Each week I chat with someone who has experienced infertility firsthand. This week, I’m chatting with Paula. She shares her infertility story and what she learned from the struggle. Enjoy!
Q. Tell us a little about yourself.
In many ways I have always yearned for things from time past. Cooking from scratch, canning, sewing and quilting are what I truly enjoy. My best friend calls me “Martha Stewart without the rap sheet.” Bill and I are high school sweethearts. We got married after dating for 5 years. I was thrilled to be his wife and start our life together. We waited for over 3 years to begin trying for a family. Trying is such a polite way of saying “stop birth control and plan what cannot be planned.”
Q. How did you TTC and what issues were you facing?
I knew that I might have issues having kids because I have a genetic condition (Turner’s Syndrome). When I asked my then-primary care giver what tests and or if I need to see an OBGYN, at that point I was told that we were young and to try for a year and come back if we didn’t get pregnant. Once we hit that year-point we transferred to a fertility specialist at a local OBGYN office. That began our journey into a club that no one wants a membership to. Initial testing showed that my husband had no issues and that I had low progesterone. Our first step was Clomid and even on the highest dosage I was only 10 when a normal not pregnant person would be a 12. We then had an explorative surgery where they removed some endometriosis and did ovary drilling. That was followed by 2 more rounds with Clomid. Nothing says desperate for a child like hot flashes, hormone mood swings to what my husband called “the dragon lady” and peeing on thousands of ovulation tests and pregnancy tests. We finally got to the point where we would need to look into the possibility of IVF and several thousands in medical bills that our insurance company wouldn’t cover. Since we were looking at how to afford that, we decided to take a break in November and wait for Spring because as a teacher if I had to do IVF, I was going to have a baby 6 weeks before summer break and then have summer break before returning to work . . . Well, if you want to see God laugh tell him your plans. Because we didn’t think that I could get pregnant without assistance, we stopped tracking my cycles even when I had periods.
Sometime in March I started not feeling good and had an upset stomach for quite a while. I had spotted for January and February and pregnancy was the furthest from my mind. When my breasts started hurting I finally decided to take a pregnancy test. . . not expecting anything to be different. I was over the moon thrilled that I was finally pregnant. My mother will tell you that we got pregnant sometime in mid-December because I finally relaxed. I have done too much research, had to many tests and had doctors tell me that is a big pile of Freudian crap. “Frigid” wives and stressed-out couples aren’t what causes infertility. If it were then my doctor would have told me to stop testing my hormones, tracking my cycle meticulously and to go on vacation.
The joy of my pregnancy was briefly overshadowed by my continued spotting. My doctor had me come in for a lab slip and an appointment later that week. I quickly got a call back from their office to go pick up my first (but not last) prescription for Prometrium (progesterone) pills. At my first appointment, we had an ultrasound to see if there was any other cause of the spotting and we found out we were 8 weeks along. After a month of weekly ultrasounds and twice a day taking horse pill-sized hormones to keep everything good, we were allowed to go back to a normal schedule of prenatal care. Our son entered our lives at 36 weeks and has kept us busy ever since. We have since added his sister and before everyone gets upset that I have two kids, we are done because of serious preeclampsia both times.
Q. Which books, quotes, websites, verses, movies, songs, etc. were an encouragement to you during your journey?
My best friend reminded me that in the Bible all who asked for children did eventually receive children. My favorites were Sarah, Hannah and Rachel. I also felt God’s love through worship songs. At my lowest point, I stopped singing during church because my heart hurt so much. This was huge for me because I love singing and worshiping in songs has been such a big part of my relationship with God. [The song] “Wonderful Merciful Savior” touched my heart and started the healing process for me before I had my son.
“Wonderful Merciful Savior”
Counselor, Comforter, Keeper, Spirit we long to embrace
You offer hope when our hearts have
Hopelessly lost the way
Oh, we hopelessly lost the way
[Chorus]You are the one that we praise
You are the one we adore
You give the healing and grace
Our hearts always hunger for
Oh, our hearts always hunger for
Q. Did you and your spouse cope with infertility in the same way or did you handle it differently?
In many ways the journey to have kids was lonely and at points did stretch our relationship to the limit. Every negative pregnancy test would bring me to a low. My husband was sad for me, but was ok waiting patiently (a truly first and only for him). I would say he wasn’t in a rush to have kids and happy to be just trying. When we did finally get a positive test, he told me that he prayed for it to finally be positive while I thought I was secretly taking the test.
Q. How did you take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?
I surrounded myself with women who have been there in the footsteps of infertility. They supported me at every negative test. They educated me about blood test results and doctor procedures. They also listened to my every fear and hope about pending motherhood. As they dried my tears and put me back together to start another round of trying it gave me the courage to live whatever may come. Nothing brings women together than same/similar struggles against Mt. Everest when the trail isn’t marked and you have no clue how long the journey will be.
Q. What was your lowest point and how did you survive it?
My best friend and I started trying for kids the same month. I took it in stride when she got pregnant the next month and I didn’t. Even when she had her son, I helped her prepare the nursery and visited her the day after she gave birth. Forward to the next year at a mother/ daughter banquet at our church. It was already a hard function to be at; I wanted a baby so bad and I was starting the testing with our fertility/ high risk doctor. My best friend thought it was the perfect time to tell me that she was pregnant again with her 6 month old on her lap. I’m sure I attempted to congratulate her on her unplanned pregnancy. All I could think surrounded by women was to keep it together and grab my purse. I walked straight down the hallway to an empty classroom. I opened the door and locked it behind me. I cried for the first time in what would be years filled with tears.
I cried for the loss of the “easy, lets get pregnant”, I cried for all the unplanned pregnancies when I wanted a baby so bad and was denied one. I cried because I feared I would never be a mom, to be pregnant or had any control. I cried harder because I couldn’t be joyful for my friend or even let her know how hard this was for me. After a good long cry, I remembered that God promises to dry our tears and give us the desires of our hearts. I knew He had plans for me and that I could wait for His timing. Don’t worry, we were able to stay friends. I helped her with her kids and after her fourth baby was born at 26 weeks, I made a prayer blanket for her that night and was at the hospital the next morning to brush her hair, hold her while she cried and pray with her for her daughter to grow and have little or no problems. Her daughter is now 3 and is an answer to those prayers.
Q. Were you able to find a “silver lining” in your infertility?
There is nothing that seemed precious like silver about those years. In the rest of my life I had full control. Yes, I would pray and try to use the Biblical principals to decide what would please God. But at the end of the day things like what college to go to, what major to have and who to marry were ultimately something I could control. Getting pregnant and having a baby is really the first time a woman (or couple) has absolutely no control. I will tell you honestly I think women who face infertility value their children so much more because of the journey we traveled to get there.
I remember one morning at church when the church was in silent prayer, both of my children were wiggling and having a hard time being quiet on my lap. I was so frustrated at them, but I remember hugging them close and just thanking God for my two rambunctious kids. They were safe, they were a gift from God and I wouldn’t have my life any different.
Back to the silver… silver is refined by heating it until the impurities evaporate. It is a time-consuming process where the refiner must carefully keep an eye on the silver. Take it out too soon and the impurities aren’t all gone. Heat it too long and the silver is ruined. It is done when the refiner can see his face clearly in the molten silver. In many ways in our Christian walk God is the refiner waiting to see his face in our lives. Infertility is part of the refining process and we never know when its done or the heat is turned up. But, for those lucky enough to obtain our children, I would have done it all again to have them.
Q. Anything else you’d like to tell my readers?
Hang in there. There is not any one way to handle or cope with infertility. Find what works for you as a person and as a couple. As much as I hate to admit it, I still struggle when people get pregnant on accident, or are unable to provide for their children’s basic needs or get pregnant without a second thought. The scars of my journey still are there and when those feeling come over me again, I remember again to give them to God. (He turns their tears to laughter and gives children to the childless mother).
Many thanks to Paula for sharing her infertility story and for encouraging us. Please leave her a comment below to let her know you appreciate her.
** If you liked this interview, be sure to read all my other interviews, too! **
If you’re looking for more encouragement during infertility, be sure to check out my book, 31 Days of Prayer During Infertility.
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