Last week I asked the following question in my newsletter and on my Facebook page: “Besides a BFP, what are your goals for the upcoming year in regards to your fertility?”
I received several responses and they all centered around one theme: being content during infertility no matter the outcome.
Can I be honest? This is really hard for me.
Like you, I’ve spent so much time and money, and shed so many tears that it’s hard not to see infertility as my thing. You know, THE thing that would make everything better if it turned out how we want it.
When I really stop and think about it, I know in my head that it’s a lie to believe I’d finally be content if only I could have a baby. When I really pause and reflect, I know that life will probably get harder if I have a baby. I have to actively work at avoiding the temptation to romanticize parenthood. Of course, I’d be ecstatic, but I know deep down that having a baby will not bring me that elusive, long-lasting contentedness.
As a Christian, I believe that only Christ can fill that void in my life. The hard part is figuring out how that becomes reality in my every day life. How do I become so aware of Him that it permeates my soul and my psyche and becomes my reality-check when I’m tempted to idolize pregnancy?
Here are three things I’m working on in order to do just that:
1. Immersing myself in Scripture. I’m not going to lie and say I read the Bible every day. Oh, it’s on my to-do list every day, but I struggle with actually getting it done. My goal this year is to be more consistent in my daily quiet time. I just finished the Bible study book I’ve been working through. Does anyone have any suggestions for my next devotional / study? I like workbooks.
2. Learning from others. One of the few downsides of running this blog is that it cuts into my reading time. I used to read a book or two a week, but lately I’ve been getting through only a book or two a month. My goal this year is to cut back on time-wastes like TV surfing and mindless Facebook-ing and spend more time learning from people who are a little further along in their journey of faith to contentedness despite circumstances. I’ve got several books on my list, but two I highly recommend are Ever Upward by Justine Froelker (I interviewed her a few months ago) and Resurrection Year: Turning Broken Dreams Into New Beginnings by Sheridan Voysey (check out his podcasts on my Podcast Page).
3. Adjusting my perspective. This is perhaps the hardest one of all because it requires mental discipline that I don’t always feel I have. For me, it requires getting out of the house and out of my “mope mode” during treatments or after a failed treatment. A literal change of the view helps me tremendously.
What about you? What are you thoughts on being content no matter the circumstances? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
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I’m so, so guilty of romanticizing parenthood… and I’m really good at it. Like somehow I make dirty diapers and slobber and vomit and all that stuff seem like daisies and unicorns in my head. I’m also guilty of never being content… it’s the type A, only child syndrome (though I’m not an only child, but I was raised as one). I constantly think things can be better than they are. It’s next to impossible for me to just be content with the way things are. Great post!
Right? It’s like I think my baby’s poop will smell like roses or something! HA. I like what my friend Lindsay said above: it’s all about expectation.
Romanticizing parenthood…that’s exactly what I think I do as well. I think most of us do because we want to be a parent so very badly. Of course the reality is it’s not easy, it is hard work but I have no doubt it’s worth it 🙂 I also need to work on being content exactly where God has me at this moment.
Yes, sometimes I remind myself that I’m right on schedule according to God’s timeline. It’s so hard to remember that.
Wow. So much to say. Don’t know where to start.
You are amazing and I love you. This is so huge – and so hard. Having struggled through infertility for years and coming out of it with an adorable little boy, I don’t know exactly how I feel all the time, but your strategies here are spot on what I should have done (and should continue to do).
The romanticizing parenthood thing is so big. I’ve let it rob me of a lot of joy – first, the joy of having my life to myself to pursue things I love, like dressage, and give my full attention to my husband and my job, which I love (teaching); now, I let it rob me of the joy of Huck’s babyhood (PPD doesn’t help, nor does the weird survivor’s guilt I’m still wrestling with).
I’ve been trying to write about it and failing, but contentment seems to come down to expectation. I’m only disappointed when I expect things to be different than they are – sometimes understandably, sometimes with the brattiness of a five year old. Working on that.
Lindsay, you are brilliant and that’s why I love you, too. The expectation thing is huge, and it’s something I need to remember now and in the future. Your story is one that gives me tremendous hope. Maybe one day you’d like to share it here on the blog…? Hint hint 😉
I’d happily share. 🙂
This is definitely something I struggle with. It’s a constant comparison of my life to others and why they get a baby and I don’t. It’s so unfair, and in some cases so unjust, I can’t even begin to understand it or to find a reason why infertility happens to good people. I’m trying to focus on gratitude and making an effort to express gratitude and thank God for everything I do have in life.
I think gratitude is a great place to start, Jessica. Hugs.
A struggle for sure. For me (for us) we try to keep life as normal and routine as possible every day, even during treatments. We pray, go on dates, try to keep our baby talking/stressing/dreaming to a minimum, watch tv together, eat dinner every night at home, and try to keep our marriage strong and healthy. This predictability and routine may seem boring to some, but it has saved me and brought me immense comfort. When a treatment fails, we are of course devestated, but because i know exactly what i’m going to do that night, things feel better. Our life did not change. This reminds me there is a plan, and each day is important.
That’s such a good way to look at routine and predictability! I’d never thought about that before, but that’s a really good perspective.
I love this list, and thank you so much for including Ever Upward! That means so much to me! The support and the exposure are so needed. We would like to offer you a coupon code to your readers, I dropped you an email, Chad is getting it set up hopefully tonight. Much love you my friend, Justine
Thanks, Justine! You’re awesome!
New to your page. Can’t wait to read more. I’m writing my first blog post on the subject and it’s really difficult for me to stay upbeat/positive. It’s nice to see I’m not alone… 35, coming on nearly two years of trying… I’m on round three of clomid then most likely will check out IUI. Bookmarking your page and look forward to reading more. All the best. One day at a time. -MLNF
So glad you found the blog helpful. You are definitely not alone! I hope this Clomid round works out for you. If not, you have plenty of support here. Best wishes to you!
Thanks so much, Lisa!
P.S. I’d love to read your blog post when you publish it. Please let me know when it’s live!
Hi Lisa! As promised. What started as a blog post morphed into something I felt I could pitch to a wider audience. And with luck an editor at the Guardian picked it up. Here’s what went live this morning: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jan/13/having-a-baby-ready-easy-wrong-infertility
Hey Lisa.. thank you so much for stopping by my coming alive corner– and sharing your story about your singleness and now your journey of waiting for a precious baby. What a hard longing to hold hope in yet be content in the waiting. I am going to be praying over you and your family. Ps: shameless plug but you mentioned needing a devotional to do. I have one on amazon in either e-book form or print form called 31 days to coming alive. It’s a daily devotional designed to connect your heart to christ through story, humor, and the word. Each section has heart work at the end of the days reading. ok.. shameless self plug over!
Thanks so much for the prayers, Jenn. I really appreciate it!
I can’t imagine how hard it is for you and what you have been through, are going through. I know that my best friend felt the same for over eight years of it. She always told me she just tried to focus on little other things like date nights, keeping her marriage strong, going on adult adventures, cherishing her relationships with friends, hubby, parents etc, finding a hobby to keep her mind off the things that weren’t going as easy for her as it was for those around her. I hope 2015 is an easier year for you! Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me. #sharewithme
You’ve shared some strategies for contentment regardless of fertility or infertility.
Such powerful reminders here.
Thanks for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop)!
Wishing you a lovely evening.
xoxo
Happy I found this link-up Lisa! Your site is so inspiring and a great resource for women faced with infertility. Keep up the great work!
Beautiful thoughts today for women experiencing infertility but more importantly to teach all of us ways to be content with our current circumstances. These ideas will work for me and I am thankful you linked up with The Weekend Brew this weekend.
This post was really helpful for me today. My word of the year is “content” and I’m having a hard year so far. Thank you for giving me some tools to see clearer, and so thankful you shared at The Weekend Brew!
hannahsprayer.org
Can I share my story…the very abbreviated version? My prayer is that it will bring hope to others who are suffering infertility. I was going to be a mom. From a little girl I was going to be a mom and have 12 babies. But God kept me waiting 25 years, 2 months and 8 days to fulfill that dream. And then, not through my own aging body but through a young lady who had the selflessness to carry her baby to full term and give him to my husband and me. For 7 months I watched him grow in her belly as he grew in my heart. During my darkest days I begged God to take away the desire if it was not His will. I can now look back in awe at why He wouldn’t. The complete story and my life as a 50 year old woman raising a 5 year old boy is at http://www.awomanblessed.weebly.com
Thanks, Kimberly. Good luck with your upcoming cycle! I’ve been doing a lot of Beth Moore studies lately, so I’m in the mood for something different. I like studies that actually give me homework and are workbook-style.
Great! I’ll have to look into her studies. I’m the same way. I feel like the ‘workbook’ style leaves more of an impression on me to really apply the things I learn into my life. And thank you! I’m nervous yet excited. I just hope this pesky thyroid levels out so that I get the ‘green light’ from my endorcrinologist.
What a wonderful way to view this season. I pray that you get your BFP this year! Thanks for linking this up with the Faith and Fellowship Blog Hop!
Thank you, Susannah!