Redeeming Suffering: Melissa’s Infertility Story

Each week I interview someone who has experience infertility firsthand. This week, I’m happy to interview Melissa Danisi from Self Talk the Gospel. I was introduced to Melissa a few months ago through our mutual friend, Jenny, and I just love what she does on her blog. I’m so excited for her to share her story with you today.

Q. Tell us a little about yourself.

My name is Melissa Danisi and I live in the Central Valley of California with my husband of 9 years, Santino. I have the privilege of working at The Well Community Church, serving on the Spiritual Formation team in which I help women grow in their faith and look to God in the midst of doubt, unbelief, leadership, pain, suffering, and a multitude of other circumstances. I encourage and equip women through pastoral care and God’s word. I am currently getting my Master’s Degree in “Pastoral Care to Women” from Western Seminary.

I am passionate about helping others live a life wholly devoted to the Lord, and have written a few bible studies (Ephesians, Philippians, Sermon on the Mount, and Spiritual Disciplines) that help people grow in their love and understanding of Scripture. Prior to that, I was a public school teacher for 8 years, with my last few years teaching reading intervention to low-income/ESL students.

Some quirky things about me: I have been a vegetarian for 17 years (which is funny/interesting since I married into an Italian family), I don’t drink coffee but I love tea and sparkling water. I used to be an extrovert but now I’m an introvert according to Meyers-Briggs. I love walking, minimalism, nachos, slow mornings, solitude, and books. This year I have a goal of reading 52 books, that’s one a week and so far I’m on track! My greatest joy of all is helping others love God more, and I hope the words below help you do just that.

Q. How long have you been trying to conceive and what issues are you facing?

We have been trying to conceive for about 5 years. A little over a year of trying on our own, I started to realize something may not be right. I started having conversation with my doctor about what was going on, and shortly after I had my first surgery to remove endometriosis. My doctor’s response to me after surgery was “Okay, you are good to go! Now come back to me in 3-6 months pregnant.” So I said, “You got it!” and left her office practically skipping with this new assignment.

Three months turned to six, and six turned into ten, until I finally decided to visit the fertility doctor. IT was there that we discovered that I not only had endometriosis, but PCOS, a tilted uterus, hormone imbalances, and blocked fallopian tubes. My doctor in the midst of telling me all these, followed up with “You probably have a 1-2% chance of ever conceiving.” That was about 3 years ago. Since then, I’ve had 2 surgeries, been on Clomid, Femara, and injections, along with all of the other crazy stuff people recommend (gluten free diet, “less stress”, etc.). Currently, we are off of all the medications and taking a little break from “trying”.

Q. You’ve written some beautiful pieces about your infertility on Self Talk the Gospel. What made you decide to blog about your journey?

I started to write about my journey at the encouragement of a friend. I did some writing prior to this, but never from such a vulnerable place. At her encouragement, I wrote, and many women resonated. I continued to write about infertility because of 3 things:

• Women believe they are alone in this. So many women believe they are the only one in the struggle and suffer in silence. Women sit in fear and shame, feeling like they are some kind of outcast because they can’t fulfill the calling of motherhood.

• To speak truth. Many women, myself included, blame themselves for infertility. One of the biggest lies I battle through this journey is that infertility is a punishment of past sins. Not only do other women believe they are being punished through infertility, they have actually been told by others it is somehow their fault. “Is there a sin you’re hiding? Is there something from your past you’re not sharing?” As I heard these things, I knew we had to break the silence and learn to speak truth not only to one another, but also to ourselves. In fact, much of my writing at Self-Talk the Gospel is about how I preach the Gospel to myself through infertility. I am not being punished. I am not less loved than others, and neither are you.

• It’s healing and builds community. Writing is like prayer for me, sharing every emotion and thought with God. It is an outpouring of my words and in return He pours out His grace. I have also learned it builds community and allows freedom for others to talk about their suffering. Though the circumstance may not be infertility, most of us are suffering and we can learn to seek God and His comfort in the midst of that.

Q. What’s been your lowest point and how did you survive it?

My lowest point came two years ago, on Mother’s Day. It was in the height of doctors, fertility treatments, hormones, and that day hit me hard. I cried uncontrollably, stayed in bed for hours, and felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt like that before, outside of when my father passed away when I was 19. I truly think A LOT of it had to do with the hormone treatment, but I remember that day thinking this was just too much. It is so weird how such a beautiful holiday can bring on such a painful reminder of your barrenness, your brokenness, and your longing.

Q. How have you taken care of yourself during your struggles?

Early on this journey, I had a friend meet me for lunch and share her wisdom through her journey with infertility. The one thing I took away from our time together was this concept of self-care. She shared that during treatment, to be gracious with myself. Do a little less, make time for naps, go get a pedicure, anything that is “just for you”. This journey is so so hard, so do something that is filling.

I also found great peace in seasons of respite. We did intense treatment for over a year, and since then have taken months off to just breathe. It seemed that during the times of treatment, my hopes were so high, that the devastation was much harder. Taking some time off just helps you get off of the emotional rollercoaster a bit.

I’ve also learned to take it day-by-day, month-by-month. I often take each baby shower invitation as they come. If it’s a hard month, I politely decline. If it’s not as hard, I go. When my friends have babies, I take it one day at time. Sometimes I’m able to rush over with joy and food to see the baby, other times it takes months. I know that might be hurtful to others, but I’m hoping they give me grace in this season.

Lastly, the greatest source of self-care is time with God. We need to be with Jesus in this season. And I don’t just mean reading your Jesus Calling devotional. I mean be with Him, abide, study, pray, journal, practice spiritual disciplines and make margin to be alone with God. It is the only reason I’m still standing, and still serving and filled with joy in the midst of suffering.

Q. Have you been able to find a “silver lining” in your infertility?

One of the biggest sources of hope for me through infertility has been remembering the Gospel. Remembering that my story is a part of a much bigger story. I find such comfort reading through scripture and seeing our matriarchs went through this suffering too, that I’m not alone, and I can’t see all that God is doing in my life and in this world. That may sound lofty and a little too spiritual, but I honestly think about the greatest blessing in life . . . we get God. In the end, whether or not I have conceived, I have a greater gift, Christ Jesus, and a higher calling, to be His disciple.

Q. Anything else you’d like to tell my readers?

A couple of years ago, in my prayer time, I asked God this question “Lord, how can a barren woman bear fruit?” I was discouraged and heavy-hearted, and was wondering if good fruit can ever come from barrenness. I realized that I didn’t have to waste this barren season. I am in a unique position, gifted with time and capacity young moms or working moms may not have. I didn’t want to waste it. I found that suffering can turn our focus so inward, and often we can dwell on our circumstance more than we dwell on God. Our prayer life becomes all about “God change this” rather than “God change me”. So I asked God to redeem my wilderness journey, and to use this barren season. Instead of praying, “God remove this suffering”, I started asking Him to “redeem this suffering”.

As a result, the Lord has allowed me to launch the multi-author blog, Self-Talk the Gospel, and I have written 4 bible studies in 2 years. I don’t want to look back on this season and see wasted time. I have a job in which I can share steward my story and sit with others who are suffering. I’m learning to live in the meantime and redeem the moments I can even in the midst of suffering.

Many thanks to Melissa for sharing such encouraging words with us today. If you’d like to connect with her, you can find her on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest. In addition to Self-Talk the Gospel, she writes on her personal blog and on the STG Facebook Page. Please leave her a comment below to let her know you appreciate her.

This post is linked up with several blog hops in which I participate. 

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