Today’s post is a guest post from Ryanne.
My story is pretty typical. Girl meets boy, girl and boy tie the knot, and a few years later…it’s time to have a baby. And that’s where we got stuck. In 2011, when I went off the pill, the idea that we would still be trying after nearly four years wasn’t on my radar. And the idea that we would be talking about stopping treatment? Well, that was unthinkable. As it is, that is exactly where we’ve ended up. When I look back at the last few years, I get the sense of it being a battlefield. My dreams, hopes and plans are strewn about—stomped on and broken. I’m still standing, but I’m exhausted and bruised. And I have to wonder, where do we go from here?
I think it’s really important to be authentic in your life. Being authentic means listening to your heart and your soul, to that inner wisdom we all have. It means to be true to what you hear there. That includes how you deal with infertility treatment. It’s very, very easy to get caught up in it all and to let other people tell you what to do. It’s easy to look at the numbers and the statistics and choose your treatment based on that rather than on whether or not it feels right. And it’s easy to justify doing things that don’t feel right because the end result is worth it. I know. I’ve done it. And in the last few months, some things have happened that have forced me to listen to my body and re-evaluate what I’m doing. In doing so, I’m starting to feel like I’ve reached my limit. Each one of us has a different story, and we all have our limits. Mine look different from yours, and that’s okay. So while this conversation seems premature in many ways (because we haven’t tried IVF yet, for instance), I also know that there is no shame in identifying and honoring our limitations.
If you are feeling uncertain about whether or not to pursue treatment, I encourage you to think about the financial, emotional and physical ramifications of continuing treatment, and most importantly, what effect it is all having on your relationship. How will you and your spouse feel if you keep trying? How will you feel if you stop? Can you both find peace and move on if you have to? If {blank} doesn’t work, will you consider {blank}? What treatments/solutions are just out of the question for you? Communicate honestly about how you each are feeling at this stage of the game and where you see yourself going from here.
Above all, I encourage you to avoid the mindset that you are “giving up” by stopping treatment or naming your limitations. This has been my greatest struggle, because we hear the message almost constantly that we should never give up and that we should do whatever it takes to have a baby.
The reality is that you can exhaust every option and still be without a child. Because of that, it is so important that we nurture our lives outside of this area. We need to nurture our relationships, our careers, our marriages, ourselves. At the end of the day, if all of your options have been exhausted, there is something to fall back on. It’s not settling for second best, or being pessimistic. It is making it a priority to live a full life exactly as you are. Don’t make having a baby responsible for your happiness.
And also remember that your choice to “try” or “not try/not prevent” can change. If it works out and you feel right giving it a go, great! Do it. The choice to “stop trying” is not necessarily a permanent one, even though it does sounds like a big, scary decision. The choice is simply to start living your life and fitting the treatment in when (and if) it feels right, rather than letting it run the show.
Many thanks to Ryanne for sharing her thoughts today.
Image courtesy of Boss Fight
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