Each week I interview someone who has experienced infertility firsthand. This week, I’m so happy to be chatting with Maya from Don’t Count Your Eggs. She was a fellow nominee for last year’s Hope Award for Best Blog, and I’ve been following her story since. I know you’ll enjoy getting to know her a little more today.
Q. Tell us a little about yourself.
I’m 34. I’m a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (psychotherapist) living and working in Los Angeles with my husband Noah who is a TV producer. We met in college at UC Berkeley about 15 years ago and spent many years trying NOT to make a baby. We really had no idea that creating a family was going to be so hard. Noah and I have been documenting our journey to parenthood on film, and are currently in the process of making a feature-length documentary, called One More Shot, about our own journey and about making modern families. We feel strongly about sharing our story in hopes of increasing understanding and awareness about infertility and decreasing shame and stigma. I am also working on a book about our journey to parenthood.
Q. How long did you try to conceive and what issues were you facing?
Noah and I started trying to conceive the old-fashioned way when I turned 30 in 2010. We spent the better part of a year trying and essentially failing. I went to my OBGYN and asked what might be going on and like many other women under 35, was told to “just relax,” and keep trying. Eventually, in 2012, we saw a reproductive endocrinologist and I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve. This was the beginning of our rapid descent into the world of ART. We did IVF in late 2012, where our three beautifully fertilized good quality eggs mysteriously fell apart in the dish, leaving us with nothing to transfer. We spent the beginning of 2013 doing heavily medicated IUIs to no avail. Then as we began looking more seriously into adoption, my younger sister generously offered to donate her eggs. We did a cycle with her in the summer of 2013 and though we got to our first transfer day, nothing took. The end of 2013 felt like rock bottom. After spending so much time and effort and money trying to create a family we both felt really broken (and broke). We weren’t sure what to do next and felt really defeated. That’s when we found embryo donation.
Q. You’re currently pregnant after using a donated embryo. What kind of reaction do you get from people when they find out you used embryo donation?
I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant with a donated embryo. This time last year I was just learning what a donated embryo was. Embryo donation isn’t for everyone. It means letting go of all genetic links to your baby and knowing there are full genetic siblings of that child in the world. Noah and I were fine with adoption. Adoption also means your child is not genetically related and potentially has siblings. But we felt there were some advantages with embryo donation (also referred to as embryo adoption). I always wanted the opportunity to carry, there are no legalities with embryo donation, and it is faster and less expensive than traditional adoption. This obviously was not our first choice in how our family was going to be built, but after years of infertility treatments we were interested in getting out of the lifestyle of an infertile couple, and we just wanted to be parents. We reframed what it means to be a family and processed the idea of giving birth/parenting a child not related to us, and decided embryo donation was the best choice. Most people who learn about this alternative way we are building our family are very supportive and think it’s cool. I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who don’t. I wrote a piece for the New York Times Motherlode blog about embryo adoption and saw a lot of…different feedback from people around the country, which showed me this is all really new and people have strong feelings about it. Noah and I feel strongly about being parents, and this was what was going to give us the best chance. I know this baby is ours. 100%. No question. Noah and I decided that love is what makes a family. Not genetics, and we know we love this baby.
Photo Credit: Elizabeth Walker from The ART of Infertility
Q. What piece of advice would you give to someone considering embryo donation?
I think it’s important to really understand what it means and I think people have to be ready to be open and honest with a child created in this way. It’s not easy to let go of ones genetics or biology. Embryo donation certainly is not for everybody, but it is an option for some. I think anyone who is considering embryo donation has to really feel comfortable with the decision and proud about how they are choosing to create their family. Noah always says when our little girl is ready to ask questions, she’s going to know that we wanted her so badly that we would do anything to get her and other people, kind strangers, helped us to have her too.
Q. How have you taken care of yourself during your struggles?
The best thing I did for myself is become a certified yoga teacher. I went through a yoga teacher training while going through the IVF cycle with my sister as a donor, and it really helped me find a physical, emotional and mental strength that had gotten beaten down through the years of dealing with infertility. I took care of myself by decreasing stress, doing acupuncture, finding a solid support system, and tried to find time with my husband to not focus on infertility, which is really hard. I also have been blogging about our journey, at Don’t Count Your Eggs, and have found so much love and support from the infertility community. When you’re still trying to figure out what comes next and wondering if the next treatment will work it’s like a heavy cloud that hangs over your head always. Finding moments of relief are really important.
Q. You and your husband are working on a film about your journey. What made you decide to do that project?
YES! As I mentioned above, we have been documenting our journey and interviewing other people who have created their families in alternative ways (egg donation, adoption, surrogacy, etc.) We started filming right before we first met with our RE as a way for us to process what was going on. As we got deeper into the world of assisted reproductive technology, we realized we had an interesting story that we learned millions of other people also have. All of us who struggle with infertility (and there are something like 7.3 million people in the US alone) have different versions of the same story, yet not many people talk about it. Noah and I never felt ashamed. I have a medical condition that negatively impacts my ovarian functioning. We have been fortunate enough to be able to have access to treatments that many people don’t have access to. The more Noah and I learned about infertility and the community, the more strongly we felt like we had to share our story and also the stories of other people who have successfully built their families when the old fashioned way didn’t work. It’s been very healing for us to document and we hope it helps others and educates people who don’t know about infertility.
Q. What advice would you give to women who are about to start their first IVF cycle?
I would urge every woman to really advocate for herself. Ask lots of questions. Make sure you are with a doctor you trust. Look into alternative treatments, like acupuncture, and take good care of yourself and your partner. Seek support.
Q. Anything else you’d like to tell my readers?
Just to try and be open about how your baby will come to you. I know that sounds ridiculous in some ways, but I do think it’s true. Some of us don’t know how or when, but if we are open to different ways a baby can come to us then eventually it will happen.
Many thanks to Maya for sharing her infertility story. Be sure to leave a comment below to let her know you appreciate her. You can also tweet her @eggcountingal and follow her documentary’s progress at @onemoreshotdoc.
This post is linked up with Dare to Share // Saturday Soiree
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