Today’s post is a guest post written by Ellie Barbee. Enjoy!
I have a few tattoos on my body, and I love them all. But there is one in particular that, years after I had it done, became a saving grace and daily reminder during my personal battle with infertility. When the monster that is infertility snuck up on me in the form of hypothalamic amenorrhea, the complete and utter absence of ovulation and menstrual cycles, my faith was shaken. Did I truly believe what the words of the verse displayed on my ankle said?
“For we walk by faith, not by sight.” –2 Corinthians 5:7
Now, the implications of this verse always seemed pretty simple to me. As followers of Christ, we are to trust His guidance, even when we cannot see or understand where He is taking us or what His plan may be. Picture yourself in the middle of a deep, dark cave, a blindfold over your eyes, arms outstretched, lost. You could:
A) Immediately panic, frantically pull the blindfold off, begin trying to feel your own way out of the cave, squinting in the dark, able to just barely see but terrified by the shadows and shapes you do now the blindfold is removed, stumble over sharp rocks and fall into pits along the way, injuring yourself, head down dark tunnels leading nowhere and end up ultimately more confused, disoriented and lost than you were to begin with. Or…
B) Leave the blindfold on, accept your inability to see, choose to reach out and grab hold of the outstretched hand of Christ, allowing Him to lead you fearlessly, smoothly and painlessly through the dark cave to the eventual exit, trusting Him entirely.
I think as Christians, most of us would without hesitation answer that B, the concept of walking by faith and not by our own sight, is the wisest course of action simply because we know that is what we are supposed to do. But does this acceptance of our own blindness come so easily when faced with a real-life situation in which we have zero control and absolutely no sight of what lies ahead, such as infertility? Do we really practice faith and trust in His plan for our lives, or do we tend to panic, worry, and shake our fists at the heavens?
It hit me hard recently one morning as I prayed, crying out bitterly to Him (Why are you doing this to me, God?) after an entire year with no menstrual period. I had not been trusting Him at all. You see, God knows how badly I want to be mother, but so does Satan. And when the evil one finds a weakness of ours, he grabs hold of it and exploits it anyway he can. He desires to weaken and destroy us, to pull us from God. Suddenly I realized that these bitter words I had been praying, these angry thoughts and feelings of resentment and frustration directed at God, all these fears and constant worries (Will my period ever return? Will I ever be fertile? Will I ever be a mother?) were coming not from Him, but from the evil one, and that I was being drawn farther away.
God directed my gaze in that moment and I stared down at my ankle, the black ink seeming brighter than usual against my skin. A moment of clarity came over me, and it was as if I was reading the words for the first time. Remembering what that verse meant and realizing how it applied to my situation, I began to pray a different prayer.
I simply asked God to restore the true, childlike trust I once had in Him years ago when I had 2 Corinthians 5:7 tattooed on my ankle. I asked Him to take my fears and allow me to rely on faith that He would lead me out of the dark, lonely cave that is infertility. I admitted that while I did not understand why I was going through it, I did understand that I was going through it for a reason. I had been frantically grasping at the walls of the cave of this trial, gripped by fear, trying desperately to plan out my future the way I thought it should look. That morning was the first time that I wholeheartedly acknowledged that He knows better than I.
Since that day, I try to choose B every day. My period (thus my fertility) has not yet returned. I don’t know when, or if, it will. I cannot see what lies ahead, and it is a struggle for me every day. I was not suddenly bereft of my fears, worries and anger regarding the situation overnight. I still share these emotions with God, but in doing so express that I desire His will be done in my life above all else. When I begin to feel overwhelmed and consumed by painful emotions as I once was, I now stop. I close my eyes and block out the image of fear and anger Satan tries to create. Instead I picture the blindfold and reaching out my hand. I pray for God to take it, to lead me through the day, to help me walk by faith, not by sight. And He always does.
Ellie Barbee is a writer, children’s book illustrator, runner and military wife. She has a Bachelors degree in Early Childhood Education and dreams of one day becoming a mom! After a 3-year-long struggle with an eating disorder and exercise addiction which led to a new, additional battle with infertility, she has found a passion in supporting women working through similar situations, and is particularly knowledgeable about hypothalamic amenorrhea and the female athlete triad.
First image courtesy of Pixabay.
If you’re looking for more encouragement during infertility, be sure to check out my book, 31 Days of Prayer During Infertility.
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