This post is a guest post from Ally. You can read all her other posts here.
I stood at the check-in desk in the warm summer sunshine, and watched with a big smile as she got out of the vehicle.
She is one of my favorite campers.
Vibrant, kind, laid-back, and just a fun-to-be-around person. Her family’s first summer at the Family Camp where I work was also my first summer, and somehow, that made us instant friends. The week when they come to the Bible Camp where I work is always my favorite week of the summer.
We greeted each other with a big hug, just like we’ve done for four summers, now.
We chatted about how big her children are getting, and about the drive, and what a beautiful day and not even too hot.
And then she said it.
“We thought you might be pregnant…”
I didn’t expect it, honestly. I kind of figure I’ll hear that question from distant relatives and old friends… although at this point, the blog has made our situation common knowledge for many of them.
I stuttered out something. I have no idea what I said. All I remember is telling myself not to cry.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Breathe. Don’t cry.
It’s been years that we’ve been on this journey, and I’m coming to terms with our misfortune (slowly). It doesn’t hurt as sharply as it used to, most of the time. But this one surprised me.
I know that she cares about me. That she was just expressing an interest in my family. And I know that she saw my reaction, even though I was trying to keep that smile pasted on my face. It wasn’t really the infertility that hurt this time– it was something else. She was affirming a whisper, a voice in the vulnerable parts of my soul. A voice that I’ve been rejecting as strongly as I can.
See. hidden beneath her question, I heard the unspoken comment she was making.
Children are the important thing.
It’s a common narrative, especially in Christian circles. And I think we’re mistaken.
Don’t get me wrong- I love children. I believe children are important. I have my teaching license, I work at a Bible Camp, I’m surrounded by my sibling’s wonderful kiddos and the little ones of our friends. Children are awesome. And they are important.
There’s an impression, though, that kids are the end-all-be-all of a Christian. I have to disagree.
Jesus called the little children to him, God calls them arrows in the quiver of His warriors, we’re to be a like them to be welcomed into the Kingdom of God. This is good and true.
But children aren’t the most important thing.
Maybe you’ve heard the quote, “Your greatest contribution to the Kingdom may not be something you do, but someone you raise.”
I have to call that saying what it is. It’s a nice sentiment, a clever turn of phrase. But it’s crap.
Your greatest contribution to the Kingdom of God is to become like Christ.
If that means that you have children and do your best to teach them to follow hard after God, that’s wonderful. If that means that you pursue missions in a foreign country, that’s wonderful. If it means that you love your neighbor quietly and without fanfare, awesome.
Hear this.
Your worth to God does not depend on your ability to have children.
Our identities aren’t wrapped up in our kids (in their behavior, in their faith, or in the fact that they don’t exist).
Our calling isn’t counted by the health of our ovaries.
Our ministry isn’t measured by what’s in our wombs.
We can, and do, make a difference before we have kids. Or even if we never have kids.
Children are a wonderful gift. A blessing. But let’s not get this mixed up. Children are not the purpose of our lives. Being like Him is.
Your identity- kids or no kids- married or unmarried- black or white or purple- is firmly rooted in Him.
Your calling and your worth comes from Him, alone.
If you’re looking for more encouragement during infertility, be sure to check out my book, 31 Days of Prayer During Infertility.
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