Today’s post is a guest post from Jen Noonan. She challenges those of us experiencing primary infertility to consider people suffering from secondary infertility.
Secondary infertility is defined on the RESOLVE website as “the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications.”
This definition assumes that people struggling to have a second child did not have any problem conceiving a first.
What if you had difficulty conceiving the first, and are running into the same challenge trying for a second? Does this fit the definition of primary infertility?
I don’t think it really matters. What DOES matter is that we are all in pain– regardless of primary or secondary infertility status, or those of us who don’t have a child at all. We’re hurting, and we need all of the support we can get, without the judgments.
If you ask anyone experiencing secondary infertility, or someone who already has a child, if they are grateful to have their child, the overwhelming and obvious response would be, “Of course!” There’s no denying how thankful they are to have that one child, and they would not want to trade places with someone who did not have a child. However, their desire to have another child does not disappear just because they have been blessed with the first.
People experiencing secondary infertility are constantly in situations that remind them of their desire for another child, like…
- Children’s birthday parties
- Places where children are such as the zoo, parks, museums, and play groups
- When they take their child to preschool, where they might be the only mom without a second child
- Baby showers for a second baby
- When they receive baby / sibling announcements and holiday cards in the mail
- When people ask when they will have a second child
- As they watch their child grow older and older, with the spacing between children farther and farther apart
- When their child asks when he or she will get a sibling
- When they can’t seek support because they are either too consumed with taking care of their child, or they feel guilty for already having a child.
- When they reach out for support on RESOLVE, only to get criticized because they should just be grateful they have one.
Think about the first time you thought about having children. Did you dream of having only one child? Possibly two? Maybe even three?
Then fast forward to when you found your current partner. Did the number of children you desired change? I’m going to guess that on average, most people wish to complete their family with two children.
Feeling angry or irritated with those experiencing secondary infertility is completely normal. However, I would encourage you to put yourself in their shoes for a moment, and taking a step back from believing that you know their whole story. Everyone could use a bit of support from the real pain they are feeling. If you’ve always supported everyone regardless of status, fantastic! You’re ahead of the game!
Jen Noonan lives in Colorado with her 3 year old son and husband. She has experienced a 12-week miscarriage, 3 failed IUI’s, 2 chemical pregnancies, and a failed frozen embryo transfer. Jen is in the process of writing an infertility memoir that will be published some time in 2015.
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