This is a guest post from Ally. You can see all her other posts here.
Dealing with infertility during holidays can be… well, tricky.
There’s the struggle of dealing with our own sense of disappointment and loss, of course, but then there’s also all the extras that come along with the holidays.
Traditions and celebrations, many that center around children, can be particularly painful. Diet restrictions are also an issue– I’m avoiding carbs and sweets… and maintaining my self-control by saying “No thank you,” to Grandma’s famous cookies this year will be a challenge!
Then there are the Christmas parties and family gatherings.
Those, for me, are the very trickiest parts of this season, as far as infertility is concerned.
Between feelings of jealousy reignited by a cousin with a beautiful baby bump to questions about when you’ll have a little one on the way, family gatherings can really be rife with sticky emotional situations.
But it this Christmas doesn’t have to find you hiding in the coat closet choking back tears (I’ve been there), or being hurt and angry with relatives.
After all, Christmas parties and gatherings are about closeness and togetherness- you want to enjoy and treasure the time you spend with your extended family, not be hurt by it.
Here are some tips to get you started this season:
Prepare
You know that questions from relatives are going to come up. It’s inevitable.
Even if you’ve been very open with most of your family members, your great aunt Marsha who hasn’t seen you since you were 12 will not have heard about you struggling.
Take some time now to prep a response for the most common questions.
Here are some of mine, just to get you started.
“Do you have any children, yet?” — No, not yet. (And then I leave it at that. No need to explain.)
“When are you two going to have a little one?” — It’s all in God’s timing!
“Don’t you look cute holding (name of niece or nephew)!” — Oh, thank you- he/she is pretty cute! I’m so blessed to be his/her Auntie!
But more than just nailing down responses, start to prepare yourself emotionally. Build up a thick skin now and prepare for graceful answers instead of reacting badly. For me, simply expecting questions about our fertility and family planning make it easier for me to have a positive attitude and loving interactions, even when addressing issues that remind me of the cross I embrace.
Another thing to consider is if your husband will be around to help field some of the questions. Honestly, my husband does a much better job of answering family planning-type questions that I do with tact and loving honesty.
If you’re having a “down day” and know that you’ll be particularly sensitive, it’s good to relay that info to your man to help him understand your needs.
Remember the Intention
Sometimes when these kind of questions come up, it can feel like the other person is trying to hurt me… and then I get upset and a little angry.
In all honesty, though, most of the issue there is my own perception. My relatives are really asking with the best of intentions- they’re not trying to be insensitive or hurtful.
Your relatives care about you, and remembering that fact can really help avoid getting upset when those sore-spot questions come up. After all, they care enough about you to inquire about your reproductive organs– they must feel pretty close to you!
“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”- 1 Peter 4:8
Change the Subject
There are some things that I’m really not comfortable talking about with distant relatives- like our plans for treatment, why we’re not doing IVF, if we’re having enough sex (thanks, Uncle Jim…).
It’s okay to change the subject, or even to say, “You know, I’m not really comfortable talking about that.”
And, to avoid that awkward silence, be sure you’ve got a new topic at the ready -this is part of that preparation thing. Ask a question about the food, or about their job, or about how long it took them to get to the party in all that traffic. Talk about the weather, the venue, the decorations, the food.
Pray.
Uh huh.
This one seems rather obvious, but I often forget, in the moment, that I have Someone with me who always has my back. God knows the hurt in our hearts.
He knows how hard this waiting time is.
This is not new to Him- God not only knew that you’d be dealing with this particular issue, but He’s also seen so many women go through this same thing. He’s faithful – no matter our circumstances.
Advent is the season when we’re mindful again of His faithfulness to Israel, to the line of David, and to all of humanity through the birth of Jesus Christ. God fulfills His promises to us. He’ll fulfill His promises to you: to work all things, even infertility, for good.
I’ve found that with this particular struggle, it’s hard to truly anticipate every hurt that can come about. Something as simple as seeing a dad pushing his baby on the swings can remind me of my disappointment and make me keenly feel my loss. I can’t always expect it. But in those moments, talk to the One who knows.
A simple, “God, please help me through this,” may be all you can say. Or maybe your prayer will be, “Lord, help me to remember the blessings in my life in this season.”
I’ve often uttered this prayer, in the depths of my heart- “God! This hurts! Help me to remember that You’re using it for good!”
Whatever your prayer may be, He will provide all that you need. The holidays can be so hard for those of us with fertility struggles- but He’s there through it all, giving us the strength we need.
If you’re looking for more encouragement during infertility, be sure to check out my book, 31 Days of Prayer During Infertility.
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