Each week I interview someone who has experienced infertility firsthand. This week I’m excited to introduce you to Richard. He blogs about his journey at RemagineIt. I really admire his vulnerability in this interview, and I think you’ll appreciate it, too.
Q. Tell us a little about yourself.
I’m a 30 year old web developer who has been trying to build a family for 4 years. I consider myself an average guy in almost every single way, except when it comes to life experiences. I feel like I’ve gone through 40 years worth of life events within just 4.
Q. What kind of fertility challenges have you faced?
My wife and I were trying to conceive for about 5 months before I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. I went to seek preservation options for my sperm in case I needed chemotherapy after the surgery to remove the cancerous testicle. It was then that I found out I have Azoospermia, meaning 0 sperm, which is most likely due to the testicular cancer (since all the other tests were negative for any other causes). I tried for over a year to do everything I could to get sperm to return since I was told there was a 2-3% chance it could happen, all the while we were saving up funds for IVF (our best chance at conception in case my sperm did return) and coming to terms with a donor as a backup in case I didn’t have any. Along with IVF, I would have another surgery on my remaining testicle to see if they could find sperm directly within it. We did our best to overcome cancer, finances, feelings about donor sperm, changing lifestyle to assist sperm production and surgery, just for a chance to start a family and all within about a 1 year period.
Q. In addition to cancer and infertility, you’ve experienced the stillbirth of twin boys conceived via donor sperm IVF. How did you and your wife make it through this unbelievably difficult time?
I sometimes don’t even know how we made it through. It was like jumping from one sinking ship to another, we just had to keep ourselves afloat and held onto the little things as best we could. I’d wake up every morning thinking that I can’t go on without her and she probably can’t go on without me. Our love for one another kept us going, so we focused on each other as best we could to get through the days, weeks, and months as they passed. We went through all the stages of grief and went to support groups to help cope with the loss. Although we dealt with it differently, we acknowledged that it affected us both the same.
Q. What would you say to other people who are grieving stillbirths or infant loss?
Just like any other grief, there are stages. Anger and depression is the beginning. Every little thing is a reminder of what “should’ve been”. That anger eventually fades and turns into a soft recurring sadness. Every little thing is a reminder of your loss, of your baby. We then crave those thoughts and memories because it’s the only way to remember them, no matter how sad it is. It feels like it’s the only way to keep them alive in our minds because we don’t want to neglect nor forget them. Those memories are proof and validation that they existed, even though it might not seem like it for other people. It also changes you forever. You become a new person and although there’s this sadness that never quite goes away, you value and treasure life because you now know how quickly things can change.
Q. The overwhelming majority of infertility blogs are written by women. What made you decide to blog about your experience?
Writing had become therapeutic for me. I didn’t have the initial intention of creating a blog, but I had written down all my life events and feelings about them. I stopped going to support groups and writing became my support. I created the site and at first I honestly was hoping to connect with someone or some people who had been through the same experiences of cancer, infertility, and stillbirth, all within a short amount of time and around the same age as myself. Although I never found that person because everyone has completely different experiences and situations, I found so much support through my site and social media. More than I could’ve ever imagined, and more than some support groups I attended. They inspired me and lifted my spirits, and in turn, found that people were inspired by my story. Those things kept me going. And after realizing I was one of the very few men actually blogging and by participating in NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) through Resolve and CIAW (Canadian Infertility Awareness Week), those also pushed me even more to advocate for male infertility and for men to speak up and talk about their fertility. That it’s OK to have all these feelings about infertility and the impact it has on our lives.
Q. What advice would you give to other men or other couples with male factor infertility?
First, there are plenty of things you can do to increase sperm count and quality (if you have any). Second, seek support; whether it be a local group, an online discussion forum, or reading someone’s blog. They may not seem like the best fit at first, but you take from it what you need to help you along your journey. In the end, I suggest trying different avenues to help cope with it and continue doing the one(s) that really work for you.
Q. What do you think needs to happen in order for men to feel more comfortable speaking out about infertility?
Awareness. After the NIAW and CIAW, I found that there was such a lack of coverage for male infertility even though it accounts for about 40% of the issues couple face when dealing with infertility and trying to conceive. Since then, I’ve been doing all I can to help others find support and connecting with one another. If one guy can share his thoughts and feelings, it can help others to do the same.
Q. You’re the father to a baby girl born in March. She has Down Syndrome and a severe heart defect. How have your previous challenges shaped the way you are responding to this new one?
Cautious optimism and living in the moment. We now know that life can throw some pretty difficult curveballs. We try to be optimistic about everything but also keep our feet grounded in reality. We also try to live in the moment and enjoy everything as it comes because we know that anything can happen in an instant and we don’t want to take her or anything in life for granted.
Q. Anything else you’d like to tell my readers?
I highly recommend writing your story. Even if you’ve never written before and even if you never share it with anyone but yourself, writing down all the hardships you’ve been through can really help you reflect on the things that have happened in your life and maybe even give you a new perspective. If you decide to then share your story with others, it can truly be an inspiration for some.
Many thanks to Richard for sharing his story. Please leave him a comment below to let him know you appreciate him.
Connect with me on {Facebook} | {Pinterest} | {Twitter}| {Instagram}
