Each week I interview someone who has firsthand experience with infertility. Today I’m interviewing Emily Adams, author of the new book, For Those With Empty Arms. I was actually supposed to post her interview two Fridays ago, but I mixed her up with another Emily and accidentally posted that Emily’s interview twice! She was so gracious and forgiving, and I’m happy she agreed to let me publish her interview today. Consider it a “bonus” interview! Enjoy!
Q. Tell us a little about yourself.
I grew up in a small town in Washington. Most of my childhood years were spent running around the foothills of the cascades with my friends and siblings. The smell of sagebrush and bunchgrass still make me feel energetic and at peace with myself. When I wasn’t playing in the mountains, I was reading, writing or singing. My husband, Trent, and I were introduced by my college roommate. We hit it off right away—learning that we had the same quirky sense of humor, shared a love of religion, and that we both loved reading and singing. We were close friends for three years before we started dating. We married seven months later.
Q. How long have you been trying to conceive and what issues are you facing?
My husband and I tried for four and a half years before we conceived via in vitro. We now have twins: a boy and a girl. Though we have decided to keep the details of our specific diagnosis private, we know that, realistically speaking, we will never be able to conceive without in vitro.
Q. Do you and your spouse cope with infertility in the same way or do you handle it differently?
I would say that while we have different coping mechanisms, we have the same coping strategy. The coping mechanisms are just little things that help give quick relief for sudden upsetting news—kind of like emotional Tylenol. For example, I like to write or talk in order to help sort out my feelings. Trent likes for me to rub his shoulders so he can relax. Our coping strategy, however, is much more sweeping and involves how we make decisions and move forward together as a couple. Our coping strategy is one we worked out together. It involves daily scripture study, daily prayer, going to doctor’s appointments together (even if only one of us needs to go), and making sure to put emphasis on strengthening our marriage.
Q. Your book, For Those with Empty Arms, was recently published. Tell us a little about the book and what made you decide to write about your journey?
I decided to write For Those with Empty Arms shortly after we got the diagnosis that told us we would need in vitro in order to ever have children. I was so overwhelmed, I decided I needed help. Since reading has always been one of my favorite ways to seek knowledge and comfort, I went to a local bookstore to find a few titles someone had recommended to me. Once I was there, not only did I not find any of the books I was looking for, I didn’t find any books on infertility at all. It was at that moment I decided I would write a book about infertility, but I didn’t yet know what I wanted to put into it.
When I finally did find books about infertility, I found that most of them were like medical text books. They explained the causes of infertility and different methods of treatment. I wanted a more personal book to help me feel some empathy and comfort. When I found books that were more personal, most of them seemed to end with the couple finding happiness after they had a child. At the time, I didn’t know if I would ever be able to have children, and I wanted to know how I could be ok even if I never conceived. Suddenly, I realized that there must be others who wanted the same thing: an empathetic story that focuses on being happy even in the midst of a trial. So, with help from my husband, family, friends and spiritual leaders, I started learning how to be happy, and then I began writing about it.
Q. How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?
For our spiritual welfare, my husband and I read Scriptures daily, we pray together and individually, we attend church on Sundays, attend Scripture study groups when possible and we often speak with our minister—who has been very supportive and kind.
I feel like much of our spiritual efforts also help with our emotions, but I think the biggest emotional comfort aside from our spiritual endeavors lies in strengthening our relationship. We made sure to go on weekly dates, spend time laughing with each other, and seeking to help one another in our careers and interests.
For me, I feel like taking care of myself physically was hardest. I admit that I gained a lot of weight during the time I struggled, sometimes because of treatments, but also because I felt a general lethargy for quite some time after the diagnosis. Eventually, after many failed attempts to work out on my own, my husband found a gym that had Zumba classes (he knows I love to dance) and took me there to see if I wanted a membership. Having a workout routine I enjoyed helped immensely.
Q. What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?
Our lowest point was definitely a blizzard-y day in January 2014. We still refer to it as “That Day”. On the same day our car was stolen, our doctor told us that we had one more procedure to do before we could proceed with in vitro and that if the procedure did not work, neither would in vitro. We had been trying for kids for four years. On That Day, it seriously looked like we might never be able to have children, and we weren’t sure if we could afford both the procedure and replacing our car.
Looking back, I think we survived by relying on Grace. It was a hard blow to absorb, but we moved forward, hoping that we would someday understand what God had in mind for us. We relied on the knowledge that God loves us and wants us to be happy. We trusted that he had a plan for us. Though it took many days, many prayers, and many visits to the doctor, we were able to make it through. The first hundred prayers saw our car returned to us, the next the success of the first procedure, a few hundred more saw us through in vitro. A few thousand prayers later, we discovered that God wanted us to be the parents of twins.
Q. Have you been able to find a “silver lining” in your infertility?
Yes. I feel like our struggles helped us to rely more on each other and more on God. Because we had to look to each other and to God for comfort so often, I feel like all three of us drew closer together.
Q. Which books, quotes, websites, verses, movies, songs, etc. have been an encouragement to you during your journey?
I have always found solace in the fact that the Bible mentions many couples who struggled with infertility: Abraham and Sarah, Jacob and Rachel, Zacharias and Rachel. I loved that the Bible shows that these were righteous people, and that their infertility didn’t come from a lack of faith.
Another figure who always interested me was the woman with the issue of blood. I often think of her reaching out to Christ in an effort to seek healing. I often felt I was doing the same.
Many thanks to Emily for sharing her infertility story with us. Please leave a comment below to let her know you appreciate her.
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