Diana’s Experience With Infertility

I’m a paralegal and writer. My husband, Ryan and I will be celebrating our 12 year anniversary this year. I am also the mom to 2 dogs, 2 tortoises and 7 snakes.

We have been trying to conceive for two and a half years and still don’t know what is going on with us. My husband was in the Army for four years then was a contractor for another 3 years. We held off on having a baby because we wanted to have adventures and I wanted to get a steady career under my belt. When I went off my birth control I expected it to happen right away but here we are…

According to one doctor, there was no way we could conceive on our own. Another doctor told us that there is no reason why we shouldn’t get pregnant on our own. At one point I had a doctor literally pat my head and tell me to just go to Hawaii.

I got pregnant for the first time last October. It was kind of a fluke really. I had been feeling ill for a week and was supposed to go to a bridal shower/wine tasting. I got it in my head that I might be pregnant. So I took a test and low and behold I was pregnant. I was so ecstatic, this horrible journey was over. But a week later, at 5 weeks precisely I miscarried. We kind of took a break from seriously trying until recently.

I am Buddhist and Buddhism teaches us about compassion. Compassion for others and for myself. Last July I listened to the Dalai Lama discuss compassion and what he said changed my life. He said that it is just as important to have compassion for ourselves. That if I can’t have compassion for myself I can’t have compassion for others. On those days when I feel like my body has betrayed me I stop and think about those words that the Dalai Lama said, I have to have compassion for myself.

Q. How have you taken care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually during your struggles?

Blowing stuff up in video games helps. But seriously, I have a wonderful network of friends and family that I can rely on. My two best friends are saints for constantly listening to my issues, cheering me on when I need it and being angry with me when the times call for it. My step mother went through this when she was trying to have my sister and I am able to turn to her a lot. Likewise, I have a very good friend from high school, she and I reconnected several years back and I frankly don’t remember how infertility became a discussion. She and I started talking about her endometriosis and have found a rekindling of our friendship. And of course my husband is my rock.

I regularly go to temple. Just being there, even for a few minutes makes me feel at peace. I walk away feeling so calm that I don’t talk for hours and everything just feels in line. After a particularly hard week it’s nice to spend some time meditating in the main shrine.

I have a tendency to pour my emotions into my writing. In addition to my blog I am working on a novel. When things get too emotional I pour it into the novel and leave it there. It’s like my emotional piggy bank but with a better return!

Over the last two years there have been many ups and downs for my husband and I. My husband coined the phrase “Same team!” and have found ourselves yelling that at each other. Specifically our lowest point stories:

Ryan had to go in for a sperm sample as all of our husbands do. Unfortunately, the healthcare program that we had (Kaiser) was not prepared to take care of men’s samples properly. Ryan had to give his sample in a semi-public restroom. It was the most god awful embarrassing thing he has ever had to live through. There wasn’t much I could do for him but remind him “same team” and give him compassion for what he has had to deal with.

For me, as much as I would like to say that it was my miscarriage, I can’t [because] my miscarriage means that I can get pregnant. As painful as it was, it’s a positive sign. My lowest point actually happened to be last Wednesday. I am a board member with the Orange County Paralegal Organization and one of my fellow board members happens to be pregnant. I somehow missed the memo that they were doing a baby shower for her after our board meeting. So of course I show up without a gift. To make matters worse, I was trapped in the board room as people were gushing over her baby. I couldn’t leave because it would make a scene and there was already a lot of attention on me for not eating the mini bundt cakes that they passed around (damn that whole no sugar thing!). In all my life I have never felt so trapped. Which led to panic. When I was finally able to escape I got stuck waiting for the elevator and some guy from another office in the building ranting about a horrible clock that he was getting rid of. I felt like I was stuck in a really bad sitcom. I cried my whole way home. When I got home I drank a healthy amount of sangria from a crazy straw while watching the Princess Bride (a movie that never ceases to cheer me up). Not my proudest moment…

We have a new fertility doctor who is quite promising. He is highly rated and has published studies. In our first appointment with him we received more answers than we have gotten in the last 2 years! We are developing a fertility plan that will include a vacation at the end of the summer. I am finally getting the treatment that I need.

“Do not dwell on the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” ~Buddha

Many thanks to Diana for sharing her story.  Please leave her a comment to let her know you appreciate her.  If you’d like to connect with her, you can find her on Twitter.