This post is part of the “Ask Me Anything” series. I answer reader-submitted questions about our experience with infertility and IVF.
A reader asks, “How does it feel to be pregnant after such a long journey? What sorts of thoughts and emotions are you experiencing these days?”
I haven’t talked much about my pregnancy on this blog out of respect for those of you still struggling for a BFP. But I received this question and, after giving careful thought, decided to answer it here in hopes that it will benefit someone who recently got a BFP or will receive one soon. (If you would like to read regular updates on my pregnancy, I post them each week on my other blog).
I wish I could say that pregnancy after infertility feels great and that it’s everything I dreamed it would be. The truth is that while it does feel great, the happy emotions have been mixed with fear and anxiety. This quote by Thomas Hardy sums is up beautifully: “The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.”
After dealing with three years of disappointment, loss, heartache, struggle, and frustration, it’s very hard to let all of that go. My therapist says when we go through something traumatic like infertility, our brains can get hardwired to automatically see the next potential problem in order to “protect” ourselves from potential hurt. I think this has definitely been the case for me.
In the first few weeks of this pregnancy, I was convinced it wouldn’t last. I would say things like, “If this one sticks…” or “If there’s a heartbeat…” I was very fearful before every ultrasound, and worried about spotting every time I used the restroom. (I did have some spotting episodes, but nothing serious).
It has gotten easier as the pregnancy has progressed. I felt a tremendous relief when we made it to the second trimester and I’m feeling more and more confident each day. But I honestly don’t think I’ll get rid of the fear and anxiety 100% until I hold a live, breathing baby in my arms. (And everyone says that’s when the REAL fear begins! Ha!). The thing about infertility (and reading infertility blogs) is that you learn too much. You hear all the horror stories. You’re no longer ignorant of everything that can go wrong.
I think the key is to remember that fear and anxiety after infertility is probably normal. We can’t do much to keep it from popping into our minds, but we can work to not let it overwhelm us and rob us of our joy. As for me, I cope by trying to remember God’s promise of good plans- no matter what. I’ve slowly started doing things like buying baby clothes, letting our family buy us a stroller and crib, and even buying a baby book. Each of these acts feels a little risky to me, but I’ve decided I just have to do them. I’m also continuing to see my therapist on a regular basis and I highly encourage anyone in the same situation as me to also see a therapist.
I’d love to hear from those of you who have experienced pregnancy after infertility. How did you deal with the mixed emotions? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
If you have a question you’d like to submit for Ask Me Anything, you can do so here.
**Looking for more encouragement during infertility? Check out my 31 Days of Prayer During Infertility series. **
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This was my question, and I asked because I wondered if your experience was similar to mine. And it sounds like it is pretty much exactly the same. Even though my previous miscarriage was early and everything was completely different and always healthy with my daughter, I knew too much. And I felt like I was always living in the 1% of things that could go wrong, because I knew people who had been in that 1%. And when you know people in the 1%, it no longer feels like a rare occurrence.
I have a friend who is due exactly a year after my daughter, and she was talking about how soon her due date feels. At this point last year, my due date felt an eternity away! It didn’t really feel like we were going to have a baby until a month before she was due. And it’s just now sinking in that she is REAL and she is 6 months old!
For me, the fear after birth has been much less than the fear during pregnancy. I worry about her, but it’s just different when I can see her with my own eyes all the time. I’m no longer relying upon signs from my body to tell me that she is ok. Because that’s the awful thing about infertility, the heightened awareness of every single thing that’s going on in your body, always trying to figure out if the signs are good or bad. It’s kind of nice that, because of breastfeeding, I have no clue what’s going on anymore!
Rebecca, thanks for the question and for your comments here. I’m glad to hear your fear lessons after birth. I’m hoping the same will happen for me!
Thanks for sharing – I am glad you are talking about your pregnancy – it should definitely be celebrated!
Thanks, Caroline.
My son (our 4th IVF) is almost 2, and still at times I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s ok to feel afraid. Those of us who have been in your shoes understand.
After 6 years of unexplained infertility and 14 failed artificial inseminations I got pregnant. 2 days later I was told it was ectopic and I needed emergency surgery. They told me I was bleeding inside and if I didn’t have surgery I could die. God did a miracle because when I woke up from that surgery they told me “they didn’t know why’ but I was still pregnant. I waited 2 weeks for an ultrasound to see if the pregnancy was viable. I was SO nervous in that waiting room. I loved being pregnant but always had to tame my fears by reading the Bible and allowing His word to help me to trust. I used to search for comfort by seeking fellow infertility strugglers. It is so awesome that you minister to women here. I have always had a sensitive heart for women struggling with infertility. May the Lord give you rest, peace and comfort. #Grace and Comfort
Oh bless you my best friend went through many rounds of ivf before she got her little miracle baby and she felt very much like you anxious and worried throughout it and not the smooth pregnancy feeling that others without infertility struggles deal with. It’s hard because its more added stress and unknown to you. Bless you . I am popping over to your other blog thought to read some happy pregnancy updates. lol Making me broody. Thanks for linking to Share With Me I hope to see you again soon #sharewithme