During our last visit to the RE, we talked about how we seem to have an embryo quality issue, and our RE brought up the idea of a donor cycle. (We’d switch out either the egg or sperm to see if that had any affect on our embryo quality). My husband is 100% okay with this. I am not.
Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying I think donor cycles are morally wrong. I’m just not okay with it for me. I guess I’m “all-or-nothing” when it comes to genetics.
I want my husband’s baby. I’m not interested in the idea of having a child that half-belongs genetically to a stranger. I know that many of you have been able to come to peace with that. I don’t think I can.
My husband says he’s fine either way. He wants us to consider using a donor so that I have the opportunity to experience pregnancy and childbirth, not because he wants a genetic child. At this point, however, any romantic ideas of pregnancy and childbirth have been ruined for me. I’d be thrilled to get pregnant, of course, but I know I’d be plagued by fear the entire time. I know too much now.
If IVF doesn’t work for us, I don’t think I’ll grieve much for the loss of experiencing pregnancy and childbirth. That only lasts 9 months. I think I’ll grieve more for the loss of genetics and the loss of seeing bit of myself and my family in my child.
I’d be interested in hearing from those of you who have done donor cycles. Did you struggle with the idea of losing genetics? How did you move past this?
Hmm… this is all so personal and hard. I think every one has to find what they can live with and be happy with.
For me, the genetic connection has never been that big of a deal. I mean sure, there are some parts that I would miss. Seeing my mom in my child. Finding similarities within the family… the “oh, you have your grandpas eyes, or Aunt Joann’s nose” kind of stuff. But for whatever reason, it’s not THE biggest thing to me. Pregnancy and child birth have always been a bigger deal to me. Interestingly enough, if I do another cycle of IVF, say at CCRM, I’d really be doing it to “beat” infertility… which may or may not be a dumb reason to spend $30k+.
I think you’re going to find that there are lots of people who feel like you. You’ve got to do what works for you and your family. I will add that I think it’s kind of a weird suggestion to try donor sperm just to see if that’s the issue. There are about a million different tests you can run to see if there are any sperm issues such as: Sperm Chromatin Structure Assay, and karyotyping, that could narrow down the issue (if there is one). But once you’ve gotten to IVF with ICSI, pretty much all sperm issues have been removed except for chromosome issues. I guess I’m saying I don’t think you need to try donor sperm just to see if that’s the case, especially if you’re not interested in donor sperm. My doctor gave me a statistic once that embryo quality is really egg quality 80% of the time. The egg is just much more complicated than sperm, so it’s more likely the problem lies there.
I’m right there with you, though. Poor quality embryos is an awful place to be. I’ll be just fine if I never hear the words “failure to thrive” ever again.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment, Amanda. I’m about 80% sure that the issue is my eggs. I don’t have any real reason for that, but just a gut instinct- especially since we’ve had such a high fertilization rate with ICSI.
It’s such a difficult topic, and it’s hard to know what I would decide if truly faced with the issue. But I have trouble with the 50% thing, too. And for some reason, I feel like donor eggs would be easier than donor sperm. I like the idea of embryo adoption; if we had to go the donor route, I think that is what I would choose.
I appreciate reading other couple’s journeys and seeing how different paths just feel right for them. I’m glad the Lord does this for us, providing us with the right gut feelings to guide us along our individual journeys.
Thanks, Rebecca. We are open to embryo adoption. My RE isn’t real keen on them for several reasons, but it’s definitely on our radar. I think we’d probably purse a traditional adoption before an embryo adoption, but we’ll see. We’re just praying for a sense of direction and peace. Hopefully our next IVF works and we don’t have to decide, but we’re thinking ahead- just in case.
I hope it works, too! I’m so hopeful for you that it will.
I think this is a hard topic. I have my opinions, but not sure it’s going to help you, because they are just opinions. I know God will give you both a peace about what to do whether that includes donors or not – He will lead you both down the same path!
Thank you, Caroline. That’s exactly what we’re praying for- peace and a sense of direction.
As someone that is from a sperm donor–there are questions I wish I had answers too. However times are a bit different now. As someone who just got her BFP with DE–I am quite excited. I tried to get all the info I could about my donor–now that I have a HFP and u/s I can ask more questions. She does not have to answer them-but I hope she does. I always wanted to be pregnant at least once, to have that. I have grown up with people around me being adopted, foster care.. . ect. I cans say that I grew up with family being who is there for you. So I had some grieving with it all but overall I took some time. You have to be ok with the idea. If not, it will never feel ok.
April, congrats on your BFP! So exciting! I really appreciate your comment- since you are from a sperm donor. It’s really helpful to have your unique perspective.
My very first thought is “I’d have no issues using donor eggs at all”. But, I look at my son who looks exactly like me and I have to wonder if it’s true. I’m so used to people I’ve know from high school tell me how amazed they are at his likeness to me and my family say “he looks just like Jessica when she was little”. Honestly, it’s been a huge source of pride.
However, I would sacrifice that if it was the only way.
With that being said, it’s an easier decision for me because I already have my mini-me.
So sorry you’re dealing with this, too, Kimberly. And thanks for the kind word about the blog. You’re right that adoption means the kid wouldn’t be genetically ours, either. I guess I just get spooked out by the “half genetically” ours part. All or nothing feels better to me.
As someone currently pregnant with DE, I have to admit that once you grieve the genetics I saw both adoption and DE/DS as similar with various differences.
The deciding factor for me was time, my DH has +10 years on me and I didn’t want to wait any longer to start our family. Adoption can take a few years, plus the year that some of them make you wait after ending IVF treatments. I didn’t want to wait that long. Also international adoptions can have age limits that we were rapidly approaching (35+45=80= limit in India).
Also, the adoption community seems very…angry sometimes. It’s selfish but I didn’t want to deal with it. I know several adopted children who are perfectly happy, but there are a lot of people online who are very angry. The donor children I have read about who are angry seem to be mostly that way due to a no-tell environment.
Those were honestly the deciding factors for me. If someone had walked up and said ‘here’s a baby’, of course I wouldn’t have pursued donor eggs, but without that miracle I couldn’t see living in limbo for more years while we both grew older.
My husband and I haven’t had this recommendation yet, but we have already started the talks about what if we reach this point. I totally understand not wanting it to be only half of one of you. The genetics itself has never really personally bothered me, I think sadly my obsession revolves more around being able to experience pregnancy. We’ve both discussed it though, and I think if we had to go that route we would probably go the donor embryo route. I figure it is like adoption, except I still get to experience pregnancy, which is still currently a driving force for me.
I think it shows how strong and amazing your marriage is though that you guys can sit down and have these talks and come to agreements you both can live with.
There really isn’t a right or wrong way to go about this. It’s whatever is comfortable for each couple.
I was comfortable with the idea of using a sperm donor. While having that genetic connection to a child is important to me, becoming a parent is what is most important. However, our infertility went beyond just me and my wife wasn’t comfortable with using a sperm donor so we passed on going that route.
I will say don’t rule out that your opinion may change. For me at first I thought that if we did sperm donor that we’d wait to disclose to the kid until they were a teen, then a few months later I changed to the idea that we’d tell them early now if we went down that road I would want to use an open donor. Also, I was against adopting and that has since changed.
My advice to you is to wait on making decisions and don’t rule anything out allow yourself to process do your research and make a decision that you and your DH are comfortable with.
Lisa, I just love your blog and how open you are. I have a friend dealing with this issue in a slightly different way…she is a woman with a female partner so a full genetic child isn’t possible for them. Her partner, who has no desire to experience pregnancy or childbirth, has made her peace with the idea of a sperm donor, but my friend is still struggling. She worries about her partner connecting to the baby without that genetic connection. She and I have talked about the connection her partner will have…being around for the pregnancy means the baby will know her voice, she will be there when the baby is born, etc., but as one of your other commenters said with my luck in having had my child and being able to see those resemblances I know I’m in no position to understand what this decision must feel like to you. I know you will find your path…
Keep up your positivity and keep writing!
Thanks, Kris. I really appreciate your kind words.
Here via the round-up. I’m so sorry you’re facing these decisions and I hope your upcoming IVF will bring you the baby you hope for.
I went through many own-egg IVF cycles despite being similarly situated (to you) and told I wasn’t a good candidate for IVF (without DE) due to high FSH. For me, either DE IVF or DS IUI would have been options — my DH has a failed vasectomy reversal — but, although I certainly can’t and don’t defend the emotions on any “principled” grounds, I never got to where I felt comfortable with our using donor gametes.
I see my son now and yes, it matters to me that he is genetically my child and my DH’s child. I can’t defend that, but it’s true, and the moreso I suspect for my DH that all 3 of his children (2 from an earlier marriage) have the same genetic link to him. Yet I also have stepchildren and a stepgrandchild (who is a DS baby with 2 moms) and I don’t love them any less because they’re not genetically related to me, so I don’t know what to make of all that. These are hard decisions, and that much harder (for me) because you are — you hope — making them not only for yourself and your spouse but on behalf of another person who doesn’t even exist yet.
Good luck to you. May you find a path that you are both comfortable with and that brings you the family you seek to grow.
Thanks so much for the well wishes and for sharing a bit of your own story.
Here from Mel’s Friday Blog Roundup. . .
Really a very difficult and personal decision. I am a mother to two sons conceived through the use of donor eggs. I did struggle with the idea of losing genetics, and time and therapy helped me to move past this. . . along with the realization that, at least for me, using donor eggs probably meant the difference between having children and not having them.
Now, nearly three years into parenthood, I can honestly say that I don’t see how I could love genetically-related children more or feel more of a bond with them, but I think it is something that is difficult to wrap your mind around when you’re on the other side of the fence.
I wish you didn’t have to face this decision!
I was born with Turner’s Syndrome, a chromosomal abnormality leaving me with only one X chromosome (technically my specific variant is an isochromosome but I’ll leave out the genetics lecture). Girls with Turner’s Syndrome have no ovarian tissue, just fatty streaks (except in very rare cases). I found out when I was fourteen years old that I would never have genetic children. Then, later, I learned I would not even be allowed to carry a pregnancy due to concerns of aortic dissection. I would need a surrogate.
I have always wanted to be a mama, more than anything else. It didn’t matter how. My husband was willing to pursue a pregnancy with donor eggs but was unwilling to adopt. He found it very important to have a genetic child. For me it was easier to accept either possibility (surrogacy or adoption) because I never had the option of a genetic child and I also had eleven years to accept it by the time I was twenty-five and a bride. My only criterion was that I wanted a newborn. I didn’t want to miss out on that experience.
It took four VERY LONG years and a whole lot of heartbreak along the way, but we finally have our miracle baby. She’s turning one year old later this month. She looks exactly like my husband. Does it bother me occasionally when people say how much she resembles him, and I know she will never resemble me? A little. But my daughter is the absolute light of my life and I would’t trade her for anything, or anyone. And she is my daughter. I couldn’t make her, and I couldn’t bake her. But, please G-d, I have the rest of my life with her. That’s far more important. The baby who calls you “mama” is YOUR baby.
I am happy to answer any questions about our journey. Feel free to email and good luck with whatever you choose!!!
Mim, thanks so much for sharing a bit of your story. I really appreciate the offer to chat and answer questions. Best wishes to you!
hi again; found this post through Stirrup Queens. I’ve found it so interesting to follow other bloggers who went the egg donation route even though we ended up not doing so. DE IVF was our plan B after plan A (IVF with own gametes) so we were vaguely prepared for the possibility although not really. After our failed cycle our fertility doctor basically said “donor egg is your only hope – don’t even waste time on further IVFs.” I wasn’t sure how to feel about that; on one hand it made sense based on the data we had but on the other hand she coordinates the donor egg program so I always wondered if her own agenda influenced her medical opinion. Anyway, after failed IVF only one question really mattered to me: if I was pregnant right now with DE baby, how would I feel? I decided I would feel fantastic, so was fine with going that route. Of course we never did because somehow ended up conceiving naturally. But I still think about what it might have been like if we did do DE IVF. I don’t think I would have had any regrets long term. However it probably would have felt much more complicated as it became more real. Anyway, one end result of that experience is that I find myself (at least so far) mostly indifferent to my fully genetically related daughter’s family resemblances. I go along with it to be a good sport when family members bring it up but I really don’t care. The most important thing is that she is here and she is herself. Anyway, all I can say is learn all the medical facts you can and then go with your gut/heart feeling – no can or should tell you what to do.
Here from Mel’s roundup.
I’m a single mom by choice, and I have two children from the same sperm donor. I conceived my first via IUI with my own eggs. My second is from DE, as it became clear that I was unlikely to conceive again with my own eggs. My oldest son looks just like me, and I frequently hear people say that my youngest looks just like his older brother, and sometimes that my youngest looks more like me than my oldest.
I frequently forget that my youngest is not from my eggs – I had to take him to urgent care over Christmas and answered yes when the doc asked if there was a family history of asthma, as I have asthma. It was that night before I realized that HIS genetic history is without a history of asthma. 🙂 My two sons are so different, and I love them both beyond measure. The love is different, because they are different, but no less for my youngest than for my oldest.
I did struggle with the loss of the genetic connection; perhaps though it was easier since I already have a genetic child, and was prepared to adopt. In the end, I decided I would rather have a pregnancy with a child that was not genetically mine (I read a lot about epigenetics) as I could know he would have a healthy start and be very loved from the second he was conceived, than try to adopt (especially since I imagine it would be very hard for me to adopt as a single woman who already has one child).
I’m sorry you’re at this crossroads. I hope that my words and those of the other commenters helps you come to a decision that is right for you and your husband.
Shannon, thanks so much for sharing your story. I really appreciate your kind words and thoughts.
I am about to embark on a donor egg cycle, but it’s with my sister, so I am not losing as much of the genetic connection as otherwise.
We have been trying for five years, and that includes several miscarriages and failed IVFs, so I have hit the point where it’s clear that it is donor eggs or no children (adoption is monumentally, beyond belief, difficult in the country where I live).
I am pretty sure that I would struggle with the idea of donor eggs, if it wasn’t for the fact it is someone in my family I suspect I wouldnt.
Best wishes with your cycle! I agree that I would probably feel better about a donor cycle if I had a sister, but no such luck! 3 brothers! Hoping things turn out well for you.
Oh, this is indeed a very difficult journey. Best of luck with everything! I can only describe my experience. I was told from the very beginning that DE was my only chance. At the age of 30, I was not ready to accept it. Five failed IUI’s later My only sister agreed to be my donor. At the age of 27 she, too, was diagnosed with POF. It shattered us both. I was ready for an anonymous donor at that point- my husband had always been ok with it. A year later I was pregnant with twins. I cannot explain it- the joy of having them in my life surpasses anything I have ever felt. It does not matter who they resemble, they are mine, my miracles, which I tell them every single day. They are now 8 and it still feels miraculous to have them in my life. Even when my “loving” inlaws tell me how little they resemble me as opposed to how much they look like their dad (we never told them anything about our struggles anyway), it does not bother me one bit. They are our children. That is how I see it. I would never change anything I went through to have them, and I feel blessed every single day.
Thanks so much for sharing a bit of your story, Dee. I really appreciate it!
This is a rather old post, so I’m not sure where you are with your journey. I will say that 2 years ago we made the difficult decision to use a DE. We have a genetic child through IVF, but we wanted another child. My age made it more difficult to achieve that goal, having gone through a miscarriage and two failed IVFs. We realized the DE was probably the only realistic option.
There was, as would be expected, a huge grieving of the loss of genetics. But, I will say that it was the best decision that we could have made for us. I read a lot about epigenetics. 95% of the DNA of humans is identical. So much of the way a child’s genes manifest themselves are due to the mother’s womb — more so that sometimes even the DNA. Not that it matters, but a lot of people say how my daughter looks just like me. I smile and say thank you. But that’s not why I love her.
She’s mine in every way possible. She is two now. I am her mom in every way that matters to her. She is beginning to pick up my mannerisms. She loves me unconditionally. And, I couldn’t love her any more than I do.
It was a difficult decision and a difficult struggle. It is not issue. Now that I’m “on the other side” of this issue, I can say that it was worth all the heart ache and pain. I am a total peace with our decision.
I wish you strength through this process. It is a difficult journey. You will make the decision that is best for you and your family. May you also find peace in your ultimate decision.