I can’t remember how I first came across Elizabeth and her blog a few years ago. But I do remember being struck by her honesty and authenticity when writing about her infertility story. I’ve been encouraged by her posts not just on infertility, but on her work as an ordained minister, her ministry, and the advocacy work she does. I hope you enjoy her interview!
Q. Tell us a little about yourself.
I am 36. An ordained minister. A wife. A member of the TTC community for 8 years. A blogger. A fan of diet soda (even though I know it’s bad for me). A great banana bread maker. A big advocate for 2-hour lunches with friends especially if Mexican food is involved. A Mom. And now an author of Birthed: Finding Grace Through Infertility published [last month] by Chalice Press.
Q. Tell us a little about your infertility journey.
My husband, Kevin, and I married in 2007. We were full of all the hopes that most younger couples are about starting a family. I knew Kevin would be an amazing dad. A couple months after we started “trying” one year into our marriage, I found myself pregnant. But, it was short lived, only 7 weeks. My doctor thought it was most likely ectopic, but told me not to fear. I was healthy. I was even under 30! I would surely get pregnant again soon. What followed were two more early-term pregnancies that resulted in miscarriage. Soon we were off to the fertility doctors for answers. Again, we were told I was healthy and my husband had only a minor sperm problem that could be fixed in the lab. So every time we tried something new, we did so we a large dose of hope. We were ready to be our doctor’s success story! But, the next six years became all about fertility treatments of all kinds. Natural cycle IVF (2x), stimulated IVF (3x), IUI with donor sperm when we thought sperm quality was really our issue (3x), IVF with my best friend’s donor eggs (1x). I never was able to carry a pregnancy and at this point, I don’t think I ever will.
Q. What has been your lowest point and how did you survive it?
When I started thinking of the “d” word in relation to our marriage, I knew were in trouble. There was so much pain. So much heaviness in our home. And so much we weren’t talking about that we needed to.
We survived these darkest days of our marriage and life by firmly planting ourselves in a community of friends and family that loved us and wouldn’t let us go. We had friends who organized a weekend away for us. We had friends who came and sat with us and cried on our couch after devastating news. We had family who understood why we couldn’t be happy for their pregnancy news (because it rubbed up against our disappointments). I even had one dear friend come over and sit in the dust with me in our backyard and pick up rocks when I couldn’t do anything else. We were saved by the love that hovered over us. It is how we found our way back to one another.
Q. As a pastor going through infertility, you’ve had a unique perspective. What would you say to other pastors and church leaders about being sensitive to infertility in their congregation?
Most of all, I want to tell church leaders that someone in your congregation is going through infertility right now (or knows someone well who is). Educate yourself on what this means to endure IVF or IUI. Carefully choose your language when you talk about special days such as Mother’ Day and Father’s Days and around Christmas in particular. Avoid elevating the biological family above all else. Some of us will be called to create families in non-traditional ways and we need to hear that this is still a part of God’s plan.
When I think about my goals for my book, Birthed: Finding Grace Through Infertility, it’s that this is a book that makes it to every pastor’s bookshelf. So many of us suffer silently and don’t feel like we can go to our pastoral leaders for comfort. But I believe Birthed can be a great resource for faith leaders.
Q. What made you decide to write a book, and what do you want readers to know about it?
I never felt comfortable joining support groups or sharing about my infertility widely online when I was in the thick of it. But, I still needed support. To cope, because I am a reader, I often ordered every book on infertility on Amazon I could find.
But none of the stories I read came in a voice that felt like mine.
I wanted to a story full of wrestling with God.
I wanted a story that told the truth about infertility doctors, bumping up against your pregnant friends and bursting into tears, and what the days were like when you found out your infertility treatment did not work.
I wanted a story where I felt like the author came on the other side of infertility not with bitterness but with joy what the TTC experience taught her—life lessons that could have not been learned any other way!
So I created what I most wanted in those dark years of infertility—a story of Good Friday, Holy Saturday and Resurrection Sunday. It’s a story for anyone wondering if new life is actually possible (because it is!)
Q. Anything else you’d like to share with my readers?
Full disclosure: I now have a 5-month old daughter via domestic adoption. She was a complete surprise. My book even went to press before I even knew about her! When people see me with her now many are tempted to say, “Oh, how awesome. You finally got what you wanted.” Yet, to me that comment is missing the point. Sure, I’m thrilled to be baby girl’s mother and to have her our home. But, the real birth is what my life has become. Infertility was a powerful teacher.
Many thanks to Elizabeth for sharing her story with us. Be sure to leave her a comment to let her know you appreciate her! And don’t forget to order her book!
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