Each week I interview someone who has experienced infertility firsthand. This week I’m chatting with Katie from League of Extraordinary Uteri. (How great is that blog name?!) She shares her gestational surrogacy story with us. I really appreciate her honesty in this interview and I know you will, too.
Q. Tell us a little about yourself.
I’m a classic nature-loving, bleeding-heart, newly-embracing feminist. I’m a recent transplant to North Carolina where I work as a scientist.
Q. How long have you been TTC and what issues are you facing?
We’ve been TTC for far too long- soon coming up on 3 years. I was diagnosed with Diminished Ovarian Reserve, AMH of 0.5 and AFC of 12. I’m baffled that I have let myself become totally consumed by TTC when my personal philosophy on parenting is that one’s life doesn’t revolve around their children, but children should be integrated into the lives and routines of the parents. Yet in these 3 years, I have let infertility take over my life.
Q. How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?
The diagnosis of infertility made me feel totally out of control- there was no dieting or exercise or thought process I hadn’t tried to become pregnant. I couldn’t get pregnant and I couldn’t afford all of the reproductive technologies needed to make it happen. The only thing I could do was to try to make changes: I started writing letters to my employer asking for coverage of infertility treatment. It eventually became a campaigner to gain coverage and spread awareness about infertility. I learned how to be an advocate. Although I have not have any success with having children- I have been able to get fertility treatment coverage added by two of my employers! Making changes has helped my personally with financing infertility treatments, but also it makes me feel like this experience has amounted to something.
Q. Your blog is unique because both you and your gestational carrier write on it. What made you decide to blog?
My carrier and I have been largely open about our journey. We have a lot of family and friends who want to be updated about our progress, so writing a blog seemed to be the best way to reach everyone. I will admit that I have struggled because the cycle has not gone as planned and it’s hard to share such sadness in real-time without being too negative.
Q. How did you come to the decision to use a gestational carrier (GC)?
My husband and I are frustrated that all we ever talk about and think about is trying to conceive. After several failed IUIs, and two transfers from IVF, we thought, “What is the fastest way we can start our family?” It seemed like surrogacy was going to get us there. The goal that I set when I started the gestational carrier process in October of 2014 was that by that time next year we would have moved forward in our journey, hopefully by being pregnant through surrogacy or having a baby in our arms already.
Q. What kind of reaction did you receive from friends and family when they found you were using a GC?
Our parents and close family and friends are incredibly supportive. Maybe a little too much. Sometimes they are so excited and so sure that this time it’s going to work that I get mad that they don’t realize that it certainly isn’t a sure thing. This was especially hard this past cycle with our surrogate- the transfer failed and we didn’t bank any embryos to try again. I try to let them have hope for me because it’s hard for me to be hopeful most of the time.
Otherwise, not many people who I interact with on a daily basis know that I am infertile, or that are working with a gestation carrier. I haven’t told people because I don’t want people to feel bad for me – and for me to feel weak and like there is something wrong with me. No one outside my parents and aunt knew about my infertility for a long time- only when we really needed help finding a carrier did we make a really targeted plea on Facebook- to close family and friends. We divulged that we had been struggling through infertility and needed help finding a carrier. People were supportive and left nice sentiments on the post. Thankfully we have moved several times- so we actually don’t see a lot of our friends and family: it doesn’t give them the opportunity to ask about our infertility struggle and me the opportunity to squirm.
I still go back and forth with “being out” with my infertility diagnosis: sometimes I truly think it’s just like any other disease- plain as day I have no shame about it, then a minute later I can shut down and feel very uncomfortable that people know that I am trying and can’t get pregnant. In that sense, I love the anonymity of the internet- posting on our blog and Twitter. Sure, people know my name, but because they’re not a part of my daily life, I feel like I can be very open and get a lot of support through my infertility struggle.
Q. What would you tell someone who is considering gestational surrogacy?
I would tell them that nothing is a sure thing. You have to be ready to gamble a fortune and lose. When I first got my infertility diagnosis, I never thought I would be the woman who had to go through IVF to have a child. There was a line that I wasn’t willing to cross and that was IVF. We crossed that line and after failed IVFs, we moved to surrogacy. There are things now that I tell myself that I’m not willing to do, like donor eggs or adoption. I want so much to see my heritage, my parents, in my children. I’ll probably have to consider these options if we still cannot conceive with a surrogate.
Q. Have you been able to find a “silver lining” in your infertility?
For me, there have been many great outcomes from my infertility journey. I have met the strongest and most powerful women who are going through infertility or helped me through my struggle. I also learned how to be an advocate- and learned how to make changes in my community. I find myself using a lot of the same strategies at work that I applied to the campaign for fertility treatment coverage. Lastly, I have become more sensitive about the struggles that other people might be facing. In my campaign for coverage, an organization that I was part of treated all of their members this way, including me. Although none of them experienced infertility and some didn’t ever want children, they tried to understand my situation and offer support and help if they could. After this experience, I am committed to approaching and supporting people in the way through what ever they are struggling with.
Many thanks to Katie for sharing her story. Please show her some support by leaving a comment below and by checking out her blog.
Photos by Rachel Campbell
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