Jessica’s Infertility Story

Each week I interview someone who has been through infertility firsthand. This week, Jessica from A Hummingbird Paused shares her infertility story. Enjoy!

Q. Tell us a little about yourself.

I’m 28 years old and live in Phoenix, Arizona. I’ve been married to my best friend for almost 6 years and we have 2 fur babies; one is a Maltese (Henry) and the other is a Chihuahua mix (Sienna). Both were rescues and they bring so much joy to my life, I can’t imagine being on this journey without them.

I’ve always been very organized and thought I had my life all planned out. I wanted two kids before 30, and I was confident that would happen. I have always been very careful with birth control until I felt the time was right to start trying. Sadly, the idea I had in my mind of how my life would be didn’t exactly match reality. I’ve spent the last 4+ years trying to get pregnant and it’s changed everything. My relationships, finances, my dreams for a future. Infertility has taken so much from me. And for a long time I was very depressed and felt like a victim. “Why me?” There was a lot of comparison and wondering what I did wrong to deserve this.

I’ve since come to realize that none of us have done anything wrong. I believe that we are all here on this earth to learn and to grow. Everyone has their own challenges and trials in life, and what matters is how you choose to react when things don’t go your way. This isn’t easy and it’s taken me a long time to get to this point, but I really feel that I’m a better person because of everything I’ve been through. And I’m blessed to be a part of this community and for all of the amazing friendships I’ve made along the way.

Q. How long have you been trying to conceive and what issues are you facing?

Daniel and I have been TTC for over four years. And it seems like every year there is a new challenge that we have to deal with. When we first started infertility testing, we discovered that I had a septate uterus (my uterus was split down the middle with a thick band of tissue). We also found out that we were dealing with male factor as well. I had two surgeries to remove the tissue, and I now have an arcuate, or heart shaped, uterus. Daniel started treatment for low motility and low morphology, and we found out that he had a varicocele. So he had surgery for that and his numbers have slightly improved, but are still sub-optimal. After a failed IUI, I started shopping around for a new RE and once I found one and started the testing for IVF, he discovered that I have endometriosis. So this has definitely been a roller coaster, and not the fun kind!

Q. How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?

After my miscarriage I started to really focus on my physical health. Emotionally I was heartbroken, and working out was really the only thing that helped me to feel strong again. I’ve been doing yoga and pilates inspired workouts at home and try to make it to the gym every weekend for weights and cardio.

My blog has really helped me emotionally. I try to stay positive and write posts that others will find helpful or informative. So by focusing on that I’m not dwelling on the heartbreak so much. I wouldn’t say that I’m completely healed from my miscarriage, I’m not sure I ever will be. But I actively try to shield myself from situations that will cause me anxiety or depression, and focus more on surrounding myself with people who are empathetic to my situation.

For a long time I was angry with God. Especially after my miscarriage, I yelled and screamed at Him asking, “Why would you do this to me?!” I was devastated and I didn’t understand why that had to happen. I still don’t. But some things aren’t meant for us to understand. And I’m finally coming to realize that it was not meant to be for reasons I will never know. I have to stay hopeful, and while I’m waiting I pray. I’ve stopped asking for things and instead pray with gratitude. It really helps me to keep things in perspective and stay appreciative of all that I have. Even though I’m not a parent, I’m still blessed beyond measure with my husband, family, and friends.

Q. What advice would you give to women who are about to start their first IVF cycle?

Be prepared for anything. IVF is somewhat unpredictable, you won’t know how many embryos you’ll have or how you’ll react to the injectable medications. Try not to plan any social events during your IVF cycle, and make your emotional and physical comfort a priority. Treat yourself to a mani/pedi or a spa day. Your relaxation and comfort during this process is so critical. During the 2ww, make sure you have lots of distractions! Plan a vacation, watch a new series on Netflix, read a book or two, do anything and everything to keep your mind off of the upcoming beta and just try to take one day at a time.

Q. What made you decide to blog about your journey?

Originally I started blogging to connect with other women who are going through the same thing. My initial diagnosis was somewhat unique, so I was hoping to find others in the same boat. Since then it’s grown from that and it’s not only a creative outlet for me but it’s an emotional one as well. Writing through my miscarriage and grief was profoundly helpful and I’ve received so much support from the infertility community.

Q. You endured a miscarriage at 7 weeks. How did you survive this?

It was the single most traumatic experience of my life. My heart felt completely torn and broken and I didn’t know how to put myself back together. Daniel was grieving too, in his own way, but I still felt alone. A lot of my family and friends didn’t even acknowledge it and avoided talking to me because they didn’t know what to say. I leaned a lot on my friends in the infertility community who have been through a miscarriage and their support was priceless. I don’t know how I would have gotten through it without their help.

I also purchased a few books on grief and those really helped me as well to understand the process is not the same for everyone and to give myself space for my emotions. There were times when I needed to yell or cry or curl up in a ball in my bed. And that was okay. And having a safe place to feel those emotions was so important. Daniel was really great during this time and was there for me when I was at my lowest and darkest point. I’m still healing and there are still triggers that upset me. I’m dreading my due date. But I now understand that there is no timeline for grief, and I’m grateful to have a place in the infertility community where I can talk about those feelings.

Q. Have you been able to find a “silver lining” in your infertility?

I think that I’m much more empathetic than I was before. When you go through something like this, it changes you; I’m a different person than I was five years ago. But I really think it has changed me for the better. I’ve made some amazing friendships throughout this journey and I’m proud to be a part of this community.

Q. Anything else you’d like to tell my readers?

Don’t give up hope! There might be times when you feel hopeless or like your life has no meaning. Infertility is so cruel and most people don’t understand what it’s like. But you are so important, and you were chosen for this journey because you are strong enough to get through it. Speak your truth and don’t be ashamed over something you have no control over. Reach out to others in the community, the best way to get support is to give support.

Special thanks to Jessica for sharing her infertility story. Please leave her a comment below to let her know you appreciate her.

This post is linked up to several blog hops. You can see them all on my Link Up Page

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