A reader asks, “How did you know you should keep pursuing treatment versus accepting being childless? I don’t know when I’m supposed to give up.”
This is a tough one. I’ve read a lot of articles and blog posts that say you should decide when to stop infertility treatments before you even begin, but we did not do that. For us, it ultimately came down to finances and the emotional toll continued treatments was taking on us.
When we first started IVF, we purchased a package that gave us two fresh cycles and any resulting FETs. When we unsuccessfully completed all we’d paid for, we knew we weren’t done. We weren’t ready to give up. We had the funds to pay for one more fresh cycle + resulting FETs, and we went into our most recent (and ultimately successful) IVF knowing that it would be the last one for us for the foreseeable future. We didn’t have peace about continuing to spend large amounts of our money and our family’s money on treatments without a guarantee. We’d also put so many things on hold (travel, career changes, etc.) due to IVF and we didn’t want to do that anymore. IVF was becoming all-consuming and we knew that wasn’t healthy for our marriage or for us as individuals. If that cycle failed, we would have stopped IVF for the foreseeable future.
Obviously, the decision when to stop treatment is an extremely personal and difficult decision. For those of us who believe in God’s will and plan, I think it’s a matter of prayer, seeking wise counsel, and looking at circumstances and available resources when making that decision. Corrie Ten Boom, a Dutch Christian who helped many Jews escape Nazi concentration camps, said, “The Lord leads us through His Word, through feelings and through circumstances, and mostly through all three together.”
As I write this post, I’m currently working my way through a Bible study book called, “Discovering the Voice of God: How to Recognize When God Speaks,” by Priscilla Shirer. I highly recommend it if you’re struggling to discern God’s will. Here are just a few things I’ve learned, and I’m only on the third chapter:
On wondering whether God will actually speak to you: “Not until Habakkuk’s approach to God changes from doubtful to confident and expectant did he begin to receive directions from God as to what he should do.” (pg. 11)
When we can’t figure out His will: “Desiring and doing His will is not my responsibility to discover; it’s His responsibility to reveal… As a Christian, you have been given the right and privilege not only to hear God’s voice, but to understand it so that it can penetrate your heart. As you look into the Bible, He will enable you to not only read what is written but hear how it applies to your life and specific situations. Only the Spirit in you can make this happen.” (pg. 41, 43)
If and when you do stop treatment, I think it’s wise to have a plan for what you’re going to do next- especially if you’re moving towards childlessness. If our IVF had failed, I knew I’d need some time and counseling to grieve the idea of not having biological children before I’d be able to wholeheartedly move forward with the adoption process. I can only assume this would also be healthy if you’re not pursuing adoption, too.
I’d love to hear from readers who made the decision to stop treatment? How did you know it was time to stop? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
Images courtesy of Unsplash.
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