Today’s post is a guest post by Oraly. You can read more about her infertility journey here.
One of the first recommendations I found when I started my infertility journey 4 years ago was to find a good therapist. My husband and I have always agreed on the value of therapy but it can be a stressful process to find the right person. I had worked with a therapist when I was in college but then I was just looking for someone who was close to my home and covered by my insurance.
The first therapist I visited post-TTC had similar criteria: someone close-by with convenient hours and covered by my insurance. I tried two sessions with her before I realized it wasn’t going to work. I kept getting frustrated when I had to explain the medical aspects of my condition to her, and when she spouted some of the insensitive comments that I got from others about giving it time, and learning to relax. I had to stop going and was scared to try again.
I thought about looking for a support group but I didn’t feel like it was worth the investment of my time getting to know others and developing a relationship with them because I believed I would get pregnant in no time and I wouldn’t need them anymore. I decided that in the meantime, I’d find spiritual strength through the church that I had just joined. I quickly realized that there wasn’t really a place for me and going to church services had become emotionally difficult for me. I felt invisible. The people in my age group were either parents of young children or single and I didn’t think they’d understand what I was going through. I was isolating myself and it wasn’t healthy.
Then I got really lucky! I starting going to a new fertility clinic that happened to be part of a research project looking for connections between mental health and fertility. I was offered a free session with a therapist and in return I allowed them to use my information in the study. I immediately connected with the therapist. She specialized in women undergoing fertility treatments, and she knew all about the medical treatments and the impact on our bodies and our mental health. She was gentle and honest, and I truly felt like she understood me. I still had bad days, but I felt like I could deal with them better and I bounced back quicker than before. I went every two weeks until I hit my insurance maximum and I was devastated when I did. After that I was going once every other month because it was all we could afford.
After our IVF cycle failed two years into treatment, I stopped going to therapy. I went into a dark, resentful place and I felt myself drawing inward again. I stopped going to church. I avoided any friends with children, or even friends who were married because I worried they might just spring “the news” on me at any minute. I started to only hang out with my single friends or the friends who vowed to never have children. I thought I was fine. I socialized a lot and kept busy, but deep inside I was just hiding from myself. I started to have difficulty concentrating and I would feel tired and achy often. I was a morning person until all of a sudden I wasn’t anymore and I had to drag myself out of bed. At work, I was distracted and would often just stare off into space or forget what I was working on. I thought it had to do with my blood sugar or some endocrine imbalance, so I brought it up to my doctors. They had me take a quiz and the results confirmed their suspicion: it was depression.
I needed to see a therapist again. This time I decided to look for a therapist that was covered under my insurance so that I would have no excuse not to go as often as I needed to. I also added to my criteria and searched for a psychiatric nurse that had experience with infertility. I did some research visiting their websites and emailing them questions about their methods until I found someone I liked. After the first session I felt like the fog had lifted from my head. I began to notice things in my life that seemed to contribute to my depressed state- like my job dissatisfaction and my isolation from the people that I loved.
I hadn’t realized how much my depression was agitating my husband as well. He was so worried about me and he didn’t know how to help. The therapist was a good fit; we clicked well and I am glad I found her. One of the most helpful suggestions was for me was to take on a project so I started knitting chemo caps for women in cancer centers. There is a satisfaction in focusing on doing something for others and completing the project. It made me feel competent and useful at something.
I was still feeling pretty isolated and lonely so I went online and searched for infertility groups near me even though I still felt reluctant to join. I was afraid that listening to others in a more difficult situation than us would make me lose hope, or that people who were steps behind us would get pregnant and it would make me feel awful. But I knew support groups can be a big help and I wanted to feel functional again, so my husband and I both agreed to give it shot.
At the first RESOLVE-led meeting, my husband and I felt so relieved to have a genuine conversation about the struggles of infertility. We heard others’ stories and feelings, shared our own, offered comfort and advice (when asked), and realized we were not alone- not just in the world, but in that room. It was comforting. We’ve started to socialize outside of meetings too. We’ll go on hikes, or go to trivia nights at the local pubs, or catch dinner somewhere to just check in. I’ve starting going back to church and I am even going to try to join a Sunday school class.
I’m excited about getting back to my life. I had forgotten to take care of myself because I was bogged down with worrying about whether or not my body was healthy enough to have a baby. My mental health is just as important as physical health. I just needed to remember that my life is important and worth taking care of.
Special thanks to Oraly for contributing this post today. If you’re interested in finding a support group, check out RESOLVE’s Support Groups and Online Support Communities pages.
Photo courtesy of BossFight.
If you’re looking for more encouragement during infertility, be sure to check out my book, 31 Days of Prayer During Infertility.
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