Today’s post is a guest post from Jen Noonan. She challenges those of us experiencing primary infertility to consider people suffering from secondary infertility.
Secondary infertility is defined on the RESOLVE website as “the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications.”
This definition assumes that people struggling to have a second child did not have any problem conceiving a first.
What if you had difficulty conceiving the first, and are running into the same challenge trying for a second? Does this fit the definition of primary infertility?
I don’t think it really matters. What DOES matter is that we are all in pain– regardless of primary or secondary infertility status, or those of us who don’t have a child at all. We’re hurting, and we need all of the support we can get, without the judgments.
If you ask anyone experiencing secondary infertility, or someone who already has a child, if they are grateful to have their child, the overwhelming and obvious response would be, “Of course!” There’s no denying how thankful they are to have that one child, and they would not want to trade places with someone who did not have a child. However, their desire to have another child does not disappear just because they have been blessed with the first.
People experiencing secondary infertility are constantly in situations that remind them of their desire for another child, like…
- Children’s birthday parties
- Places where children are such as the zoo, parks, museums, and play groups
- When they take their child to preschool, where they might be the only mom without a second child
- Baby showers for a second baby
- When they receive baby / sibling announcements and holiday cards in the mail
- When people ask when they will have a second child
- As they watch their child grow older and older, with the spacing between children farther and farther apart
- When their child asks when he or she will get a sibling
- When they can’t seek support because they are either too consumed with taking care of their child, or they feel guilty for already having a child.
- When they reach out for support on RESOLVE, only to get criticized because they should just be grateful they have one.
Think about the first time you thought about having children. Did you dream of having only one child? Possibly two? Maybe even three?
Then fast forward to when you found your current partner. Did the number of children you desired change? I’m going to guess that on average, most people wish to complete their family with two children.
Feeling angry or irritated with those experiencing secondary infertility is completely normal. However, I would encourage you to put yourself in their shoes for a moment, and taking a step back from believing that you know their whole story. Everyone could use a bit of support from the real pain they are feeling. If you’ve always supported everyone regardless of status, fantastic! You’re ahead of the game!
Jen Noonan lives in Colorado with her 3 year old son and husband. She has experienced a 12-week miscarriage, 3 failed IUI’s, 2 chemical pregnancies, and a failed frozen embryo transfer. Jen is in the process of writing an infertility memoir that will be published some time in 2015.
If you’d like to submit a guest post, please check out my Guest Posting Guidelines.
Thankful for this post – so many don’t even know what secondary infertility is. One of the girls in our Moms in the Making group dealt with secondary infertility (thankfully she has a healthy 2nd baby now), but it was just as hard for her as it was for any of us!
Hi Jen,
Thanks for writing about this important topic. My husband and I have been trying for number one for more than six years. I was part of an online group for those experiencing infertility for many years, and many of those in the group were experiencing secondary infertility. I think that pain is pain and agree that we don’t need to compare. I can imagine that if I managed to have a baby and still had problems to conceive a second, then I would find that hard. Thank you for acknowledging the normality of feeling frustrated with those experiencing secondary infertility though. That’s not how I usually feel, but sometimes it can hit me, I guess particularly with larger families. It’s like when people get pregnant, I don’t want to have some of the thoughts that I do but pretending that they’re not there doesn’t just make them go away. However, as you say, stepping back and considering their situation is what really helps. It also helps to remember that we’re not in a competition and it’s not like there are only a certain number of babies to go around. Those of us within the infertility community need to support each other and not start attacking, or withdrawing from, the very women who understand so many of our issues. It’s good to listen to people’s different experiences and learn what it’s like for them.
Secondary infertility is what I’m dealing with currently. A lot of people don’t understand it, and don’t care to. Great article.
Thank you so much for sharing this… This past week especially has been a hard one for me as we are waiting for a second pregnancy. It’s been such a roller-coaster throughout this year of “trying”. The time for my AF to return is nearing and I dread to experience another failed cycle.
I thank God every day for our precious baby boy. I feel so thankful, yet I feel guilty for wanting another child so desperately. Sometimes I’m mad at myself for being selfish and not being content with what God has given my husband and I. Some weeks are fine and then others I’m just down – it’s so hard to explain to my family. I blame the roller-coaster on hormones because I can’t even understand myself some days!
My dream is to have a large family, like 3 to 5 kids! But ultimately, it’s all in God’s hands. I really appreciate this post and being able to read about other women’s experience with infertility/secondary infertility.
I think secondary infertility is such an interesting and difficult topic. For one, the definitions of infertility are so arbitrary. 6 months over 35 and 12 months under 35, but it says nothing about the number of cycles. And what if you’re 34 and you’ve tried for 6-7 months, you go to the re and he says wait a year, but then you come back, still not pregnant after a year, but now you’re 35 and all of a sudden everyone is FREAKING OUT about advanced maternal age and birth defects and other stuff. The definition draws a line in the sand and we all know that infertility is not so cut and dry.
Secondly, I think secondary infertility is hard for those of us with primary infertility because for many, we would be over the moon to have just one child. We once hoped for more, but after years and years and years of infertility, one seems like winning the lottery. So it can be hard to empathize with women who have what we so desperately want. I think the thing to remember is that all of infertility is hard because of expectations. Primary is hard because you don’t expect it, and your arms ache, and your house is silent and nothing is going as planned. Secondary is hard because you’re often blindsided. If you have a child, even if it took a while the first time, you assume you’ll be able to do it again… when you can’t, your expectations are unmet and your world spins out of control. The thing we all have in common is unmet expectations.
I agree with Amanda. I’ve said for the last 2 years that I will be ever so thankful and beyond blessed to have one child. There is absolutely no guarantee that I would ever carry to term, and I could even miscarry as late as the 8th month. Because my husband and I could not stand another loss like the miscarriages I’ve already had, we’ve decided to adopt. However, adoption is so expensive and stressful (much the same as fertility treatment), that we will only be able to adopt one time. We will only have one child (unless God blesses us with a birth mother who is having twins), and we have to live with that even though we would love more. So, while I know every one dealing with infertility has hurt and heartache, I still have to say I would be ever so grateful to have just that one child.
Fantastic post! An old post but a good one. I am always amazed by the comments people think are appropriate when this topic comes up. “We’re all in pain” I couldn’t have said this better. Thank you for sharing!