moments.
Thanks for sharing your list with all of us. Definitely makes me feel less alone in some of this stuff…
I sadly don’t think my envy will ever go away. I’ve had so many friends get pregnant lately that only had to try for a few months (if that) to get pregnant, and it always causes a twang of guilt and envy within me. I’m always happen for them, but also deep down I question why it was so easy for them. Why some couples don’t have to work to have a baby but rather have it come to them just so easily. Hopefully one day this envy will subside, but it’s not looking like it any time soon.
It’s so hard! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this right now. Hugs.
ICLW – I still have all my positive pregnancy tests in my bedside table drawer. It’s gross, but those are little bits of memory that I can’t get rid of. It seems perfectly normal to me that you keep pictures of your embryos.
I confess that I will always feel like an infertile. I know I am one of the lucky ones, but sitting in baby class this morning with my little guy and hearing other moms say “you are never the same person once you have kids” and “my friends without kids don’t understand” I wanted to hurt someone. Infertility taught me that I will always be me regardless of the kids I have or don’t have, and nothing has changed that.
I confess that I will never lose the fear, anger, or jealousy of being an infertile. But I will also never lose the strength. Infertility makes great moms.
1. I have every medication; stims, Estrace, PIO, Provera, etc., syringe, needle, red sharps container (filled to the top from all my cycles), I even have Lupron & Follistim in the fridge, basically everything from all 5 of my failed cycles in a drawer in my kitchen since June 2010!
2. I am not only filled with envy, I’m straight up bitter! Every pregnancy announcement, baby ultrasound photo, monthly tummy growth pics, gender reveal party, baby shower & of course every baby I see!
3. I have 3 cats, they’re in charge at our house. Enough said.
4. I don’t have fertility radar as much as I have pregnancy radar. I can tell who’s pregnant from a mile away. I know who is about to announce it, why someone is calling me, why they are avoiding me, & even if they are just thinking they’re pregnant because they’re late… I CAN SENSE IT!
5. Infertility has changed me! I’ll never be the same person I was before. It’s not all bad, it’s not all good.
Good – I’ve learned what REALLY important in life, my marriage has changed, it brought us much closer, and because of that we don’t sweat the small things, we don’t argue or have disagreements over superficial things, we have grown from this and become better people individually and a better couple. I’ve met the most amazing & supportive people in the IF community, and for this I’m thankful! I get to educate others and bring awareness to a disease that needs more effective advocacy efforts.
Bad – I’ve learned who my real friends are, & unfortunately lost a few. I don’t socialize, I avoid family/friends parties because I know they all have babies. We’ll probably be in debt for the rest of our life because of this. I will be a better parent when that day ever comes! I will be thankful to have one healthy baby, but I always wanted a big family.
This may sound stupid and gross but sometimes when I have gas and my tummy is a bit bloated, I pretend I’m pregnant and the gas bubbles are baby kicks. 🙁 I’ve been trying for 2 years and I’m praying for a baby soon before I start trying IVF…
I am 38 years old, and I know that I will never have a child. When I was married to my first husband, we tried, until I was told by a doctor at 25 that I couldn’t have kids. I am remarried (my husband has had two vasectomies), and after 12 years of (diagnosed) infertility- it hasn’t gotten any easier. I am a step mother (which has done very little to change the pain of infertility)- and as I read your article, I found NONE of those things to be out of place. If I could have afforded IVF, I probably would have saved those pictures too. I have nothing to show for my TTC- just a failed marriage, and a dead dream. I am glad to see that you struggle with the bitterness (Not glad I should say, just glad that I’m not the only one!), and would love if you wrote on that. That is my biggest area of struggle. Being the only woman I know who can’t have children as made it much harder for me to contain the bitterness, especially when dealing with an absentee bio-mom.
I am the SAME way about my dogs. 🙂 People like to tease me, but I adore my puppies and use them to forget my sadness of infertility. And besides that, I can totally relate to ALL of these. Such a good blog post.
Thanks, Breanne! Pets are definitely a gift and make it so much easier to get through the sadness of infertility. Best wishes to you.