Q. Tell us a little about yourself.
Each week I interview someone who has experienced infertility firsthand. This week, I’m happy to share Aish’s story with you. She blogs over at PCOS Indian Diet. She prefers not to share any pictures of herself, but she wanted to share another image she created. I know you’ll still enjoy her interview!
I am Aish. I am 30 and am from Kerala, India. I graduated in Electronics and Communication engineering but am a software engineer by profession. I worked for almost 6 years and am on a career break now. My husband is 34, and he’s an Electronics engineer as well, and an IT professional by trade.
I was so held up with my studies and job that ‘falling in love’ never happened! So my husband and I met through an Indian match making / dating website. He was in U.S and I in India then. We did video chat for two months and got to know more about each other. I wouldn’t say we hit it off right then and there. We liked each other more every passing day and finally we decided to go ahead. He flew to India and we got engaged on the day he arrived. A week from then, we got married!!! This might seem strange to many, I know, because most stories I read, the couples know each other for a very long time. But hey! At the end of the day what matters is how we love each other and live together happily, right? So we got married in the fall of 2012 and have been in love ever since!!! Not every day may be perfect but we try to complement each other’s imperfections.
We are both foodies and love travelling. Though I’ve been here only for a short time, I’m loving the suburbs in the Midwest. We loved the vacations in the cabin in the spectacular Smokies as well as the serene cabin at the bank of Lake Michigan. If we could go there over and again, we totally would!!! I also loved visiting the breathtaking Mt. Fuji while I travelled to Tokyo on a business trip a few years ago. As much as we love travelling, we do love cuddling on our couch binge watch movies or TV shows. He loved watching sports & serious movies. I loved sit-coms and feel good or romantic movies. Of late, we are both loving a bit of both of each other’s interests as well.
Q. How long have you been trying to conceive and what issues are you facing?
We’ve been trying to conceive since July 2013. It is so ironic that for the first ten months of our married life we tried hard not to get pregnant. I had no idea that getting pregnant and to hold that little bundle of joy in your hand is simply a miracle and God’s blessing!
So from July 2013 we tried for a year in vain. Along the way, I realized something wasn’t right. Yet, months passed by, with cycles of hopes and desperation. That was when I started noticing changes in my body as well. Which later turned out to be symptoms of PCOS! All my life, I had been busy pursuing my goals in my academics and in my career. The one thing I didn’t take care of was myself, my health. I never did any work outs; I was so lazy. I ate a lot of junk food. I never had food on time. Neither did I control my portions. Even my doctors didn’t care when I complained of irregular periods. Finally when a doctor mentioned something about PCOS while I was 27, I was too caught up with my project that I neglected it. Neither did she bother to warn me about the risks of PCOS!
It was a very difficult decision for me to go to the reproductive endocrinologist. Yet, I had to and I did by July 2014. Our infertility work-up confirmed PCOS-related infertility!! My RE suggested a Letrozole-monitored cycle with IUI, which was $2,000 per cycle for how many ever cycles it might take. Unfortunately, our insurance doesn’t cover infertility treatment; it covers only the diagnosis. I got a second opinion from my OB-GYN and am on Metformin 1500 mg since 7 months. I’m not sure when I’ll decide to go with IUI or IVF. I don’t even know if I’d go for those options. As of now,my fingers are crossed and am waiting to see if Metformin works!
I do live with hirsutism (excess hair on chin, upper lips, belly), hair fall on scalp, dandruff, weight gain around mid-section, irregular periods, acne and dark patches on neck. My blood work showed I didn’t ovulate. I hope Metformin corrects my insulin resistance and some day I’ll ovulate.
Q. You currently live in the U.S., but you’re originally from Kerala, India. Tell us a little bit about cultural attitudes toward infertility in India. Do people talk about it openly or keep silent?
Let me not try to generalize about the attitude in India, because India is a diverse nation with 29 states and 22 different languages. Fortunately, English is one of the two official languages :). I hardly have an idea about people outside my friends and family circle. In my family, almost all my cousins got pregnant in a matter of few months after their wedding. So I had this impression that this was a given. I had a few friends and colleagues who mentioned they deliberately put off the decision for a few years. I’ve only come across a very few cases wherein I knew people were having hurdles along the way. But no one discussed anything openly.
When I check online, the number of Indian bloggers in the infertility blogosphere is very low. Even the very few people who are courageous enough to share their story are either residing in a foreign country or have lived at one for at least a while. (Maybe not all, but the ones that I have come across). There are only a very few discussions on infertility even in print and digital media. There are a number of Assisted Reproductive Technology facilities in India and the cost of treatment are less compared to the U.S. But there is no comprehensive database which gives the success rates and live birth rates like the one CDC provides. Also the scale of stigma associated with infertility is much more there, at least in my experience. I myself haven’t come out of the infertility closet to family or friends, yet! I fear the stigma, I fear the humiliation. I fear the questions I’d have to face. So I am in no place to judge others!
I had an experience where I was attending a funeral of my immediate family member during the fall of 2013. During the funeral service, a lady approached me, some distant relative who I didn’t even know. She wanted to know if I was pregnant. I gestured ‘no’, as it was disrespectful to talk while the funeral was going on. She wasn’t satisfied with the answer. Her next question was, “How long have you been married?” meaning “Why aren’t you pregnant yet?” That question was uncalled for, disrespectful and nosy, I’d say. Now that I am back to U.S, I don’t have to face any of these insensitive questions. Just that my mom has to face all these questions on my behalf.
Q. Why did you decide to blog about your journey?
Though I had never been in a relationship all these years until I got married, being a mom was always there at the back of my mind. The realization that this single dream of mine hit a roadblock was a huge blow. Initially, I couldn’t accept the fact that I was going through infertility. It hurt me so badly. I stopped talking to friends and family. I couldn’t share my plight with anyone. Even the sight of all the Facebook updates with pregnancy announcements, birthday parties and birth announcements made tears roll down my cheeks and made me crazy. Later, I’d beat myself up for not being happy for my friends. I was hardly this sensitive ever in my life! It’s like I totally lost control over myself. I felt so lonely. I kept asking God, “Why me?” I assumed it was just me, because almost every one I knew had a happy ending… no one struggled getting pregnant. Then there were a few who didn’t want to be pregnant at all, and yet becoming pregnant and complaining of that! It took all my might to keep calm!
During the first 10 months of my married life I used to visit all pregnancy forums. I planned almost all aspects of my pregnancy. I checked out delivery check-lists, bought “What to Expect Before You are Expecting” and “What to Expect When you are Expecting.” I checked out ToysRUS and newborn and toddler shopping sections of a lot of stores. I had everything laid out, only to know it is not a question of when, but if! I hit my rock-bottom. I was so guilty, I had no idea what to do next. That’s when I switched my search keyword from “pregnancy” to “infertility” in Google. And there they were, a lot of brave women who shared their stories. Some success stories, some still battling. I realized I was not alone. For a while I followed a lot of blogs and it took time for me to take it all in. Once I reached the acceptance stage of my infertility grief, I thought maybe I could share my story as well. My two cents back to the community that helped me survive! Maybe there are others out there who just started off their journey. Also, this is my way of coping up! I’ve met a few wonderful people, some of who are really close to my heart. Though I hardly know them, I sure do pray for them. Some inspire me a lot.
Another reason to start this blog is this, there are a lot of blogs on PCOS but hardly any that gives an Indian /Kerala diet plan for PCOS. I admit I’ve not posted many recipes. At times I get caught up with my worries and I take a break from blogging, but I try to update my diet and lifestyle changes as and when I can.
Q. How have you taken care of yourself during your struggles?
To talk about the physical changes, I joined a new gym. My husband and I signed up with a personal trainer and we train together. My husband likes working out, so he keeps pushing me as well. I modified my diet; I became aware of low GI and GL food and portions. So I try to keep my diet under control except on a few weekends or other occasions. I quit dairy, which I came to know might help alleviate PCOS symptoms. I bought a Nutribullet and one new healthy smoothie on most of the days. Most importantly, I came into terms with the way I look. The acne, hair fall, weight gain around mid-section, hirsutism etc had affected my self-esteem badly for a while. But now, I accepted that I am not defined by all these. I love my body and my looks. I learnt to use make-up to an extend to help me conceal my acne. Infertility or PCOS doesn’t define me. It is just an endocrine disorder, it is not who I am!
My husband is my greatest support. I can cry, yell, laugh hysterically or whatever. He understands. So there is that. My parents and my brother as well, though they don’t have a complete picture, they are always there for me.
Spiritually, it’s God! Well, at the end of the day, that’s all you have!
Q. Which books, quotes, websites, verses, movies, songs, etc. have been an encouragement to you during your journey?
I was browsing one day on “insensitive questions on infertility” and I found an author who said, “You don’t owe anyone an explanation or answer to anyone else.” That was such an eye- opener for me! All my life I was taught to be cautious about what others would think if you do or say something. All my life I thought I was answerable to others. Now I feel empowered. It’s my life and I control it. If someone asks me a question I am not comfortable with, I have the guts to ask back “Why do you ask?” I have the guts to say, “I’d rather not talk about it!!”
The infertility stories of many women featured in Amateur Nester and the experience of Lisa herself were a great source of inspiration to fight my battle! I so greatly admire the positive energy of Rachel from Surviving the Platitudes. I like the enthusiasm of the PCOS advocate, @PCOSGurl on Twitter! And many more….
Q. Have you been able to find a “silver lining” in your infertility?
The only “silver lining” in my infertility journey is that this struggle brought my husband and me a lot closer than what we otherwise would have been.
There was this time when I felt so guilty of having denied my husband the chance to be a father that I told him he could divorce me if he wanted. It would have killed me to actually go through that, but I genuinely wanted to give him that happiness. But he replied, “If we have kids, we’d have a family of three, maybe four. If not, we are family, just the both of us.” I have no one and nothing else to thank for other than God for his blessing and our parents for their prayers and my dear husband for loving me the way he does. I know I can be cranky at times, but he just bears with me.
Q. Anything else you’d like to tell my readers?
The journey of infertility is not an easy one. It takes its toll on both the partners. At times, our partner would be the stronger one, at times we’ve to take up the responsibility of being the stronger one. Many men may not open up at all. Finding the balance is the key. They might tolerate on our bad days. They might also have bad days, when we might have to bring our worries down a notch and support them.
Our love life gets monotonous, having to do it on a schedule. At times, make a deliberate effort to rekindle your love, go for a movie, or a coffee or a dinner or maybe just a quiet dinner at home.
Find a support group or follow a few nice bloggers. It’s such a great relief more than you’d know! If there are any one at or around the Northwest of Illinois who are interested in a support group, please leave me a note. Maybe a casual meet up or pairing up with like-minded people so that you’ve a buddy to turn to in times of need, that would be nice I suppose.
Many thanks to Aish for sharing her story with us today. Please leave her a comment below to let her know you appreciate her.
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