This post is part of the “Ask Me Anything” series. I answer reader-submitted questions about our experience with infertility and IVF.
A reader asks, “What do you do when your husband doesn’t understand infertility and the hurt that you are going through, or the sense of urgency in trying to get pregnant?”
Here’s my answer: I cried. A lot. I researched obsessively and told him all about it. That’s about it. And let me tell you, it did not work well.
For a better answer, I thought I’d have my husband share some of his thoughts. We hope they’re helpful.
I must approach this topic carefully as I come from a husband’s perspective, but I do hope I can offer something of value. First, let’s talk about the covenant of marriage. My wife and I entered into a covenant, not a contract, that we would love one another, fight for one another, no matter the circumstances, until death do us part.
Now that my preaching is done, I want to fully admit there were times I wanted to give up. Infertility is so freaking scary. It is one of the hardest things a couple can go through, and no one ever should tell you (or your husband) that it’s not okay to get really upset.
If you’re going through infertility, you can be sure that your husband is hurting a great deal. Despite what our culture says, being a father is a desire that most males have. Any threat to fulfilling that desire is difficult and frightening.
Although we don’t always show it, husbands inherently care very deeply for our wives, and we want desperately to “fix” any problems bothering her. But infertility is a problem that we cannot fix on our own. Once you factor in the shame that often accompanies infertility, facing it head-on becomes a very unattractive option for a man.
My point is that the lack of urgency and distance may be a natural reaction from your husband to avert the pain, as if it will go away if he ignores it enough. We sometimes irrationally hope that it just might fix itself or that other alternatives will arise in time. This tactic of avoidance obviously doesn’t work, but it’s something we often try.
My only advice here for women is to please be patient. Infertility is very painful on an emotional, spiritual and physical level for us men, and it takes time to process the gravity of the situation. If your husband is not taking an active role in supporting you, it may be a defense mechanism. If you truly believe he is not feeling your urgency whatsoever, you need to have a very real and serious conversation with him. You are traveling through a valley together, and it requires all of the both of you.
To men who may be reading, do not hold your feelings in. If you are having a hard time talking to your wife, find someone else to share with. I personally saw a therapist and talked to a friend who had also experienced infertility. I know not everyone has those luxuries, but try to find a confidant. Personally, I had to share it or I thought I would explode. There is a very real fear around sharing it and being judged, but it’s worth it to get it out there. Keeping the guilt, pain and sadness inside just causes it to fester and become something bigger than it was. This can erupt in an ugly way, often manifesting as resentment toward your wife. She doesn’t need that, and neither do you.
If it seems that your wife is much more emotional than you, it’s because it is incredibly real and urgent for her. Most women are also wired with an innate desire to mother and nurture. Remember that husbands are called to love and protect our wives and that means meeting their emotional needs and truly listening. It’s not always easy, I know. You may discover in this process that you have communication issues in your marriage that need to be corrected before you can adequately support each other during infertility. Seeing a marriage counselor or pastor can be extremely helpful.
If all of this sounds a bit preachy or know-it-all, I apologize and humbly admit Lisa and I miscommunicate all the time. We’ve had some hard cries and some crazy nights of yelling. However, at the end of every day, we always were next to each other, side-by-side. A husband and wife need each other, even more so during infertility. If you can find a way to walk through it together, you’ll be closer and better when it’s done.
What about you? How have you handled not being on the same page emotionally with your husband? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
Related Posts
- Infertility: Husbands Experience It, Too
- Marriage and Infertility: Why You Need to Pray
- 3 Conversations You Need to Have With Your Spouse Before You Start Infertility Treatment
- When You and Your Spouse Don’t Agree About Infertility Treatment
- Cultivating Your Marriage During Infertility
- The Infertile Marriage Bed
- How Did Infertility Affect Your Sex Life?
Looking for more encouragement during infertility? Be sure to download my free infertility prayer calendar.
Hey Tom,
This is a really good post about infertility. Thanks for sharing. I’ve walked with couples who really struggle during these seasons, and men and women handle things so differently.
I appreciate your words of wisdom today.
Came over on Mama Moments.
Hope you have a blessed day~
Melanie
For my own husband, I began to learn that his lack of reaction- at disappointing test results, negative pregnancy tests, ending cycles- wasn’t because he wasn’t feeling anything or didn’t care. It was because he was protecting my heart. My own disappointment and sadness was hard enough for me to handle, but if he reacted badly… if he was really sad… whew. That would be even harder on me.
This is why the divorce rate is so much higher for infertile couples. My husband and I have been struggling much more lately as we approach the four year mark. Sometimes it feels like the burden is just too great. He often acts like its no big deal where I think about infertility every minute of every day. It’s very hard to be on anything close to the same page.
This is too late to add on, but I am in the same shoe right now. Married 7and a half years, we’ve been trying for all those years. I mostly feel am in the struggle alone because my husband does not support me at all. He shuts down and trivializes my emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I even feel I am going nuts and no one understands me. ???
Hi Nasra, I’m so glad you commented, even though this post is a few years old. I’m really sorry to hear that you and your husband are having trouble connecting about this and that you feel like no one understands you. I know it’s not possible for everyone, but if there’s any way you can get some counseling (either by yourself or as a couple), I encourage you to do it. Also, there are so many wonderful, supportive infertility communities online. I hope you can find one that gives you some support. My friend, Caroline, has one that you might like. It’s at http://in-due-time.com/fertility/moms-in-the-making-online/ You are not alone!
My husband and I haven’t experienced the struggles of infertility, but I think in general it’s so great to hear things like this from a husband’s perspective. I feel like I learn so much when I’m able to sit down, separate myself from my emotions for a while, and just listen to my husband’s perspective I learn so much. Thanks for sharing this. Your husband’s honesty is wonderful!
Bravo! Such a great post! Thank you for sharing 🙂
Thanks Tom for sharing your thoughts!
I totally agree with Ally. My husband tries to be strong for me (and I’ll admit it, I’m the emotional one). I do think he knows I have enough to worry about and doesn’t want to add more to it.
Jenn
What a beautiful and enlightening post. It’s good to hear the husband’s perspective on these things as well. Infertility affects a man and a woman – sometimes that’s overlooked.
Thanks for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).
Wishing you a lovely day.
Great post. It must be so hard for the husband’s side and the wife’s side not understanding and experiencing the same thing in the same way. Thank you for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme
This is such an important perspective, and very insightful. I haven’t experienced infertility, but I believe this is a great synopsis of the way many men handle all kinds of disappointments. I’m so thankful for the way God created men and women in complementary ways, and this post illustrates that beautifully. Thank you for sharing it with us at Grace & Truth!
Thank you for the kind comment, Jennifer.
You two are such an awesome couple! This is a great post. I have learned to realize that Todd keeps his stoic demeanor to be strong for me. It would absolutely be awful to watch him in pain, as I know it’s awful for him to watch me. On occasion, I see that exterior crack, and it’s usually at a time that I can be the supportive one. God bless our infertile husbands. They deserve the support as much as we do. Love you, friend!
Lol. I’m a man and I find this article rubbish. Some men just get on with it, we don’t want to talk about it repeatedly. It’s not that we don’t care. It’s just sulking and worrying solves nothing. My and my wife are going through same thing. She is repeatedly talking about the same things. It’s simple. Do the tests. Pick a clinic. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. There’s only so much reassuring a man can do. Most men are brought up to be strong.
Unfortunately it’s not just that simple- especially when medicated treatments are involved. The effects of the hormones are incredibly intense. Emotions are a complex thing. It’s understandable that you are frustrated by her need to constantly talk about it. That’s why sometimes it’s a good idea to put limits on how often /how long to talk about it together. But it would me mean to ask her to never talk about it at all. Your job as a husband is to be supportive and provide comfort even if you don’t understand. Being strong doesn’t mean shutting down and refusing to reassure your wife. It means looking for a solution, a middle ground that gives her the support she needs and the space you need. I encourage you two to seek marriage counseling.
This is an excellent post and has made me feel a whole lot better. There is a urgency in me as a woman to nurture and mother which my husband doesn’t get. It’s not that he doesn’t want kids I know he does he just doesn’t cry every month when it doesn’t happen or worry that it will never happen. Men never think long term only what’s happening now. Thanks for your supporting words.
My boyfriend just doesnt care at all, ill cry and tell him how much i hurt and all he does is look at me and say we have plenty of time… he doesnt see that each period any strength to live gets smaller. Hes even told me he doesnt want kids so i guess thats why…
Lilly, I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. It is very hard when someone doesn’t understand. I hope that if you are really thinking that you cannot live, that you will reach out to someone who can help you get through this tough time. There are wonderful people at the Suicide Prevention Hotline who will listen to you and provide you with the resources you need to get through this. 1-800-273-8255. Hugs and love to you.
I’m not going to feed you some crap. I’m going to tell you, THIS IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND. THIS IS A BOYFRIEND WHO DOES NOT WANT KIDS. WAKE UP. Seriously. I’m not trying to play devils advocate but you two are NOT COMPATIBLE. That’s not a reason to kill yourself. It is, however, a reason to take a good hard look at yourself and ask, ” Why am I trying to make a dog quack?” It’s an expression. When you try to make a dog quack, all you will do is frustrate yourself and annoy the dog. Please accept that you alone are responsible for the choices you make. This person has told you the truth. You don’t want the same things. It’s up to you to accept it and move on. There are 8 billion people on the earth so clearly, there’s no shortage of men who want kids!!!
My wife and I r going through a rough patch right now dealing with infertility problems. I’m very optimistic where she is scared that she won’t be able to conceive. I believe she doesn’t like that I’m positive about it because it seems like I’m emotionless, but I’m just wired to always b hopeful. I encourage her to do what ever she feels is needed to help the process, and what ever she decides I’m always there by her side at every appointment in the office and I ask more questions than she does. I try my hardest to understand everything she is going through because be I don’t want her to feel alone but when she ask me how do I feel and I give her my honest answer ( in a nutshell I feel hopeful and excited to see a little baby version of us) she tells me that’s bull shit because I’m not as emotionally invested as she is. Than I try to explain that I am sorry that I’m not understanding her womenly desires to have a baby. That I don’t know what it feels like to not b able to do the one thing God put u on this Earth for. I’m what to understand. But that’s when she pushes me away. I need help idk what to do. How to communicate with her that I am here and I want to help. I want to know. If I need to lie for now on to make it seem like I’m not as hopeful that I will. But idk how to make it seem legit because idk how that feels.
I know I wrote alot and it probably doesn’t make any sense but for those who can decipher my words, can you please give me some advice or word of encouragement for us
I’m sorry you’re having trouble communicating to your wife that you want to support her. All I can say is continue to tell her that you support her and that even though you might not be able to fully understand what she’s feeling, you are willing to stand by her and let her feel her feeling without any judgment. I wouldn’t recommend lying and acting like you’re upset if you’re really not. That’s just my opinion. But try to be empathetic when she’s having a rough day. If it’s available to you, you might also want to consider counseling or talking to someone who can help you two communicate more effectively.