I’ve written over 500 posts on this blog, but this one is definitely the one I’ve put the most thought into and it has been the most difficult to press “publish.”
As you may remember, we have been planning to do a frozen embryo transfer this coming January. We had the appointment on our calendar and were making plans around it.
However, a few days after I wrote my last post about crying in church when the children were blessed, (and the night before we moved to a new house), I discovered that I was pregnant naturally- without any treatment.
Needless to say, we were shocked. I almost passed out when I took the home test. The only reason I even took one was so I could stop thinking that maybe I was pregnant. Because after all, I’d never seen a positive home test so why would this one be any different if we weren’t even trying? My husband didn’t believe it and made me take four different tests.
I will save you the details, but two betas later that week confirmed the pregnancy and I am now currently almost 10 weeks.
Honestly, one of the first thoughts that came to mind was, “How will I tell those who are still waiting?” Because it doesn’t seem fair. So many times I was on the other side the screen reading words like I’m writing. Just wondering when it would be my turn. Rolling my eyes at people who “weren’t even trying.” And yet here I am.
We are overjoyed and thrilled, of course. Yet there is also an awkwardness. A feeling of survivor’s guilt, almost. I have talked to some other women who have found themselves in similar situations and they experienced similar feelings. (I’m not asking for sympathy, of course, but just trying to be honest about the mix of emotions that pregnancy after infertility brings).
I set private messages to many of you over the past few days, giving you a heads-up so this blog post wasn’t a complete surprise. If you feel like you should’ve received one of those private messages from me but didn’t, please accept my apologies. You weren’t left out intentionally.
As it was with my IVF pregnancy, this won’t change anything about my blog. This will not become a mom blog. I will not post bump pictures or ultrasound pictures. I may post brief updates occasionally, but I’ll always give a warning at the beginning of the post. This will remain a space whose main purpose is to encourage women who are waiting.
Much love and hugs to those of you who are still waiting. I understand if you need to move on from this blog, but I pray those of who stay will continue to find hope and encouragement.