Recently a good friend posted a photo of her newborn on social media. I was really struggling with my infertility that day, and seeing the post sent me into a downward spiral. I resolved not to post photos like that if I’m lucky enough to have a child one day.
But after the hard feelings dissipated a bit, I realized I’d never keep that promise. I’ve already posted photos of all six of the embryos we’ve transferred over the course of our treatments. Had any of them resulted in births, I’d be guilty of sharing my child’s life on the internet from conception!
Also, my husband’s family lives locally, but the majority of my extended family lives on the other side of the country. Sharing photos, videos, and anecdotes of my future children will be one of the only ways my family will be able to feel like they are involved on a regular basis.
So, I began to think about alternative ways of sharing about my future child on social media. I want to do it in a way that respects any friends I may have who are also dealing with infertility or loss, and in a way that protects the privacy of my child.
Please note that I’m not judging you if you post pictures of your child on social media. I’m just not entirely comfortable with it for myself, and I wanted to explore some other ideas.
Here are two ideas I came up with:
Create a closed group on Facebook
Pros
- You can add only the people you approve. For example, I can let my family members join the group, but not the slightly creepy guy I haven’t seen since high school.
- Most people are already on Facebook so you don’t have to ask them to create a new account on another platform
Cons
- Facebook has a history of making confusing changes to their privacy settings. Any time you upload photos to a service you don’t own or control, you run the risk of your stuff being shared without your permission or knowledge.
Create a separate, password-protected blog
Pros
- A blog generally allows you to have more control over what happens to your information.
- There are several blog templates and themes that allow you to create gorgeous layouts and photo albums. You could really create a beautiful, digital keepsake.
Cons
- You need to make sure you can trust the people to whom you give the password not to share it with others
- People have to remember the password, and you’ll have to notify everyone if you never have to change it.
- Free blog services may have fewer security features.
- Paid blog services require you to pay a fee. You risk losing all your data if you ever miss the bill or can’t afford it.
Have you given any thought to this? What are some alternative ideas you’ve thought about or seen others use? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!
*image courtesy of Luke Chesser / UnSplash
I’ve thought a lot about this, both with photos/posts about my pregnancy and what to do when my baby is born. For us, we have been really open about our infertility process (my husband actually shared about our infertility and subsequent miscarriage from the pulpit to our 2500 member church… so really open). And I think that has helped me feel as though we have earned the rights to share about our miracle. But I am still really sensitive toward those who are still waiting and never want to be a source of pain. I’m thinking I will still post baby pictures but try not to be over the top about it. And also keep posting about other things, like making sure my dogs aren’t neglected in my photos!
But, I also get sort of sensitive to those who go above and beyond to make things private. I have a friend who had no trouble getting pregnant but she had friends who did, and she didn’t share anything about her pregnancy on Facebook until she was 8 months along, and she has yet to post a baby photo (she has a private flickr account instead). That has always made me feel sort of icky, like you really pity me so much that you don’t think I can handle seeing your baby? Even if that’s true, I don’t want to be thought of that way.
So.. not sure there are any great options. But it’s good to think through 🙂
I think you’re right, Rebecca. There aren’t any perfect options. It’s just good to be aware and intentional about what we post. Thanks for the thoughtful comment!
Yeah, I think the hard part for me is that nothing really made it better. It was always hard, whether a person kept things private or shared them publicly. If they were private about it, I felt pitied. If they over-shared, I felt like my own barrenness was being rubbed in my face. The only things I can say were NOT ok were the complaints, like announcing their pregnancy by complaining about morning sickness. Or the “we are so blessed!” statuses, attributing their fertility to an extra special gift from God. But other than that, I think I lean toward wanting people to be normal and not cater to me, because I hate feeling pitied so much.
So the hard part is that everyone is different, and it is pretty much impossible to know what to do! I guess we just make sure our heart is in the right place as much as possible.
Also, I really really REALLY hope that you will get to share baby photos in the near future, Lisa. Praying for your dreams to come true and your years of waiting to be over.
Thank you so much, Rebecca. Your prayers mean a lot to me.
Those are great ideas… I do not like plastering my kids all over social media all the time either
I used to not post any pics of my kids online. I’ve changed, a lot because of moving far away from family. But I also consider what I post. You can’t google my kids’ names and find their pictures. No embarrassing pictures are posted, no pictures with identifying marks(like the name of their school). It’s just something everyone has to decide on their own.
Absolutely. I agree about being careful about identifying marks. I cringe when I see pics of my friends’ children in front of their school sign or wearing clothes with school names on it.
You must be living in the head of my good friend and I. She struggled with infertility and she would get so upset seeing photos or learning of someone’s pregnancy. I cannot have anymore kids but I am so blessed for our little monster. We decided that my health is more important so we threw in the towel. My son was hard to conceive.
No matter where you turn, there will ALWAYs be people cramming pictures and boasting about pregnancy and their children. That’s just in our nature. Sometimes it does get excessive though. Jerks….kidding.
I find that the blog world is notorious for it.
It is hard to hide from it, isn’t it? Sometimes I think I just need to find a way to deal with it, because I’ll never be able to hide from everything. But then other times I feel really strongly about protecting myself from it. It’s a fine line!
Interesting ideas. I agree with not posting images of your children online. You never know what will happen with them, also when your child is older may not be happy with all this information online.
I send a periodical email to a group of friends with babies and my family to update on Little F’s progress. Some of the families we know do the same.
#sharewithme
Sending out a periodical email to friends is a good idea, Joanna. Thanks for the suggestion!
I do share photos. My family live all over the country and the world too so its an easy way to keep in touch. Plus, of course, I blog and I am a mum too and want to share photos of my babies. But I do understand how it could be upsetting for others and I think private albums (which I regularly update for family only) are a really good idea. Plus if I know there are people on my timeline who find it hard to deal with the photos, I hide them from them, at their request. x x
Thanks for the comment, Susanne. I think it’s really thoughtful and caring of you to hide photos from your friends who request it. 🙂
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions for sure. I am an expat American living in the UK and my hubby’s family are all in ireland. We both are from huge families so social media is the only way to share our kids lives and our adventures together with them all. But I do understand some don’t agree with this. I do try to use nicknames and never where we officially live for security purposes. Great to think outside the box. Millions share their kids online every second I don’t think that will ever change. I am sorry it has upset you on a hard day though that can’t be easy nor can I imagine. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme
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