Note: This post mentions my successful pregnancy and talks about how infertility has affected me post-pregnancy. Please skip it if you’d rather not read about those topics.
I recently took my 9-month old daughter to a playgroup. It turns out that two other babies there are IVF babies, too. Of course, when you meet someone else who has been through IVF, you immediately start sharing your stories. One of the first questions is, “How many tries did it take you?”
Both of the other mothers got their BFP on their first round of IVF. It took me three.
I’m not proud of what the thoughts that came into my head.
“Oh, they only had to do one round of IVF? Must be nice.” [As if even one round is a piece of cake. PFFFFT!]
“Look at the size of the ring on her finger. They’re obviously very wealthy and could have easily afforded many more tries if they had needed it. Must be nice.”
“It worked out that they had all the kids they want, and don’t have to worry about what to do with leftover embryos. Must be nice.”
I’ve written before about how I struggled with pregnancy envy before I had my baby. But now, even after a successful pregnancy, here I am, envious of people whose IVF journey was “easier.”
I know there are so many of you who are still waiting for that BFP. You’re on your 4th, 5th, 6th+ rounds of IVF. Or you have yet to get one viable embryo and can’t even fathom what it must be like to be worried about having too many. As soon as I think of you all, my pity-party usually comes to a screeching halt.
I know I am one of the lucky ones.
I think this is just another example of how infertility really messes with your mind and spirit, even after it’s “resolved.” This is why it’s so important to remain grounded in God’s word and to focus on gratitude.
After all, if I’m only thankful for part of my story (my daughter), and not all of my story, what I’m really saying is that God’s story for me wasn’t good enough. Ann Voskamp says it more eloquently in her book, 1000 Gifts: “Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren’t satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other.”
And so maybe this is the goal when I’m feeling bitter about the way my story unfolded: to be thankful for the entire story, not just the ending.
“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”- Philippians 4:12-13
Want to dive deeper into cultivating a sense of gratefulness? I highly recommend the Cultivate Gratitude / Write the Word Journal from Lara Casey. It features specially-selected verses for you to write out and plenty of additional space for journaling, prayers, or whatever is on your heart.
If you’re looking for more encouragement during infertility, be sure to check out my book, 31 Days of Prayer During Infertility.
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