Today’s post is a guest by Ally from A Home Called Shalom. Enjoy!
Infertility sucks. It just does.
The pain that infertility causes in our lives is so complicated. Infertility hurts in so many ways, many of them unexpected and in places that we never knew we were vulnerable.
But.
(That “but” is so full of hope, isn’t it?)
Infertility may suck and it may hurt, but that pain has the potential to change us. To grow us, to make us better. To make us stronger.
One of the biggest and most important changes infertility as wrought in my life is that of a stronger faith.
God has been so good to me throughout my life- always bringing me closer to Him, always waiting and patiently loving me, as unlovable as I am. Sometimes (okay, most of the time), I don’t understand His plans. But I’m seeing the good He’s producing in my life through this not-so-good situation. I would never have chosen this path, but God is using it for my good.
So far in this journey of infertility, I’ve seen my faith grow in three primary ways.
Reality
It’s easy to claim Christianity when it’s a pillow-top, shiny clean and smooth religion. When it feels good. When it’s easy.
Of course, it’s also shallow.
The truth is, Christianity doesn’t make life easier. It often makes life harder. It’s work. It’s commitment. It’s gritty and real and walking willingly into pain or rejection and praising God through it all even when we don’t feel like it.
To be honest, my faith hadn’t been truly tested before infertility. Yes, I’d had some uncomfortable years. Yes, I faced some loss. But it all pales in comparison to what we’re dealing with now.
The hard times are when faith is refined. It’s when we truly cling to what we believe. The real pain, the real suffering, bring us closer to the reality of God.
Reliance
I’m a bit of… well… a control-freak. I like things done a certain way, and I rarely trust others to do it “right.” I like my plans, I like my binder full of lists and notes, and I like being prepared.
Infertility really took (and is still taking) a toll on all that.
I can’t plan next year, because will we have a baby? Will we be pursuing adoption? Will we still be dealing with my PCOS? Who knows?
Well, God does.
I have to trust, first and foremost, on His plans for my life.
Which, yeah, I don’t have in my binder. There isn’t a schedule for the will of God. I could let that drive me crazy. I’ve tried that, though, and it doesn’t work well. Instead, I have to trust that His plans are right for me, even if they don’t look like my own.
Trusting and relying on God for my next moment, for my next step, for comfort and for strength, it’s not something that I’ve done well. But infertility has made prayer a priority. It’s made me stop and consider His will for our family and for our lives.
Relationship
In the past, my relationship with God was like a relationship with a respected professor.
(Stay with me, here.)
I had a great professor in college. I really respected his views. He was pretty darn brilliant. I would sit in his class and try to listen and learn and take notes and apply knowledge to my life, but our actual relationship was pretty shallow. I would never tell that professor about my family life, or express anger toward a bad grade, or even address him by his first name.
My relationship with God was a lot like that.
I “did my homework”- read the Bible, spent some time in prayer, went to church… but that was about it.
When we realized that we were suffering with infertility, I spent many hours in prayer… most of them yelling at God. I was angry. I didn’t understand why He would allow this to happen to us. I cried out to Him. I asked Him how He could call Himself good in the face of such pain and suffering.
I don’t know the answers to all my questions. I may never find out many of those answers this side of heaven.
But God’s not some distant professor to me, anymore. He’s a personal God, and I think that He desires us to get real with him, to get to know Him and offer Him all of ourselves, even the angry parts, even the ugly places of our hearts, even those hard things.
Has infertility strengthened your faith? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
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