Why is there so much vitriol and hate when it comes to comments on mainstream articles about infertility?
On infertility blogs, readers are usually going through similar situations themselves, so the comments tend to be supportive. (Though I know a handful of you readers with your own blogs have experienced otherwise). Of course, sometimes people are insensitive due to ignorance. They’re trying to be helpful, but they’re just not doing a very good job at it. Maya from Don’t Count Your Eggs once wrote on her blog: “Even though people and friends try to understand, they just can’t, and there is an isolation that comes with not being understood that is both unavoidable and understandable. I can’t blame people for not knowing what to say or saying things I think seem stupid and trite.”
But when it comes to articles on mainstream media, I feel like comments are mostly negative and insensitive on purpose. Here’s some recent, real comments I’ve seen on large, mainstream news sites:
“I personally don’t agree with infertility treatment. I think it propagates weak genes into the gene pool and produces children that are going to have endless health complications their whole life bc they really shouldn’t have been born in the first place. I think the people who choose it are selfish and should use considered adoption… “
“…What are needed are incentives and encouragement to have fewer children and to adopt, but not incentives and encouragement to have more children.”
“In my case infertility sounds wonderful. I’d love to not really have to worry about having kids.”
[from an article about secondary infertility] “UGGGGG I hate these stories… she is too old, and she already has a HEALTHY child. the money spent on another baby could have gone to the first child, or any of the MILLIONS of children suffering with out a family. Makes me sad. This isn’t a happy story, it should break the hearts of anyone never adopted or left to suffer in foster care.”
I could go on and on, but I don’t want to give too much space to this nastiness on my blog. I’ve seen countless other comments implying (or sometimes even directly stating) that people with infertility are infertile because they’re unfit to parent. Or that children born via infertility treatments will have less-than-stellar genes and are at-risk for future health issues. Sigh.
RELATED POST: Flip the Script on Uneducated Comments
I think that ugly comments are an epidemic on the internet- no matter the topic. People like to push buttons, and it’s so much easier to do it on the relative anonymity of the internet. And even if you publish your name, you’re usually commenting on someone you’ll never meet in real life.
I asked Justine Froelker, blogger and therapist, for some of her thoughts on the matter. Here’s what she had to say:
“When we are brave enough to walk into the arena and talk about our journey to making a family, especially when it includes infertility, we are inevitably opening ourselves up to scrutiny, judgment and plain old hate. We also open ourselves up to the people who simplify it all and try to fix it. What we must remember is that someone’s perception or reaction to our story does not change our story. What our culture must work to understand is that we can agree to disagree and do it from a place of compassion rather than fear. We all have our battles; hard is just hard. For some of us our battle is in making our family, which our society simplifies and has too many opinions on for our own good. When in reality we all need to look at one another and realize we all have pain, loss and hardship and if we rise together through it we can all have recovery, health and happiness.
Wise words from Justine. I’d love to hear your thoughts on why our culture seems unable to “agree to disagree… from a place of compassion rather than fear.” Feel free to share in the comments below.
Photo courtesy of Milada Vigerova via UnSplash.
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