Today’s post is a guest post from my husband, Tom. He writes about being the “strong one” in our marriage during infertility.
The hardest thing I’ve dealt with during infertility is my own false expectations. This has shown up the most in my expectation of being the strong pillar in our marriage.
Iʼm the man. To me, that means I have to be the caretaker and stable member of our family during this difficult time, no matter how long it lasts. But I’ve realized that I am constantly shutting myself off from my emotions because I am afraid that my vulnerability would cause the world to crumble, both literally and figuratively.
There is no doubt and no denying that infertility has become the pivotal struggle in our lives. With that struggle comes incredible wins and losses, celebrations and struggles, and very hard realities. Yet, I consistently fool myself into thinking that my reactions must be rooted in stoicism, or better yet, extreme optimism in the face of what can be. Keeping up with that facade has cost me over the last two years, and I still battle with the mentality daily.
I am the type of person that cannot live down-and-out. I am a determined optimist and bright-sider, but even I have limits. Living with the added burden of trying not to actively face the difficulties and struggles has given me unwanted stress, built resentment, and the created the tendency to disengage from my wife during the most difficult times. I just want this to be over, and sometimes the easiest way is for me to willfully ignore it or desperately transform it, which, sadly, are not helpful.
I am trying to face this head-on, realities and all, so I can at least enter into the grief-filled conversations and situations with my wife when she needs it most. Some days are hard, and as we enter into a new IVF cycle, we are gearing up for potential joy or heartbreak. But the worst thing to do would be to mentally run away from it or try to make it more optimistic and easier than it is.
Putting my best foot forward means to enter in completely, hand-in-hand with my wife, because thatʼs what she needs the most right now and every day from here on out. I say this as a hypocrite because I am in a terrible battle even as I write this, but I know in my head itʼs what is right.
Itʼs okay to have a bad day. Itʼs okay to be vulnerable. This whole things sucks, but it sucks more alone. I’m trying to make sure I donʼt do this alone anymore.
Who’s the “strong one” in your marriage? How do make room for grief while still maintaining strength? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
Photo credit: Margot Fandone via Unsplash.
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